At For Harriet, we continue to dedicate our efforts to connecting all generations of women in order to facilitate dialogue about the trials and triumphs of Black womanhood in the 21st century. We're embarking upon a new endeavor to strengthen and engage this community on the web.

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The primary purpose of the For Harriet Blog Network (FHBN) is to provide support for women looking to share their voices. Additionally, the For Harriet Blog Network will provide an opportunity for bloggers to broaden their audience and readers to discover new bloggers.

For Harriet will regularly feature blog links and content from members of the network on our main page.

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If you would like to join the For Harriet Blog Network, simply send an email with 1) Your Name 2) Preferred Email Address 3) Blog URL to blognetwork@forharriet.com.

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Alovelydai
Lola Gets...
Love Stutter
Naturally Me!
The Walk Back

Once again in the throws of media frenzy, Fantasia Barrino shocked her fans when news broke that she had overdosed on medication in an attempt to end her life. Walking the through line of personal distress and public resolve, the troubled singer is on the offensive. Facing the media, her fans and foes alike, many of whom believe this is all an act, a perverse marketing ploy to sell her recently released new album, Back to Me, Fantasia seems as resilient as ever.

Fantasia is a soul-singing powerhouse whose raw emotion and gospel-rooted vocal acrobatics propelled her to an unlikely victory in the third season of the most popular talent show in U.S. history, America Idol.

Fantasia was like nothing Middle America had seen before (or more accurately was willing to accept). Although she wowed the voting public week after week with near-flawless performances, Fantasia faced much opposition because as a Black, 19-year-old high school drop-out and single mother, many felt she was not a worthy candidate to tout the Idol brand, despite her undeniable talent.

That was six years ago in 2004. But that is not where her story begins. Since the first moment Fantasia stepped in front of the cameras and onto the world stage, she has lived her life openly, never shying away from what were often her harshest realities. Fantasia has spoken candidly about being a rape victim at age 14, and the public looked on as the 20-something survivor admitted her functional illiteracy, and then proceeded to study with tutors to not only improve her reading, but receive her high school diploma.

Fantasia is no stranger to the peaks and valleys of stardom and the dark shadows that lurk when your support system has cracks in the foundation. Teaming up with cable network VH1 for a reality show, ‘Fantasia for Real’, Barrino made audiences privy to her home life, one where nearly all the adults in her immediate (and often extended) family are financially dependent on her, leading to passionate blow-ups and emotional drain at every turn. In 2006 Fantasia’s own father, Joseph Barrino, filed a $10 million dollar lawsuit against Simon & Schuster, the publisher of her memoir, Fantasia: Life Is Not a Fairytale, claiming he was represented inaccurately in her story. More recently comes Mr. Barrino’s most harrowing proclamation, when he stated that while he is sorry it happened, teenage Fantasia “sent a message” to her rapist, possibly inviting the attack all those years ago, by dressing provocatively. In past episodes of the VH1 reality show, father and daughter are seen clashing in angry, teary-eyed exchanges, mostly about Joseph Barrino’s dissatisfaction with his level of involvement in her career, a career that has taken, many hits.

Handpicked by Oprah to take over the role of Celie in the smash Broadway version of ‘The Color Purple’, Fantasia struggled with the intensity of the schedule, missing several shows. Later Barrino had surgery to remove two tumors from her vocal cords. In the midst of her career’s whirlwind, Fantasia underwent three management changes, often functioning without any representation at all. Unschooled about the business, Fantasia blamed negligent accountants and lawyers for allowing her taxes (and other bills) to go unpaid resulting in a foreclosure on one of her North Carolina homes (which has since been rectified).

Fantasia has gone on record detailing her battles with depression and the emotional eating habits that cause her weight to fluctuate. She has never masked her high-strung and supersensitive nature or her deep loyalty to her family and fans. Nor has she masked her naiveté, celebrating her “simple country girl” sensibility and her often too-trusting personality. "My problem coming into this game was that I was very naive and very gullible," she told the LA Times. "I can't continue to smile and believe that people are going to be the way that I am. And I'm not saying they're bad people. But you always have to be hands-on with your own stuff, and, unfortunately, I didn't know that and I didn't do that."

Two weeks ago, Fantasia’s world was rocked yet again when she was named in divorce proceedings filed by the estranged wife of Antwaun Cook, a man whom she dated on and off earlier this year. Mrs. Cook accused Fantasia specifically of “home-wrecking” and harassment, claiming the singer taunted her by cruelly parading publicly with her husband. Fantasia was devastated, and maintains that she believed Mr. Cook to be permanently and legally separated from his wife (Mr. Cook also came forward with a statement). Prior to this, whispers about Fantasia’s new relationship had been brewing in the gossip blogosphere for months, with murky details surfacing sporadically. After the filing, the salacious story exploded in North Carolina, quickly garnering much national attention.

