This list is a compilation of the things I’ve learned while being single and dating in this crazy world. I have tons more things I could share, but I believe these are the most important.

Literary icon Ntozake Shange sits for a brief interview with The Root's Harriete Cole. In the 10 minute clip, Shange discusses:

• -How For Colored Girls Who Have Considered Suicide When the Rainbow Is Enuf made it Broadway
• -How she forbid Madea from making an appearance in Tyler Perry's For Colored Girls
• -Her writing process
• -How She's overcome her recent health challenges

Shange's latest novel Some Sing, Some Cry (written with her sister Ifa Bayeza) is now available in hardcover.

There was something corrupted about her. Some days she’d joke and laugh, rubbing shoulders with others in the crowd, batting social cues left and right. But at any point she might turn and stare into space, a smile stretching her lips into a thin corkscrew, a dark humor flushing her cheeks.

The moment would pass. She would become human again.

But when she drank it returned and the predatory gleam of violence re-infused her face, some malevolence that soiled her eyes, marked her every movement with a curious, rancid energy.

I would step back from her then, unnerved. She’d be fine in the morning but at night I watched as pretense drained away, as she became a being who walked a language-restrained, whose voice, to everyone so smooth and sweet, was the voice of a woman in bondage, whose painful, silent, unconscious battle re-emerged in charmless, hollowed out encounters against the very people she loved and needed most. It made the tiny hairs on my neck recoil in alarm.

That the world existed to destroy her–well, there was no question. But that a swollen cheek or tear-stained chin became orgasmic was the other part of the story–and not the most interesting part besides.

~Kismet Nuñez, Untitled/Unfinished Book Project, September 2010

Some of the hardest battles we fight are the battles over own souls. Our sanity. It is real work to keep our love unsoiled by the pressures of a world that wants to deny our existence–that, at times, is mobilized in a concerted effort to exterminate us. A world that does not acknowledge that we are human, that we are women, that our blackness & brownness has meaning in our lives and therefore is relevant and real and beautiful, that our right to passion and to the fullness of our being is a right we deserve to fight for and kill for unto the end of our days.

It is a battle that isn’t won once. It is labor we do over and over, from the moment we wake up in the morning. Our inability to love ourselves fully is insidious and sneaky and before we know it, the damage is done. We open our eyes and the sun is shining but our love is a twisted, dark and dangerous thing, a weapon we deploy against others–often women as brown and black as we are–to keep them in line. A whip against those who are struggling and deserve our support, our help, but whose road to brilliance is a light that illuminates the self hatred in our lives.

Before we know it, we are on the way to making ourselves better by manifesting the breadth and depth of a toxic inhumanity and justifying the same with the long arm of Church, State & Politics.

It is what happens when black girls are forced into closets.

It is what happens when brown girls are told by mothers and fathers and priests that the God they love is judging them by criteria ranging from the color of their hair to the color of their hymen.

It is what happens when academic institutions construct esoteric parameters for tenure that, in their very structure, deny the legitimacy of research & writing specific to bodies of color.

It is what happens when we drink the water and let settle, deep inside us, the silt and muddy wetness of a hatred that knows no bounds, that is deadly serious, that would see us destroyed to justify itself, so that instead of waiting for the dark to come we do the work of execution all on our own.

“I’m talking to you, Brownfield,” said Grange, “and most of what I’m saying is you got to hold tight a place in you where they can’t come.” ~Alice Walker, Third Life of Grange Copeland, 1970

This morning I finished The Third Life of Grange Copeland by Alice Walker (courtesy of @booksfree). And I spent last night fielding a series of crisis calls from friends in need, sistren grappling with the reality of their lives, yearning to love themselves against institutions with paradigms that deny them even a language to understand their world.

After each conversation, I forced myself to focus, because in their words I also heard myself; fighting for life, fighting not to drown under the weight of rules and regulations that do not fit the actuality of our lives. My struggle was their struggle, is my sister’s struggle, my mother’s struggle, my abuela’s….


…and it is more than just breathing. It is a daily battle to breathe and stay human, to avoid becoming as twisted and gnarled and wrong as they’d like us to, as they imagine we are, because that is what they see when they look at their own reflection.

But how the hell do you give birth to yourself–and keep that self alive?

That is part of the excitement over Willow Smith’s video. And the general hub-bub over the Sesame Street “I Love My Hair” video (and the mash-up). And the importance of wearing purple on Oct. 20th and advocating against homophobia on a daily basis.

Because this is a little girl not only breathing but manifesting every innocent and fabulous part of herself, sharing it with the world, demanding that we be “warriorettes” and “warriors” right along with her.

Because little girls are here and around the world are going to watch Willow, are going to watch the “I Love My Hair” muppet (who Puff is right–needs a name) and dance, unconsciously or consciously mapping new terrain in the way they are allowed/able/affirmed/admonished to understand themselves. And growing up in a world of social media, they may even be able to start making their own language to understand themselves, troubling the edges of what we all believe to be true or untrue, appropriate or inappropriate, manifesting a love that isn’t wrong or right but at least free–and therefore all their own.

Because if we do not find ways to fight against the terrain of hatred that we’ve sown, willingly or unwillingly, in our lives and in our society, what we can expect is many more little girls, little boys, and children who fall somewhere in between, hurting themselves, killing themselves, or killing others because they are doing with their bodies and their hands what society is doing to them.

