If It Isn't Love: Don't Make Excuses for A Love That's Not Right For You9/30/2010
Did you ever offer your love in a shaky situation because you thought you would be able to control it? Seriously. Did you ever date or try ...
Did you ever offer your love in a shaky situation because you thought you would be able to control it? Seriously. Did you ever date or try to woo someone or allow yourself to BE wooed by someone whom you KNOW good and well is not a match for you? You knew they were too tall, too short, too fat, too skinny, too broke, too stupid, too ugly, too country, too ghetto, too weird, too quiet, too loud, too corny or just too wack for you. Or maybe on a more mellow note you guys just did NOT share the same values, cares concerns or general ideas about life? But you pursued them anyway? Or allowed them to pursue you, because you thought their shortcomings would give you an advantage in the situation? Or because you wanted to try EXTREME dating (think high levels of inherent danger), so you tried to wrestle down the most Unlike you person you could find?
Listen. Just cut it out. I tweeted recently that bending over backwards to slide under a bar set too low really does leave you in "limbo". It's unnatural, just like being in over your head. Why do you think that just because you have to dumb down, slow down or shrink for someone that you can control them? They are controlling YOU. You’re the one sitting in the “special class” of love when you should be in the honors program. Not them. They are overachieving and everyone involved knows it. And guess what? They are human beings. And that means you can’t control what they do. AND, just as you are covering for them and hovering over them? Another person is willing to do the same thing. SO: while you are steady settling and trying to fit a round peg into a square hole, your slacker boo may ACTUALLY get tired of YOU and move on to the next charitable lover, making YOU feel “settled for”! You see where I am going with this? Stop slumming. Or at least stop trying to make romance with someone that you have to CHANGE in order to love. If you don’t even RESPECT them it isn’t love. If your description of them is full of “if onlys” it isn’t love. If you are waiting for them to DO something or to STOP doing something before you can love them “all the way”, it isn’t love. It’s obsession. Or perceived ownership. Or some other foolishness that is going to leave you brokenhearted or mad as hell when it doesn’t work out. Because it won’t.
You can't drag a person to the top of your mountain. They must be willing to climb their own. Can you imagine literally climbing a mountain trying to DRAG your significant other to the top with you because they are unwilling to even move? What’s going to happen? You’re going to fall backwards and kill both of you right? STOP IT. The other scenario is that a sexy mountain ranger comes along and steals your mate and the supplies and leaves YOU to die on the mountainside with all your energy and resources gone. Get the drift? Let it go. The crazy thing is that many unpolished underachievers still have the gull to live by ego rather than principle. They KNOW you have no business with them so they are going to try to press their luck. OR they are going to guilt you, stress you or suffocate you into wallowing right with them. Don't let them happen to you.
The point is: Live. Love yourself. Admit your dreams and chase them. Remember what makes you happy and allow your heart to find that in others. Be the best you that you can be so that you will have the courage when you meet your match.
Angela Ford Johnson is a Philly-based writer and consultant, affectionately known as Angie Writes. Follow her on Twitter and Tumblr