Almost immediately following came word of Fantasia’s drug overdose and suicide attempt. The young mother says she became very tired and just “wanted out”. The public drew lines in the sand at once. Some were worried about the chanteuse, pointing to her many troubles over the years and saddened that Fantasia seemed to finally reach her breaking point. Others were cynics, painting the overdose as a ploy for sympathy in the face of Mrs. Cook’s allegations and a publicity stunt to garner record sales.

Now Fantasia finds herself in a precarious situation, Could she be so callously “using” her downward spiral to promote her newly released album, Back to Me? The ruthlessness and savvy required to conjure such a fete is simply contrary to all we have seen from Fantasia to date.

But how can she bounce back so quickly? Many have asked this question. My response is to look into your own lives. How often have you marveled at your own ability to endure when you were screaming, crying and shutting down inside? Fantasia gives credit to the nurses at the hospital who treated her following the attempt, saying they encouraged to get back on her feet and share her gift with the world. Many experts say that one of the best things a person can do after an attempt on their own lives is to get back into a routine, focusing on things that are productive and make them happy. Is that not what Fantasia is doing by returning to work? She is also making herself available to tell her own truth, not leaving the media to go berserk with rampant speculation.

Angela Ford Johnson is a Philly-based writer and consultant, affectionately known as Angie Writes. Follow her on Twitter (www.twitter.com/angiewrites) and Tumblr (http://soulfuloutbursts.tumblr.com/)

A black comedian riffs on the subject of parenthood on BET's late-night laughfest, ComicView:

"You wanna know the difference between black parents and white parents?" he begins. "In public, white kids...embarrass they parents. Black parents..."

The 99% black audience chuckles with anticipation.

"... embarrass they kids."

While the audience erupts with knowing laughter, the comedian demonstrates the stereotypical white child screaming, "Mother, I hate you!" at the permissive white mother; versus the loud, no-nonsense way the stereotypical black mother corrals her kids with threats ("Girl, I'll knock you into next week") and a ready backhand (or shoe).

The comedian offered this as a universal truth: Black parents don't play. Black parents don't believe in "time out." Black parents spank their kids.

Except some of us don't.

That's it. That's my dirty little secret. I'm a black mother who doesn't spank her kids.

But don't you understand? For as long as black folks have been in this country, we have had to keep our kids in line, by any means necessary. For us, it was a matter of life and death.

"Was" being the operative word here. Gone are the days when whining and complaining or disobedience could get a child's entire escaping family captured, sent back to the plantation, whipped, hobbled, or killed. Gone are the days when whistling at a white woman (or even being falsely accused of it) would get a 14-year-old black boy lynched and his unrepentant murderers found not guilty, and then bragging about the crime in a national magazine. (See Till, Emmett.)

Now you'll never hear me say that black folks have completely overcome. Racism and discrimination may no longer wear white sheets, or wield fire hoses and dogs, but they are still alive and kicking. But in 2006, I'll be damned if "know your place," and "don't piss off white folks" are among the life lessons I instill in my daughters, much less spank them to drive the message home.

That said, the reality is that black children are often scrutinized more closely than white children. A black kindergarten boy is labeled "unruly, threatening" by his teacher. Meanwhile, his white counterpart is "spirited, rambunctious." Baggy jeans, hoodies, and "bling-bling" are "gangsta" attire when wore by black kids; when white kids wear them, it's stylish rebellion. Black adults are also held to higher standards. Many feel compelled to work twice as hard as their white counterparts just to make the same progress professionally. And then there are those "helpful" sales clerks trailing behind us in stores because we might try and steal something. Guilty until proven innocent.

So, as the conventional wisdom goes, we -- and our children -- must be on our best behavior. But even accepting this reality, I don't believe that spanking is necessary or necessarily effective.

These kids nowadays? They call 9-1-1 or Child Protective Services on a parent who tries to spank them. That's why so many of them end up in jail, on drugs, or can't keep a job.

I seriously doubt black kids are making such calls en masse. To blame criminal behavior and unemployment on parents not spanking is illogical as well as inaccurate. It also gives a free pass to the systemic injustices and neglect that contribute to what ails us a community.

"But aren't you afraid she'll end up in prison?"
Contrary to the ComicView comedian's riff, "to spank or not to spank" does not fall neatly along color lines . The above is a direct quote from a friend, Sue (not her real name), who is white. Sue's oldest child is the same age as Taylor. We bonded as first-time moms, and became friends in spite of our different parenting styles, including my decision not to spank Taylor. Sue asked what I thought about "Spare the rod, spoil the child," which many consider a biblical mandate to spank. I shared Christian attachment parenting guru Dr. William Sears' observation that the "rod" is akin to a shepherd's staff, which is used to prod and guide sheep for their protection, not to hit them. But Sue remained skeptical.