Kismet Nuñez is a blogger, writer, student, teacher, researcher, historian, fangirl, lover, sister, daughter and everything in between. You can find her working cures at Nuñez Daughter, making gris-gris in the WOC Survival Kit or twiddling her thumbs on Twitter. Her doppelgängers also roam the web, well-managed and well-fed thanks to the iwannalive production team.

via Open Democracy:

‘Jesus was a feminist!’ asserts Mercy Amba Oduyoye, a feminist theologian based at the Holy Trinity Seminary in Accra, Ghana and founder of the ‘Circle of Concerned African Women Theologians’. Simple words perhaps, but in the context of a growing normalisation of religious fundamentalist views, these are brave, doctrine-shattering words. On the second day of the African Feminist Forum, participants are debating the impact and patterns of religious fundamentalism in Africa, and considering feminist responses to it from both within and outside of religious discourse.

In this excerpt from the interview, Mercy explains her take on feminist theological discourse.

Q: Who is a feminist theologian?

Mercy: A feminist is a woman who listens to the kind of God who loves and is compassionate and wants human beings to thrive. You’re a theologian because you want to critically look at your religion and ask yourself, ‘what is my religion doing in the community?’ ‘What is my religion doing to me?’ ‘What are the ethical principles coming out of this religion and are we doing it right?’

Q: There is a growing wave of African Christian clergy who are using the Bible to justify discrimination and hatred, and women's continued inequality. Does the Bible itself justify this, or is this just an abuse of the Bible for political ends?

Mercy: The Bible is not a monolithic scheme. If you read the Bible from a feminist perspective there is no way that you can say ‘God wants women to be oppressed’. The scripture is misquoted and it is used to justify anything. There are sixty six books in the Bible and each one has its own history with links running through. Ancient theologians like Luther say that the thread that goes through the Bible is the love of God, and any person that doesn’t make me feel like you have to honour another human being, deal with them as human beings, talk to them kindly, respect their humanity, that person is not a Christian, they are simply using it for their own ends. Any religion can be used in that manner.

Read the rest of the interview here.

Via Zelda Lily:

A new contraceptive body cream, which could one day replace the Pill, has been developed by scientists, the UK media reports this morning. Women need only to rub a small amount of the product into their arms, legs, shoulders or abdomen, once a day, to ensure that they do not fall pregnant. In early clinical trials, the cream has thus far proved to be just as effective as using the Pill.

The main benefit of the contraceptive cream, reportedly, is that it does not cause the same side effects, such as weight gain, acne or mood swings, that affect 40% of women who take the Pill. Experts believe that this could make the cream popular with self-conscious girls …

… and young women, and could ultimately help tackle rising teenage pregnancy rates.

Would you use a contraceptive lotion?

When I was in eighth grade, my English teacher asked each student to place five items in a box that best represented him or her. In my box, I placed a pair of scissors, a brown crayon and three other items I've long since forgotten. When it was time to present my "Alona box" to the class, I pulled out the scissors and cut off a piece of my weave! Holding the borrowed hair next to my heart, I professed my undying love for weave. That day, I knew that other people's hair would always have a special place in my heart!

Cash, Rules, Everything, Around, Me/
C.R.E.A.M./
Get the money/
Dollar, dollar bill y'all ~Wu Tang Clan

This maxim has been adopted by many African Americans; adopted with such ferocity that its bondage is inevitably passed from generation to generation. Over the past few weeks conversations have been had about the lack of economic stability within the black community. And the consensus among these 30 year old men and women is the same. While one young lady commented that to hear that her worth was less than a $100 was offensive, it was true. Single with no kids, she dwelled in an apartment, spent weekends shopping, days eating out, and saved minimum. The notion of being financially responsible eluded her because she had in her words, “no real responsibility.”

According to African Americans Revealed, in 2008 African Americans accounted for a 10% increase in population from 2008 versus 2000, while African-American buying power increased more than 55% during the same period to $913 billion. By the year 2013 black buying power will reach $1.2 trillion dollars, a whopping 35% increase versus 2008, according to BET. What’s even more baffling and quite the contradiction is the wealth gap between blacks and whites which hovers around 75K. This article does not serve to merely point fingers as to who’s to blame for the disparity but instead seeks to share ideas on how to build equity, security, and mobility within our community.


The fact still remains that while being a good servant, money is a poor master; contributing to the rise and fall of kingdoms, empires, nations, and people. Outside of quick riches many a man cannot fathom the idea of self-made wealth through such guiding principles as personal sacrifice and discipline.

Today African Americans represent approximately five percent of the 1.6 million people in the financial services industry and 8.6 percent of financial managers. This present “coloring” to the industry is a powerful commodity for blacks as we seek to receive sound advice from prudent individuals that are of the same descent.

The first step in building a solid financial house is realizing that it needs to be done and doing away with the desire to keep up appearances or keep up with the Joneses. The priority is to set financial goals and then put this plan into action thus setting a foundation for accumulating wealth. Learning to live within one’s means is critical otherwise the cycle of debt and borrowing continues. The 70/30 rule is possibly one of the fastest ways to build wealth according to a representative in the financial services industry who has a career spanning over 26 years. It’s where you save 30% of your income and live off the other 70% with daily living expenses. The 30% percent can be broken down to 10% for charity and 20% for savings. Saving is crucial and an added value as an emergency fund for the unexpected. Through it all, assets must be protected with insurance, especially if one has a dependent family.

We have the opportunity to turn the woes of poor money management and the lack of financial literacy around. My hope for us all is that we ascend to a place where we move from consumers to savers, from savers to investors, from investors to producers. Within this realm, it is the producers and investors that reap the greatest gains and in turn create generational wealth.
Live well,
Skyy

Skyy Banks is an author and freelance writer who is a native of Arkansas and now calls Atlanta, GA her home. Banks enjoys reading, writing, and traveling. Banks uses her writing as a platform to encourage her readers to explore taboo subjects and engage in dialogue to find solutions. She is a self-motivated woman and knows the world is waiting for her greatness. "The only limits are the ones I place upon myself; I don't have any."