When Taylor and Sue's child were both eighteen months old, Sue said to me, "They're into everything at this age! Surely you've spanked her by now." I hadn't, and said so.

"But aren't you afraid she'll end up in prison?"

"No..."

"Well, if she doesn't learn to obey you, then she won't learn to obey laws..."

"And end up in prison? You know, I bet that a lot of people sitting in prison right now were spanked as kids. I'm not saying that they are in prison because they were spanked, but clearly spanking is not an effective crime deterrent. If Taylor ended up in prison, I would wonder where I went wrong as a parent, but I wouldn't question my decision not to spank."

I pointed out to Sue that she wrongly equated lack of spanking in our family with lack of discipline. I don't spank, but I'm not a permissive parent either. In our family, there are age-appropriate boundaries, rules, consequences, and most importantly, consistency. And yet, I don't subscribe to any formula for parenting success. No one is guaranteed law-abiding offspring, whether you spank or not.

In settings where my children are the only ones present who have never been spanked, they have behaved as well if not better than the other children. They also have their Moments, as all kids do, spanked or not. So if I'm going to get the same results spanking as not, why spank? Other than self-defense or to protect others, hitting another person just doesn't feel right to me.

As long as you don't spank out of anger, it's fine.

Well, then maybe I am a spanker after all. I'm just not a practicing spanker because the only time I ever get the urge to spank my kids is when I'm angry.

But weren't you spanked as a child? And didn't you turn out just fine?

Fine? I turned out fabulous! But so have plenty of people who were never spanked.

Some friends and I get downright nostalgic at times, laughing about "whuppings" past, about that bygone era when grandmothers sent you out to the backyard to get your own switch (a tiny, thin branch stripped of its leaves) for her to keep handy for when you misbehaved.

I don't fault my mother or grandmother for spanking me, and I don't challenge parents I know for choosing spanking as a form of discipline. When questioned, I explain that it's simply not an option with my kids. I have been criticized by some friends and family members for this decision, accused of negligent parenting or the dreaded "acting like white folks." Black people I don't even know look at me like I'm Sistah from Another Planet when I utter a firm "no" to my hysterical two-year-old and discipline her in public without spanking.

Have my kids ever embarrassed me in public? On occasion, but fortunately, the goal of my parenting is not to save face. It is to raise two confident, compassionate, productive, socially-conscious -- and yes, law-abiding -- young women. So maybe my parenting style is not the stuff comedian's punch-lines are made of, but it works for me and mine.

-Deesha Philyaw, @DesshaPhilyaw
ORIGINALLY POSTED AT LITERARY MAMA

First, A Question:
I have a question for everyone who embraces Afro-centrism- an honest question. How many of y’all would learn Wolof or Igbo? (FYI I learned some Xhosa for my Senior Thesis) To my dear Afro-centrists: How many of you are willing to go beyond talking and start doing? Make Africa great. Do it. Africa is not some abstract concept to be mythologized and theorized. It is a continent w/ 53 countries, 2000+ languages (countless dialects and creoles), great histories.

Afrocentrism is ethnocentrism.

Afrocentrism is ethnocentrism. In principle, it does not differ from eurocentrism. Chauvinism predicated on the notion of particularity. It seals off the variegated cultures of the African diaspora and fails to understand the connectedness and hybridity of humanity. If you expect everyone to know the names of every Black scholar and warrior who ever lived, why don’t you make the effort to know the names of Asian/Hispanic/Middle Eastern/Pacific Islander/Indigenous American warriors and thinkers? Yes, there are Africans on every continent except Antarctica- and at one time, where was one there. I strongly reject ethnocentrism, as it lends itself to myopic thinking and belly-button gazing. (Yeah, I said it) To be frank, most of the “afrocentric” folk I have met were African-Americans completely divorced from Africa as it is. Some think that a dashiki is a West African fashion (not) and think that Egyptians had afros (afros are South African in origin)

Afrocentrism: “a mythology that is racist, reactionary, essentially therapeutic and is eurocentrism in black face.”

That’s a quote from UC Davis African-American studies professor Clarence E. Walker. I’m inclined to agree w/ it except for the “racist” part. I tend to accept the definition of racism as power + prejudice. Persons of color on the receiving end of oppression are capable of internalizing racism and projecting those biases or prejudices on other members of their group. I would edit that to say that afrocentrism is prejudiced.

I encourage a global, internationalist way of looking at world history.
The world does not revolve around Africa, Europe, Asia or N. America. How can you claim to have a full-bodied knowledge if you can’t even name a single Asian/Hispanic/Middle Eastern scholar? Yes, Africa has a rich history of empires and trade that precedes European and Arabic conquest, enslavement and colonialism. Yes, Africa is the next frontier of neoliberalism and globalization; As African nations’ national interests are privatized and restructured we will see greater Asian, Eurasian and South American investment on thte continent of Africa. In fact, India just signed a deal with the Democratic Republic of the Congo (DRC) to extend a $42 million credit line for building a hydroelectric plant. China and Rio Tinto just closed a mining deal in Guinea (West Africa) last week. Last week’s Forum for Africa’s Young Leaders at the White House is further evidence of the increasing importance of Africa. No, Africa is not the land of myth that some people talk about. Africa as a site of diasporic Blacks’ imaginings has never sat well w/ me. Many Afro-centric thinkers borrowed Western forms- patriarchy, chauvinism, Western notions of nationalism and imposed them on Africa.

How can borrowed forms be emancipatory?
I ask this honestly. At some point, the chauvinism and ethnocentrism translates into a belief that being Black is superior to being anything else. Really? My thinking is that we are all humans. No one is better or worse. Why foster division in the guise of “empowerment?” If your “empowerment” is predicated on the denigration of “others” it is not empowerment at all. Consider that afrocentrism can be “eurocentrism in blackface.” Just think on it. If you’re offended, there’s some truth to it. Audre Lorde said: “The Master’s Tools Can Never Dismantle the Master’s House.”

Afrocentrism just borrows the massa’s tools and builds the same house, instead of painting it white, it paints it black.

By no means am I a self-hating Black woman when I say these things. I am a student of history who recognizes the vastness of humanity. I don’t need my beauty to be affirmed particularly. Everytime I look in the mirror, my beauty is affirmed. I don’t need my “blackness” to be affirmed by those who share my skin color. Blackness is a constructed identity contingent on experience. Race is also a construct. These “afrocentrists” who embrace the contrived construct of “race” and emphasize difference change nothing.

I will ask again: “Can borrowed forms of thought be emancipatory?” My answer is NO.
So when some afrocentrists swap out the “euro” for the “afro” they change nothing. There is no innovation or creativity. I explore the question of whether borrowed forms of thought can be emancipatory in a post entitled The Problematic and Thematic of Nationalism in the Post-Colonial Context: Possibilities, Limitations and Emancipation.

Furthermore, nationality is understood as an imported European idea. Elie Kedourie points to the great dilemma of Eastern (non-European) nationalism, the paradox of appropriating alien ideas to facilitate a rejection of that same “alien intruder and dominator.” Kedourie termed it as confining oneself within the paradigms of “European intellectual fashions,” while simultaneous attempting to move beyond the dominant discourse of colonialism, which is, in this case, a European one. The appropriation of nationalism is to “accept the claim to universality of this ‘modern’ framework of knowledge. It thus simultaneously rejects and accepts the dominance, both epistemic and moral, of an alien culture.” It is important to acknowledge that both the discourse of colonialism and post-colonialism occupied the same epistemic space. The existence of one did not preclude the existence of the other- they were not mutually exclusive. However, this space they share is the same space where discursive elements attempt to maintain or change the “relations of power within the society under colonial domination.”

See also: The Dilemma of Nationalism: Another Excerpt from My Thesis

What’s Your Point, Arri?

You may ask “What sparked this?” These ideas and thoughts germinated over the last four years. As a Black student at the University of California, Berkeley, where Black students were 1.3% of the student population, I had a modicum of interest in joining Black student organizations like the Divine 9 fraternities and sororities, the Black Recruitment and Retention Center and the National Congress of Negro Women, but none of these organizations offered the diversity and opportunity I was looking for. Having grown up in a multi-kulti area, being socialized in social circles where 5-6 languages were spoken, I am not familiar w/ the monolingual, monocultural understandings of Blackness that I encounter from American-born Blacks. In fact, when I chose to study French and German, I was ridiculed by my black peers- who gave nary a thought to Afro-Germans or North Africans, or even African-descended French and Belgian citizens. If you’re going to make the point that French and German are the languages of the “oppressor” and the “colonizer” you have to understand that the language you are speaking now- English- is also the language of the oppressor. Who do you think colonized Nigeria? Yes, the British.