[Editor's Note: Yesterday evening I sent an email to Tariq Muhammad Walker of AOL Black Voices asking for an official statement on the Jawn Murray situation. He responded this afternoon. Here is our exchange.]


Hello Mr. Muhammad,

My name is Kimberly Foster, and I am the editor in chief of ForHarriet.com. On Friday, we published a story about comments made by one of your contributors, Jawn Murray. On Wednesday, October 20, Mr. Murray published two tweets to his Twitter account in which he referred to Black women as "angry," "militant," and "nappy-headed."

Black women were outraged by Mr. Murray's comments. A circulated petition on Twitter reached over 100,000 users, and posts on our site and MadameNoire.com on the comments have been widely circulated.

We are still surprised, however, by the lack of a response from AOL's Black Voices considering Black women make up a substantial portion of your website's readership.

Though we appreciate Mr. Murray's attempt to apologize, many Black women were left unsatisfied with his failure to accept culpability for the hurtfulness of his "joke."

We would like to know that you take our concerns about the behavior of your employees seriously. What is AOL Black Voices' official position on the comments made by Mr. Murray? What steps has your company taken to insure that your employees will be discouraged from making similar inflammatory comments in the future?

Please be advised that your response will be published as an official statement on ForHarriet.com

Best,
Kimberly Foster


Hello Ms. Foster,

Thank you for reaching out. We are aware of the insensitive comments made by Jawn Murray on his personal Twitter account last week and have reviewed the ensuing feedback from our audience. As an independent freelance contributor, Mr. Murray's personal comments are his own and in no way reflect the opinion of AOL BlackVoices or any staff member. Over the past several years Mr. Murray's efforts for AOL BlackVoices have been productive and professional. Mr. Murray's ongoing contribution to AOL BlackVoices is under review while we determine how best to move forward. As always, BlackVoices' mission is to provide an inclusive environment for news and views for, by and about the black community.

Regards,

Tariq Muhammad Walker
VP AOL BlackVoices


The Tom Joyner Morning Show has yet to respond to our request for comment. Contact Reach Media at (972) 789-1058 or Maiya Hollie maiya.hollie@reachmediainc.com

[Editor's Note: I received this letter written to VP of AOL Black Voices Tariq Muhammad regarding Jawn Murray's offensive Twitter rant. The author, Regina Hamilton, requested it be published here.]

Hello Mr. Tariq Muhammad,

My name is Regina Hamilton and I am writing concerning the recent derogatory comments one of your reporters, a Mr. Jawn Murray, made on twitter, seemingly about black women. I am writing, not only about these disparaging comments, but also about the so-called apology that Mr. Murray posted on Youtube. I watched the entirety of the posted apology, and while I applaud his efforts at trying to assuage the hurt feelings and offended sensibilities of some of his fan base by speaking, I am simultaneously outraged that Mr. Murray thinks he can denigrate black women and then reduce his culpability by claiming he was merely “making a joke.”

I find it interesting that in the defense of Tyler Perry, a director, producer, and writer who has been known to consistently reproduce certain derogatory stereotypes of black women, that Mr. Murray finds it necessary to take up this same black woman-hating discourse. What does being “nappy-headed” and “militant” have to do with having distaste for either Mr. Perry or the comments made by Mr. Murray? I don’t understand the connection, and in Mr. Murray’s apology video I would have liked an explanation of this random juxtaposition between “nappy-headedness,” “militancy,” and a supposed assault on Tyler Perry. There are innumerable critics of Mr. Perry’s work and they include people from many different races (and with many different hairstyles). What is it about women (black or otherwise) with an opinion that causes such harsh and hurtful responses? Why is it that no matter our academic standing or credentials for social critique, we are assumed to be excessively critical to a level that needs regulation by men or society at large? The fact of the matter is that it is our right to critique the images of black women that are appropriated by the modern media and to have those critiques taken seriously whether we are “militant” or “nappy-headed” or not.

Let’s unpack the term “nappy-headed” for a second. Aside, from simply gesturing toward the “militancy” or anti-mainstream nature of black women who choose to wear their hair naturally (meaning that the hair is not chemically straightened and/or straightened using heat), the invocation of “naps” or nappy-headedness hearkens to a time when “nappy-headed” was just one of the many different derogatory terms used against black people. Black hair was “nappy,” meaning unnaturally curly, coarse, unruly and hard to manage, in other words not white hair. Nappy hair was (is?) one more corporeal signifier that allowed for a reading of “coloredness” and therefore the state of being “less than” onto a specifically black body. This is a discourse of racial hierarchy, one of many discourses that started with the advent and proliferation of slavery and racial prejudice through these United States.

There are many things that are problematic with Mr. Murray’s tweets and subsequent apology video. The first, and I think more hurtful, thing is that Mr. Murray, as a black man (STILL) thinks it is funny to propagate certain discourses about black women. I put Mr. Murray’s comments in the same category that I put Don Imus’ “nappy-headed ho” comments about the Rutgers Women’s Basketball team, in fact, since Mr. Murray is a member of the same race as the women he is maligning and also wears his hair in a natural style, his comments are all the more hurtful. Mr. Murray is a well-known (well, sort of) black commentator on black culture, news and entertainment. He is afforded a voice and there are people who will believe in the veracity of what he says, joke or not. It’s a shame that Mr. Murray uses his voice to take shots at many of the people who have supported his career in its varying facets over the years. It is also very sad that Mr. Murray does not seem to understand or care that he is being instrumental in bringing certain negative stereotypes about black women into the present and future, while continuing to propagate raced, classed and gendered discourses that map “otherness” onto black female bodies.

Regina Hamilton is a 24 year old graduate student and culture critic. She believes in the power of words and the consequences of using them unwisely. Lift your voice, but remember the systems of control that we all have to operate within. Illuminate these systems of control and try not to propagate them.

Tariq Muhammad of AOL Black Voices has issued an official statement. View it here.

The Tom Joyner Morning Show has yet to respond to our request for comment. Contact Reach Media at (972) 789-1058 or Maiya Hollie maiya.hollie@reachmediainc.com

Who's looking out for Black women? Who comes to our defense when we are publicly demeaned?

On Wednesday, October 20, Jawn Murray, an entertainment reporter for AOL's Black Voices and contributor to the Tom Joyner Morning Show, sent out this tweet:



Certainly, Mr. Murray could have expressed his enthusiasm for Tyler Perry's latest work without insulting Black women or natural hair. The language was unnecessarily offensive.  And when Black women pushed back, Murray followed up with this:



In light of Jawn Murray's employment by media outlets which claim to cater to the needs and interests of African-Americans, his statements are unacceptable.  That is why For Harriet is circulating a petition to demand an apology from Mr. Murray.

Mr. Murray made a mistake. An apology is not too much to ask for. 

While we attend to the greater ills that plague Black women like the deadliest breast cancers and domestic violence, we cannot continue to ignore the constant denigration that we receive.

UPDATE: JAWN MURRAY HAS ISSUED AN APOLOGY. 



Tariq Muhammad of AOL Black Voices has issued an official statement. View it here.
The Tom Joyner Morning Show has yet to respond to our request for comment. Contact Reach Media at (972) 789-1058 or Maiya Hollie at maiya.hollie@reachmediainc.com

The first episode of the For Harriet Roundtable has arrived. The Roundtable was created to bring together Black women of all walks of life to discuss important issues in our community and in the news. Our guests for the first edition are Deesha Philyaw, Starr Rhett, Desiree Adaway, and Regina Bradley.


Topics discussed include:
-Virginia Thomas' phonecall to Anita Hill.
-Aliya S. King's "The Mean Girls of Morehouse"
-Black Women and Domestic Violence Awareness Month
-Natural Hair Backlash and the Natural Hair Community

What did you think of the first show?

"There in all of us rest a piece of God that lays in wait for us to conjure up and love. We see God when we LOVE each other." - Tshombe

I've been wanting to do a response to brother-poet Joshua Bennett's amazing poem "10 Things I Want to Say to a Black Woman" for a while now, but haven't yet thought of anything that could quite compare. Joshua's poem is a stirring rendition of a black man's unconditional love for his fellow sisters. Ever since the video was posted, I've seen so many black women sharing it with their friends over Facebook and Twitter, often stating that "it brought them to tears" or "redeemed their faith in black men."

On the flip side, I recently came across this painful statement on LaShaun Williams' blog:

There are good Black men in this world, just not many.

Ouch. LaShaun is the author of the infamous "8 Reasons to Date a White Man" article on Madame Noire. It was one of the most damaging, stereotypical articles I've read in a long time. Though, I have to respect a writer who sticks to her guns and expands on her convictions. From reading the articles on her personal blog, it's clear that LaShaun really does believe that most black men ain't sh*t (except her black husband, of course), but what was most painful to me was that so many other sisters agree with her. I use the word painful because that's how I feel when I hear any negative stereotypes lobbed at black men OR women. That's MY people. And I've always believed that black love is also self-love. How can I love MY identity as a black woman . . . yet reject black men? I am only one half of the same race coin. So, when people make negative statements about black men, why wouldn't I take it personally as a black person? It makes little sense to me.

But anyway, I'm much more interested in the logic of black male bashing as a result of negative experience, as it is the only logic that makes sense to me. It cannot possibly be the case that all black women have had nothing but horrible and demeaning relationships with black men. Misogynistic rappers aside (I see you Lil' Wayne), experiences probably play a huge part in how we view black men in all areas of life. While my own father was pretty much a deadbeat, the black men that I have met, befriended and dated throughout my life have rarely been reflective of the limiting stereotypes and statistics that are constantly thrown at us. If I believed the hype, however, perhaps my eyes wouldn't be as open to actually see the "good black men out there." But then again, so much of what I love about black men mirrors what I love about black women . . . and what I love about myself.

Black love, then, has to be self-love, right? I mean, how can we hate black men and not, in some circle-of-life kind of way, hate ourselves? Even if we choose to date outside of our race, it doesn't really mean that we have to disown our race. . . right? We're still sisters and brothers who can see past all the propaganda being dumped on us and remember what it was like to need each other . . . right?

So if black love is, in fact, self-love, then how do we honor that love? How do we keep ourselves from hopping on the black male bashing bandwagon? More specifically, how do we begin to co-create a world that gives credence to our full experiences as black people and not just as numbers on a national spreadsheet calculating our every moral error? Every disease, every arrest, every job loss, every illegitimate child, every unfinished education, every non-marriage is counted against us and we, in turn, count it against each other.

I know black men aren't perfect. Which is OK, because neither am I. And neither are you. What I also know, however, is that there are more good black men out there than most of us seem to realize. And they actually do love black women. Many of them are just waiting for us to love them back.

Rosetta Thurman is a writer and positive thinker on a passionate journey to live her best life and help others do the same. She writes about personal development in work, love and life on happyblackwoman.com.

Lisa: He hits me.

Victoria: When? 

Lisa: Often. 

Victoria: Well, you must stop doing what you're doing to make him angry.

Lisa: What? 

Victoria: Women sometimes have to deal with things to be comfortable.

This brief yet poignant dialogue between mother and daughter sent chills down my spine. Tyler Perry (Madea’s Family Reunion) hit the nail on the head in exposing a generational curse that afflicts many families. Even more mind blowing was that after years of denial, I could relate, this curse had become mine.