The final straw was yesterday when I was accosted by someone on Twitter who identifies strongly as an afrocentrist. She accused me of hating Black men because of my past choices to date interracially. Certainly my rejection of the singular and essentialist concept of “Black Love” does not mean that I hate “Black Love.” Also, my choice to join a majority-White sorority was used to question my “blackness.” Then she went on to accuse me of loving the colonialist powers because of my affinity for Indo-European and Romantic languages. Of course, she didn’t put it that elegantly. Resorting to ad hominem, she called me a “simpleton” ”coconut” and a “Sister SoldjaOut.” Lumping me w/ Bryant Gumbel and Carlton (from Fresh Prince of Bel-Air) she accused me of “trying to make other Black people assimilate.”

Now, if you’ve read this blog at all, I do not advocate assimilation. I advocate acculturation, mastery of languages, ability to code-switch depending on social situations and settings. Assimilation isn’t as simple as adjusting your language to your settings. Assimilation is adherence to essentialist ideas of what is “acceptable.” Paradoxically, this is exactly what Ms. Afrocentric does. She polices my “blackness” and expects me to relate to her because we share a skin color. I’m afraid it doesn’t work that way. Identity is much more complex than one’s racialised phenotype or ascribed race.

ORIGINALLY POSTED HERE

Angela Ford Johnson is a Philly-based writer and consultant, affectionately known as Angie Writes. Follow her on Twitter (www.twitter.com/angiewrites) and Tumblr (http://soulfuloutbursts.tumblr.com/)

I’ve been ruminating over my own experiences as a pretty woman for some time now. On the one hand it has definitely benefited me in some ways. I understand that it can benefit me in larger ways that I don’t necessarily notice or know about because of the reaction our society has to attractive people. Here’s the thing, some days the positives probably do outweigh the negatives, but at 2 in the afternoon when I’m having to threaten to cut some guy on a bus to get him away from me and random bystanders are ready to victim blame because I had the nerve to wear shorts on a hot summer day it doesn’t feel like it.

I know street harassment (hell misogyny in general) knows no bounds and that women of all races and sizes deal with some version of it. I’m not trying to downplay anyone else’s experiences. I’m just focused on what I’ve noticed since I gained enough weight to move from a B cup to a D cup. I’m pretty in that way people are when they have symmetrical features, the genes for straight white teeth, and a socially accepted body type. Please note, I am not saying this is the only way to be attractive, it is simply the way in which I am attractive.

My decision to go natural, and put my hair into comb coils means that I now have longish hair with a minimum amount of effort. In the past when I was the aforementioned B cup and had a habit of wearing my hair short I’d run into harassment probably once or twice a week. Now? It’s pretty much daily. Some of it is definitely because I present as very feminine now (I have a grown up job that requires business casual attire and in the summer that means a lot of skirts because I hate long pants when the sun is trying to broil me alive) and that seems to make some men feel as though I’m dressing to attract their attention. Some of my harassers have gone so far as to claim that everything I do is to attract their attention. The other day I actually had a guy insist that I wouldn’t have sat in the same row as he did on the bus if I wasn’t interested. Apparently the concept of public transport eluded him. Then again so did the idea that he wasn’t entitled to my being receptive to his overtures so we went the standard misogynistic insult route when I didn’t play my part of his internal script.

READ MORE AT ANGRY BLACK WOMAN...

Since it's launch in 2006, Twitter has revolutionized the ways we establish and maintain relationships on and offline. These women make the Twitterverse brighter. They inspire laughter, dialogue and reflection.

Women were included based on 1) the value they add to Twitter via knowledge, insight, and/or humor 2) their willingness to engage with followers.

Please note: This is not ranking of power or influence. This list is unranked because this is not a competition. The list will be divided into three parts, so subscribe to our RSS feed to get the rest of the list delivered directly to your inbox.


@sistertoldja
Why We Love Her Timelime: 
Her pitch-perfect writing has made the 20-something Chicago-native one the Black blogosphere's rising stars. You can always count on @sistertoldja to give a completely candid take on every topic du jour from dating to police brutality and everything in between.

@drgoddess
Why We Love Her Timeline:
A self-described "Scholar, Writer, Poet, Playwright, Performing Artist, Filmmaker, Creative Organizer, Activist," no one so effortlessly delivers twectures (twitter lectures) with similar brilliance or breadth of knowledge as @drgoddess. She provides for free what many of us spend thousands of dollars to get.

@Afrobella
Why We Love Her Timeline:
You'd never know that the woman behind @afrobella is one of the web's biggest beauty bloggers. Her 4 year old blog of the same name is credited with creating the natural hair blogger movement, and despite her incredible success, @afrobella still remains remarkably humble.

@Aisha1908
Why We Love Her Timeline:
@MsTerryMcMillan
Why We Love Her Timeline:
An incredibly successful author with a career that most authors could only dream of, Ms. McMillan gives the twitterverse a glimpse into her private thoughts.