While October is National Breast Cancer Month, it is also Domestic Violence Awareness Month. Domestic Violence touches us all, regardless of race, socioeconomic status, or gender. However, it disproportionately affects African American women. Did you know that African-American women experience intimate partner violence at rates 35% higher than their White counterparts and 2.5 times the rate of men and other races? These are only reported cases and the prevalence could be 10% higher as there is no national data base that tracks these statistics. Even more daunting is that not only are African American women less likely to prosecute their abusers, but are also less likely to leave contributing to more than 1/3 of homicides by intimate partners.

I remember as a young girl being the one who quickly shunned and ridiculed other girls that were suffering domestic violence. “I wish a nigga would put his hands on me. She is crazy for staying with him.” Were just a few things I said not knowing that those shoes I would one day wear and those very words I would one day swallow... hard. I was 16 when the first violent hand came against me. When questioned about the busted lip, I lied to my mother. The lies continued throughout high school and spilled over into my college career. I remember staying in, hiding out, and missing school and Sorority functions until the bruises healed. This secret I kept from the world, because in my mind he would change while excusing his abuse because of an absent father. The irony in my story is that although I never witnessed domestic violence in my home against my mother, this very thing ripped her out of lives in May of 2000. Seven bullets from a 22 caliber fired by a long time acquaintance struck her down and sadly enough still didn’t allow me the courage to leave.

We as African American women can be painfully judgmental. I can recall just as recent as the Rihanna domestic violence case where so many women blamed her for the violence. There were round table discussions on what she should not have done. I hurt for her. I hurt even more for the young women, who in the same situation could have been helped had she spoken out and used her platform to shed light on domestic violence among youth. I hurt for the women in the midst of these conversations who were suffering from abuse but were too ashamed to speak out and ask for help. The stigma of domestic violence is powerful in that it undermines all that being a black women embodies; strength, protector, provider, nurturer and so forth.

I escaped my nightmare in 2004. I look over all the times I could have been dead and am thankful for God’s promise for my life, the silent prayers, and my guardian Angel. Domestic violence chips away at the core of a person and can go either of two ways; life or death. Although the signs are not always evident, remember that love does not hurt in any fashion or form and loving him more won’t change his behavior. Sisters be slow to judge and quick to listen to those that are struggling with this societal issue and I don’t care if you’ve been down the road 50 times with a family member or friend, your giving up only drives her into further isolation and deeper harm.

A survivor is defined as one who perseveres “after”. I am a SURVIVOR!

Signs that you are in an abusive relationship from www.helpguide.org

Do you:
• feel afraid of your partner much of the time?
• avoid certain topics out of fear of angering your partner?
• feel that you can’t do anything right for your partner?
• believe that you deserve to be hurt or mistreated?
• wonder if you’re the one who is crazy?
• feel emotionally numb or helpless?

Does your partner:
• humiliate or yell at you?
• criticize you and put you down?
• treat you so badly that you’re embarrassed for your friends or family to see?
• ignore or put down your opinions or accomplishments?
• blame you for his own abusive behavior?
• see you as property or a sex object, rather than as a person?
• act excessively jealous and possessive?
• control where you go or what you do?
• keep you from seeing your friends or family?
• limit your access to money, the phone, or the car?
• constantly check up on you?
• have a bad and unpredictable temper?
• hurt you, or threaten to hurt or kill you? 
• threaten to take your children away or harm them?
• threaten to commit suicide if you leave?
• force you to have sex?

Skyy Banks is an author and freelance writer who is a native of Arkansas and now calls Atlanta, GA her home. Banks enjoys reading, writing, and traveling. Banks uses her writing as a platform to encourage her readers to explore taboo subjects and engage in dialogue to find solutions. She is a self-motivated woman and knows the world is waiting for her greatness. "The only limits are the ones I place upon myself; I don't have any."

Most of my life I’ve felt like a horse of a different color, a social misfit, a loner. You see I’m a Black person on the inside but not on the outside. I guess you can say, I’m African American by birth but choose to live as a Black person by choice. To help you understand what I mean, we have to go back to nineteen sixty something in Southwest Louisiana. At that time and in that place there where three kinds of Black people: Light, Bright and Darn Near White. This highly sophisticated classification was determined by the lightness or darkness of ones’ skin color as it compared to a paper bag. Yes, I said a paper bag. As misfortune would have it, my skin color was much lighter than a paper bag which placed me into the Darn Near White category.

“You don’t have to live next to me Just give me my equality”-Nina Simone from the song Mississippi Goddam

October is National LGBT month and October 11th is designated National Come Out Day. I read an article on Vibe.com by Aliya S. King yesterday titled the “The Mean Girls of Morehouse.” In almost an instant the article spread like a venereal disease and the feedback was vociferous. I thought twitter was going to shut down the push back was that intense and mainly very negative. Many people argued it wasn’t fair and balanced enough and it put Morehouse in a negative light. I can understand the argument on both sides, but what struck me the most is how Black people are almost unwilling to discuss Black sexuality beyond heterosexuality.

Why is everyone else allowed to be sexual beings and explore their sexuality except us? Human beings are probably the only species that have sexual relations outside of the need and want to procreate. We engage in sex because we actually enjoy it, but for some reason a large number of Black folks refuse to come to terms with the fact that not everyone enjoys heterosexual sex. Sexuality is fluid. We must get to a place where we can respect all various forms of sexuality. There is a large number of straight people who think that if they give credence to gays, accept the fact that people are born gay, and if the government gives gays and lesbians equal rights that heterosexuality will cease to exist and that the human race will become extinct. This type of thinking is problematic, divisive, and distracts us from the bigger picture.

The gay rights struggle is so closely interlocked with the feminist movement as well as the Black Civil Rights movement. We have more in common than we want to admit. As people of color it doesn’t behoove us to adopt an “us vs. them” mentality because not too long ago we were considered the “them’s” and in some circles we are still considered the social outcast. Not too long ago my brothers and sisters we were considered 3/5 of a person, we were not allowed to marry, serve God how we wanted, keep our language, or even our own names. Just because “massah” has allowed us to sit at the big table and sleep in the White House doesn’t mean that as a collective group that we have arrived and we shouldn’t be quick to forget and disassociate ourselves with other minorities who are being marginalized.

The same way that Black people come in beautiful shades of brown and Black skin is the same way our sexualities is diverse, but at the end of the day we all add to the bigger picture. We should not shy away from discussing sexuality and how it adds to our lives. As Dr. Martin Luther King said, an “injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere.” I challenge all of my readers especially those of us who are straight to use the month of October to learn about the LGBT movement. We all must come out the closet of ignorance and separatism and walk towards light of acceptance.

Why do you think it is so hard for people to accept that being Black and gay can coexist?

ORIGINALLY POSTED AT FEMINIST GRIOTE

We love and appreciate the For Harriet community. That's why we're announcing the first of our reader appreciation giveaways. Now through Monday, November 1, when you leave a comment on an article, you'll be entered to win a t-shirt and tote of your choice from Bon Bon Vie. This is just our way of saying thanks!




Details:
-Please use the same username each time you comment, so we can track your entries.
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-One winner will be chosen at Random on November 2, 2010.

It has always been a diversionary tactic of the oppressor to pit the oppressed against one another, but who would think that the educated oppressed would still fall prey to this antiquated tactic. However, such seemed to be the case with one of my former colleges in the city of Atlanta, Bishop Eddie L. Long. Bishop Long had organized a “anti-gay/pro-family” march in the city that I still consider a home and retreat to, the city my nephews and niece are being raised in, the city whose Churches my Mother plays organ for on Sunday morning.

“Why do things like this always happen to me?” she said. It was no secret she used men to fill a void so cavernous Dracula would get lost. Do I tell her that she is a repeat offender? Once again she chose his needs over hers and found little to no reciprocation. You may think you are not in her boat…but are you jumping into a plush yacht? As women we believe that we have high standards. I do not know about you, but I have lowered mine a few times only to find the booby prize in the bottom of Crackerjack box. Low standards can creep up on a person. It all starts with small indiscretions.

At, or around age 12 my big sister died. Her mouth housed a huge gap in between her two front teeth, and after her passing, I began to notice a space forming in between my own. At the important age of 13, I begged my parents to help me fix this, and they agreed. We proceeded to fix all cavities, and made numerous visits to a dentist before getting an ok, a blessing, and a referral to a downtown orthodontist.

After my first, and only visit, she poked and prodded, and finally asked me to lay back and relax, while she spoke, over me to my parents. Little did we all know, she was watching my mouth in relaxed action. She noticed an aggressive over bite, and the meanest tongue thrust. She broke the news that she would have to retrain my tongue function, remove 4 teeth to bring all together, and finally, after all that, she couldn't guarantee the gap wouldn't come back. Needless to say, the parents and I decided to live with it. I even made myself believe it was some sort of sisterly blessing.

High school and college came and went. I survived my twenties with this oral imperfection. I and my friends began to notice that I always smile the same, in every photo. I never show my teeth, even down playing them in conversation. Was I ashamed?

I remember over a year ago, meeting a guy online, and us hitting it off amazingly, like old friends. I was blown away by his photos, and he mine. When we first spoke, it was like 2 old friends. I was excited! Upon reviewing both of our deal breakers in dating, he revealed that teeth were very important to him. I froze. He explained he was an actor, and how a person looked was very important for his profession, and went into detail about how a woman's teeth had to look. I froze. On the days leading up to our date, I was worried, and insecure about everything. I wore a great dress, and got my hair done. He ultimately just wanted me to come back to Brooklyn with him. Booooo!

Then there have been all the weirdos who have referenced a heightened sexuality with women who have gaps in their two front teeth. Ugghhh!

This brings me to today. I just happened to watch the latest episode of America's Next Top Model, where the ladies are getting makeovers. One particular, had a slight space, and Tyra informed her that they were going maximize the 'now' look, alter her smile to give it a wider look. Really??!?!?!?!? I sat in awe as I watched this girls' less than one-sixteenth of an inch space get filed out to a quarter millimeter.

So many magazines have written recent articles about how having this spacing is the new trend. Actress Anna Paquin, from True Blood; 'it' girl, and Louis Vuitton model Lara Stone, Madonna, and Laura Hutton, have all made it ok to have a more 'natural smile'.

So what do I do, guess I'll start showing it off, it's about time I came back in style.

In 11th grade, when it was time to register for the following years' senior classes, Robyn D. Webb knew that Honor's English was a joke, and that she should be granted entry into Gifted and Talented / Advanced Placement English for her final year of high school, in Baltimore. She was, but proceeded to pursue a career in Fashion. Throughout, she has continued to use writing as a vehicle to 'decompress', sort through emotional highs and lows, and usual bouts of venting. Currently, Robyn is thriving in New York City, freelancing in the world of fashion, and looking to finally tap her skill of writing. http://robyninrealtime.wordpress.com/

[Editors Note: This blog is reposted from AlovelyDai a member of our blog network. Dai regularly writes incredible pieces on her blog, so be sure to visit.]

The craziest thing about relationships is that we (women) think we've cornered the market on them as if we're in them alone. We believe that we have all the answers like we invented love and all would be just fine if they (men) would only do what we say listen. I used to think this too. My girlfriends came to me with their own issues and I would listen & give answers. Then one day I realized that my answers were gifted to me by the lessons I learned from *gasp* men. I watched the premiere episode of LaLa's Full Court Wedding on Vh1 and one of her good friends singer/actor Tyrese gave her some advice about going from a girlfriend to a wife. While I'll hold my opinion to another post it got me thinking about all the wonderful insight I've learned from men. Here's a few. And if you haven't seen this episode click here.