 @gabifresh
@Ch3ryl
Why We Love Her Timeline:
@ch3ryl lives the life of a social media pioneer. Innovation is inspirational. She's combined her technical knowledge with a passion for social justice to create new opportunities for organizing the grassroots.

@Danamo
Why We Love Her Timeline:
@Danamo aggregates compelling links from around the web and adds her a touch of her signature commentary. Her interests are endearingly eclectic, and for a woman who's done and seen it all, she's wonderfully gracious.

@luvvieig

Take a look at Part 2 for even more inspiring sistas.

Despite a highly-publicized suicide attempt less than two weeks ago, Fantasia Barrino has decided to go back to work. Fantasia appeared on Good Morning America to discuss her personal struggles as well as her new album Back To Me.



Is it too soon for Fantasia to get back to work?

There's been a lot of discussion lately around the difficulties that successful, single Black (straight) women face in finding suitable mates. Comedians and TV stars (relationship experts?) have written books and hosted panels addressing this "issue" and countless articles have been written. According to all of these so-called experts, successful Black women are in dire straits when it comes to finding a man, entering a relationship, and of course the pinnacle of life as we know it (sarcasm injected here,) getting married.

In every discussion that I've heard, the focus is on what successful Black women need to do (read: change) in order to attract and keep a man. We've been advised to be open to dating outside of our race and socioeconomic sphere, becoming more approachable and less independent - the list goes on. I take offense to the assertion that Black women are somehow to blame for the current state of affairs (pun intended) and must be charged with fixing the problem. What has also struck me; however, about these discussions is the singular focus on the relationship challenges of "successful Black women." It's never been made clear to me exactly what criteria is being used to define "success;" yet, I imagine it to be based on external factors such as career and salary. Presumably my high-performing sisters can't find men who aren't intimidated by them because of their education/career/income/home ownership and a litany of other "successful" problems. So, is the assumption that the single Black female high level executive or entrepreneur, making a high five - six figure salary, and, of course, with at least one degree, is having a hard time in the relationship arena but your average Black woman isn't? When I hear this, I immediately think, "so what about the rest of us?"

For example, I can't imagine any man being intimidated by me - I'm just your average single mother, working a day job, trying to do my own thing on the side and going to school. I don't have a fancy title and my paycheck doesn't come with a lot of zeros. Some would call me a homeowner, but in reality, as long as I have to make these mortgage payments, Bank of America owns my home. Yet, wonder of all wonders, I'm single as well. In fact, I'm SNP - single with no prospects. So if the consensus is that successful Black women are finding it difficult to date because of all they bring to the table, conversely, average Black women should be OK, right? Men should be flocking to us because they can feel comfortable in knowing that we're pretty much on the same level. Yet, that doesn't seem to be the case for me or any of my friends. The media would have us believe that something must be EXTRA wrong with us. I reject that idea as insulting and outright ridiculous.

Let's face it, the dating/relationship scene is difficult for Black women across the board, regardless of status. We don't tend to be the group that any group of men prefers, Black or otherwise. So what are we to do? Well, we just have to keep on keepin' on. Let's not feel that we have to somehow alter or lessen ourselves in order to "get a man." Let's continue to live boldly and strive to be the best that we can be mentally, physically, spiritually and emotionally. Only then will the right person enter our lives. I recently read a quote that said, " Don't chase. Be." I couldn't have said it better myself. I encourage all of my sisters to live by these words.

...ms. rasberry...

Via The Grio:

JOHANNESBURG (AP) -- Rwandan and Congolese rebels gang-raped nearly 200 women and some baby boys over four days within miles of a U.N. peacekeepers' base in an eastern Congo mining district, an American aid worker and a Congolese doctor said Monday.

Will F. Cragin of the International Medical Corps said aid and U.N. workers knew rebels had occupied Luvungi town and surrounding villages in eastern Congo the day after the attack began on July 30.

More than three weeks later, the U.N. mission has issued no statement about the atrocities and said Monday it still is investigating.
Cragin told The Associated Press by telephone that his organization was only able to get into the town, which he said is about 10 miles (16 kilometers) from a U.N. military camp, after rebels ended their brutal spree of raping and looting and withdrew of their own accord on Aug. 4.

Civil society leader Charles Masudi Kisa said there were only about 25 peacekeepers and that they did what they could against some 200 to 400 rebels who occupied the town of about 2,200 people and five nearby villages.

Continue reading this story at The Grio.

Fantasia reveals her story behind her reported suicide attempt as well as her rise to fame in a new episode of VH1's Behind The Music. Behind The Music: Fantasia premieres on VH1 Tuesday, August 24th at 9pm ET.

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I was talking to a friend today. This friend is having a very hard time. To say that this friend has hit a rough patch is to say that Hurricane Katrina was a drizzle. Everything around them seems to be falling apart, on it's last leg. Quite honestly, speaking to them is often overwhelming. I would never abandon a friend in need, so I listen, but the mere thought of interacting with them leaves me needing to decompress. As my friend spoke to me about one personal calamity after the other, I began to drift off to the chancy and hazardous areas of my own life (and there are several), and the ways in which my own bad decision-making was to blame.

They say hindsight is 20/20 but I like to say hindsight is super x-ray vision. If you are willing, you can not only see clearly the mistakes you've made, but see through yourself, straight to the heart of the reasons why. If I had to do it all again... Would I? Some of it. Absolutely. Just differently. There are people I allowed in or went far distances with that I would have kept outside the door to my heart or would have only walked a short distance with. There are times I would have reeled myself back in when I pushed over the edge instead of just dancing at the breaking point. There are words I would have said and many I would have not. There are events I would never have planned and many I would have attended.


And with all the change of my past I could dream up, I pass. I would adjust some, but I wouldn't erase it all. I wouldn't completely change. I would love more, starting with myself. And though I may cringe when I replay my lifetime movie in my mind, I see the value. The memories are what make me how I am. Or at least they affect the way I do things. They are what has prepped me for what is to come. Mistakes prepare you, especially when they sting bad enough. Our consequences are blessings. When you feel the pinch of a bad situation you created, more than likely you won't make those same mistakes again. Issues, if you are willing to confront them, can make your senses laser-sharp for the next go 'round. And as long as you are living there will be a next go 'round.


I say embrace your pain (and listen to your friends when they need you to). Pain is a wonderful teacher. Learn from it and release it. You can run away from problems as much as you want but you will probably end up catching yourself.


Catching yourself lying to yourself (or others).
Catching yourself overcompensating.
Catching yourself overindulging.
Catching yourself addicted.
Catching yourself in denial.
Catching yourself being self-destructive.
Catching yourself slipping.
Hopefully you catch yourself before you fall...


Encircle your mistakes. Examine them and confront them. You are the common denominator in every aspect of your life. And you are the only somebody in it that you can change. The truth is nothing makes us WHO we are. We were that before we were born. But it would behoove you to understand HOW you are. Mistakes are your blueprint and motivator.

Angela Ford Johnson is a Philly-based writer and consultant, affectionately known as Angie Writes. Follow her on Twitter (www.twitter.com/angiewrites) and Tumblr (http://soulfuloutbursts.tumblr.com/)

Self-esteem is defined as a confidence and satisfaction in oneself. A person’s overall evaluation or appraisal of his or her own worth. If you were a stock on wall street, it’d literally be how much you think you should sell for.

If you listen to the national conversation about weight, one would presume that being overweight is a sin. It’s unsightly. It’s “offensive to the nation’s visual sensibilities.” The media regularly perpetuates this notion that if you don’t look anything like “X”, then there is something wrong with you. Never mind the fact that you may not look like “X” because you are simply a beautiful shade of “different.” All that matters is that you do not resemble “X,” and that this is a serious matter.

And we – innocent, unknowing, gullible, naive little us – we simply buy into it. Perhaps its too easy to go with the flow for many of us. Perhaps it takes too much time to challenge these ideas that tell us that we are “less than” because we don’t fit with an American cultural ideal. Perhaps this notion of being “less than” already fits in with perceptions we had of ourselves long before we recognized that the media agrees with us. The bottom line is.. “we” are told that we suck… and “we” agree.

As a woman who came of age around women who didn’t look much like me, I see how this affects everyone. I already wrote about how the young girls who didn’t need diet-anything were sucking down diet sodas for lunch. (Perhaps the corn syrup in the drink counted as a serving of vegetables? Just playing… maybe?) I remember my non-Black girlfriends getting relaxers to tame their curls so that it’d be easier to straighten their hair. I also remember those who refused to participate in the “race to be what they want us to be” being ostracized and mocked and shunned for their choice.

As a woman of color, I see how this affects women like me. We don’t see leading ladies with curly hair. Hell, we don’t even see leading ladies with their own hair anymore. (And please don’t take this as an insult toward individual choice.. it’s a direct critique of the images we see in the media.. not the people we see every day.) Black radio shows are full of advertisements selling weight loss pills, smoothies, shakes, and [insert random quick fix here]. We, as women of color, are often told everything is wrong with us.

It’s rare that you hear a conversation about why, though. Why are we told by the media that something is wrong with us? Why are we always told that we need to lose “that last five pounds?” Why is it so unappealing for people with heritage that doesn’t look like the mainstream image of “ideal” to be different?