1. Keep Your Business Personal
I was dating my favorite ex boyfriend and we had a quarrel. It was pretty minor by my account. So minor that I didn't think it was big deal to update a girlfriend about it. So I call her up & I'm all "Girl...you know what he did" blah blah blah. I don' recall how he found out but he none too pleased. To him it didn't matter if he slapped me or left the toilet seat up it was our business. Furthermore, he would feel "less than" during the next time he encountered said girlfriend. None of this made any sense to me. I always talk to my girls. His point was that if the situation was reversed I would never want any of his friends to view me as "that bytch" and he didn't want my friends to view him in an "ain't shyt" light. It makes perfect sense. In our need to vent and bond with our girlfriends we often over share the goings on in our relationships. And let's be honest, it's not always positive. Do pay attention to what you say about your mate. Also remember that when the issue is corrected & you're all lovey dovey again your girlfriend will still have an active tally of all your man has done wrong. You don't want that.

2. Speaking of Girlfriends...Men Are Not Your Girlfriends
My hubby knows if he sets up a question I will knock that mofo down. I'll give him a power point presentation complete with handouts on whatever he asks me. That said I only do this when he asks me. For example: "Hey babe, did you see that La La show last night?" Me: "Sure did." Hubby: "Whatcha think?" Me: "Well clearly we can ascertain from just this 22 minute episode that Carmelo was not the only one with commitment issues. The girl can't even commit to the damn $8000 Vera Wang that she already purchased...& let me tell you about Tyrese..." See how this works. LOL! For the record my hubby would never ask me this question which is why I have girlfriends & tweeties. I speak EPSNease to the hubby. I leave the celeb debates & other tomfoolery for my GFs.

3. And When You're Ready to Talk...Talk. Men Are Not Mind Readers
Oh how I'd love to sigh, pout, or stomp my way into what I need. I would channel my inner 2 year old and totally get everything. I'd be the best 2 year old ever! But alas I am a grown woman who is capable of words and putting them together and thus must use them. This is tough when you want your mate to understand you. Rewind. This is tough when you think your mate should already know what's wrong. They usually don't. And if they do, they don't understand. And if they understand, they don't know how to fix it. And if they know how to fix it, they are women mind readers. And men are not mind readers. My yummy hubby had to school me one day when I was giving him my patented silent treatment. This man got all kinds of frustrated with me, looked me deep in my soul, and said, "Babe, I can not read your mind. If something's wrong you gotta tell me." Wow! The heavens opened and the angels started singing. Then I understood not only does he not know what's wrong he doesn't even know something is wrong. Talk about a breakthrough. Once I gave in to the idea that he really wasn't paying attention needed me to explain my perspective it changed the way I communicated with him.

4. And While You're Communicating...Leave The Drama For the Stage
Funny story. My favorite ex boyfriend & I were on the phone chatting about something & he pissed me off. I hung up on him. Then I stared at the phone waiting for it to ring. When it didn't I called him back like, "Why didn't you call me back?" And he said, "Um, because you hung up on me." LOL! I laugh because for years before him in a very unhealthy relationship with another ex this was how we functioned. Screaming took the place of talking, name calling replaced love & respect & threatening to leave or actually leaving followed by 808s & heartbreak was simply the way we were. I thought everyone's relationship was like this. What? You don't throw things & punch walls to make a point? Hmm. Well good for you. I did. That is until I met someone who would not tolerate my behavior or excuse it as normal. After a while it all feels like one big Eminem & Rihanna song and that's not good for anyone. You will get angry. You may want to pluck every single one of his toe nails out one by one but that's no way to make a point. Didn't Sister Mary J Blige teach us how to have no more drama?


5. And Then Keep Your Balance...Remember to Do You
Once again this lesson comes from my favorite ex boyfriend. He was a single dad, worked full time, & was in school full time, yet still made time for himself. While I was always giving, depleting, and consequently exhausted, he was taking a nap. While I struggled to make time for my family & my girls he had a penciled in night with the fellas. He read books while I flipped hastily through magazines. Some of us think this is selfish behavior. I disagree. I think it's completely self less. Why? Because he was balanced. In fact most men I know are awesome at this. They work hard & most of them play harder. So what if the dishes pile up. So what if the clean clothes never make it to the drawer. No one will remember how great you were completing mundane tasks but they will remember how exhausted you look not enjoying life. So do you! Go out. Read that book. Take that class. Rest.

And now that you're resting what other lessons or advice have you received from men?

The floor is open.

Earlier today we posed the question "Tell us about a book that changed your life" via Twitter and Facebook. We received a diverse group of thoughtful responses. Here are each of the books that you all recommended.

These are affiliate links to Amazon.com. If you click a link to purchase a book, I will receive money. All money raised will be reinvested in the site so For Harriet can begin paying contributors and editorial staff.  - Kim the EIC

Many times as young adults we get stuck. We have graduated, may have the dream job, the

dream relationship, and the dream life. We are living our lives spending our times with friends

and getting to know ourselves yet we are unfulfilled. As young adults we are prone to having

lists/goals (which is definitely a good thing) we may check off.

- Social life

- Dating

- Family

- Professional

- Spiritual

- Health

We check these things yet we still wonder what is missing. “My life is full yet I still feel empty” we may complain to our friends and our family. When you are seeking something more than your friends, family, job, social groups, or church can offer look within yourself to find out what is missing. Here are a few things you can try to fill that emptiness in your life.