Diet, diet, diet.... womp.

If self esteem is the perceived level of satisfaction in oneself, and you have imagery around you every day telling you exactly how “less than” you truly are… how hard is it going to be to develop a healthy sense of self? A healthy understanding of your worth?

READ MORE AT A BLACK GIRL'S GUIDE TO WEIGHT LOSS...

I recently saw and loved The Perfect Picture, a Sparrow Productions movie from Ghana. It was directed by Shirley Frimpong Manso and starred Jackie Appiah, Lydia Forson, Chris Attoh, among others. Technically, I was impressed by the picture quality, it was well edited and the colors were sharp and made everyone look more attractive. The audio also was clean and not overshadowed by background music. The soundtrack was a mixture of both Ghanaian and foreign music, each well suited to the scene except for a brief clip of the James Bond theme which I felt was unnecessary. I was completely blown away by the two dance sequences especially the one at the end of the movie, it were simply great.

On the story angle, I was not too disappointed. There were a few holes but I liked how they wove together the three strands of the plot concerning the major characters and their love interests together. The story is about three friends in urban Ghana living everyday middle-class lives. The film opens with a wedding footage of one of the girls, who is getting married to her long term boyfriend. She is surrounded by friends and family including her two best friends. Along the line, we get to see their lives. There is the earthly sexy one who all the men are attracted to, and the workaholic who is being pressured by her mother to get married and have children. The man-eater ends up falling for an unavailable man, while the more reserved one falls for an unsuitable man.

The three girls navigate their love lives with the flair and panache one would imagine for their ages – they seem in their thirties. OK, so maybe the dialogue was a bit corny in parts and predictable in others but for a romantic sucker like me, I didn’t really mind. I like that the producers were bold enough to make a movie that tackles the issue of sex in relationships front and center. The married one and her husband cope with getting used to each other in bed once again. Our well-endowed lady goes clubbing and sleeps with her man friend with no questions asked. Even the quiet one has sex with her lowly mechanic and declares it, the best she’s had. I think she added “ever” but I am not sure now, lol.

A summary of the movie I saw somewhere said that “Girls will not settle for anything less if love is not in the picture”. So we are left to assume that love makes a relationship, the perfect picture. Totally true but eh, not so fast! What about sex? Here I will focus on the married couple, Aseye and Larry. The sexual incompatibility between them is very true in some marriages and was addressed full on.

We see at their wedding that they are in love with each other. They had dated for years and been celibate for about a year while planning the wedding. The reason was “to make it fresh and new” in the marriage. So wedding night comes and, they couldn’t get past the awkwardness of sex. The scene was over extended and there may have been some exaggerated head bumps and inexplicable elbow nudges but we saw what could happen when a married couple cannot consummate their love relationship with sex. The actors (Jackie Appiah and Chris Attoh) did their best to portray the emotions even though the script could have been better.

The Perfect Picture shows that when the sexual advances by a man or a woman are turned down by their partners, they can sometimes view themselves as being poor lovers. A lot of people believe that their desirability is defined by the love they receive from their partners. So they take sexual rejection very personally, because their sense of self-worth has become coupled to approval from their partner. It is not different between Aseye and Larry. She is depressed and despairs, while he is frustrated by his erectile dysfunction and suffers a lowered self-esteem. There had been no prior history but the resulting stress does not help matters for both of them. Larry tries to ‘handle’ the trouble on his own without much success. Work also gets in the way when Aseye wants to spice things up.

In a perfect world of love, one would have expected Aseye to assume the role of an understanding mate, and attempt to motivate Larry to be optimistic so that they could deal with their problem together. However, like it sometimes happens in real life, she becomes difficult, antagonistic and blames him for what is happening to them both. She only stops short of directly denigrating his manliness. The doctor they consulted pointed out to them that a healthy and relaxed mind is very important for a mutually enjoyable sex life. They go on to try some of his tips but all are for naught. Aseye then arranges a switch to see if her friend could arouse Larry. There is a whole misunderstanding after this but the bottom line is that the couple had to ask themselves the question; “can love go the distance without sex?” Their answer was no as they go their separate ways. This is not how the money ends of course.

Still I thought it would be interesting to ask, what’s sex got to do with marriage?

If you were in Aseye's shoes, what would you do and what would your answer be?

Myne Whitman is the pen name of Nigerian blogger, poet and author of A Heart to Mend. She is quiet and laid-back but does like a good loud debate sometimes. Three words for Myne, friendly, caring and fun-loving. She has been a teacher, NGO consultant, banker, skate-hire attendant, researcher and government worker. After a postgrad degree and a few years in Edinburgh, she now lives in Seattle with her husband.