• Follow your passions/dreams. My passion has always been writing. I have been writing since I was a child. I have written short stories, poems, plays, and essays. I have been keeping a journal since I was 12 and I am now 27. My dream was to always become a writer and own a magazine and have a talk or radio show. I wanted to overall use my writings to change the world. (Yes, I wanted to be Oprah when I was in high school)

• Learn something new. You have gone as far as you wanted to go in your education yet you are still looking to learn something new. If you want to learn Spanish- go ahead. If you want to learn how to belly dance- go ahead. I always wanted to learn how to play the guitar (Thanks to India.Arie). Online classes are all over on the internet and you can choose those that interest you. Even if you just want to further your education by pursuing the doctorate degree or change it all together –go ahead.

• Meditate/Relax. Take some time our and really enjoy your freedom. You no longer have those papers to write. That study group to attend. I know when I was in graduate school I did not have time to think. I was always on the go; writing a paper, going to internship, going to work, trying to sleep. I enjoy this freedom I have now. I am able to catch up on all the sleep I did not get within those 3 years. I tend to spend my free time following my passion/dreams (see bullet #1), reading and listening to music. Whatever gets you in the zone- Do it.

• Change your look. Sometimes changing your look may be the problem solver. It will definitely put you outside your comfort zone and encourage you to stand boldly. In the spring of 2008, I chopped all my hair off and went natural. It was a liberating experience for me. I love my fro!! Maybe you do not want to do something that bold, so try a different hair color, piercing or tattoo. One of the things I have been working on is my weight (losing and staying fit).

•Volunteer. Sometimes we can have everything we want but the only thing missing is our presence in the community. We all have various interests and depending on your interest mentoring or tutoring may be for you. Perhaps you are an outdoors type and would love to coach a team. Even if you do not have time to devote every weekend or every week there are many opportunities where you can volunteer as your schedule will allow. For more information on activities in your area visit the Hands on Network website. Volunteering in the community is very dear to me. As a social worker, I always felt being a “social worker” was much more than going to work clocking in/ clocking out and working with your clients. It is a mindset of giving back to the community regardless of receiving a paycheck.

Travel. You can now visit the place you always wanted to go but never had the time. I know nowadays money may be the issue. If you collaborate with some of your friends you could find a cheap trip. Maybe you all can obtain fulfillment and rejuvenate your lives.


These are just some tips I suggest (and most I have tried) to help me fill the emptiness I had in my life. I can honestly say they have worked for me. What are some things you would add to the list? What have you tried that work or did not work? Speak on it!!

Opinionated, educated, motivated, and dedicated; Stacy Australia isn't afraid to say what she means and mean what she says. She strives to utilize her writings to make this world a little more enjoyable. Her writings are a little of her, a little of you, and a little of the world. Take this ride with her as she travels the road of the many writers before her. Reflect with her as she talks about love, relationships, family, pop-culture, spirituality, sex, and everything in between. Get to know this 20 something Southern Belle as she sips on her sweat tea mix with lemonade while jamming on her IPOD with a pen and paper on her lap. (www.naturalbloggingsofayoungsocialworker.blogspot.com) (http://twitter.com/StacyAustralia)

For Harriet believes dialogue is an essential component of strengthening bonds and building community, so we're beginning a new feature to connect For Harriet's incredible community of brilliant Black women.

Each week we'll be holding a tweet chat about a different subject that pertains to Black womanhood. This week's topic:

Do Black women spend so much time fighting other people's battles that we forget to fight for ourselves?

A famous passage for Zora Neale Hurston's Their Eyes Were Watching God reads:

Honey, de white man is de ruler of everything as fur as Ah been able tub find out. Maybe it's some place off in de ocean where de black man is in power, but we don't know nothin’ but we see. So de white man throw down de load and tell de nigger man tuh pick it up. He pick it up because he have to, but he don't tote it. He hand it to his womenfolks. De nigger woman is de mule uh de world so far as Ah can see.

We are the keepers of the community, but have we allowed our role as Black America's foundation to impede our own progress? Should we begin to compartmentalize our struggles? Would more focused efforts benefit Black women as a whole or are our struggles intertwined with those of Black men and other races?

This week's tweet chat will take place on Thursday, October 7 at 9PM EST

RSVP for this week's live tweetchat in the comments! Share your Twitter name, and you initial thoughts on the subject!

We'll be using the hashtag #FHchat, so if you see it be sure to join in! that we forget to fight for ourselves?

If I may speak candidly; it’s with a heavy heart and fragmented thoughts that I write this. But I also write this to encourage mothers, support mothers, and to remind myself that every cloud does have a silver lining. We are in a state of emergency. Our youth, the next generation are not equipped to lead. They are desperately crying out but those cries are going unheard and are manifesting in self-destructive behavior. It’s evident by the increase in high school dropout rates, gang violence, violence against peers and adults, teen pregnancy, substance abuse, suicide, and countless issues that seek to kill, steal, and destroy our most precious assets.

I pride myself in being a solution oriented person, realizing that playing the blame game serves only as a distraction. However let me be clear, I make no excuses for the fathers who abandon their children to leave the mothers to rear them independently. Nor do I make excuses for mothers who coddle their son’s to no end and perpetuate role reversals in which boys in essence become their partners/providers instead of their child in a distorted kind of way. (i.e. baby boys with little to no concept of work ethic or how to treat a lady). Tupac said it best. “Since we all came from a woman, got our name from a woman and our game from a woman, I wonder why we take from our women. Why we rape our women? Do we hate our women?  I think it’s time to kill for our women. Time to heal our women, be real to our women.” Our girls are seeking love from outside sources while exploiting their own bodies to gain acceptance. The world’s view of beauty is not what they see in the mirror and they become caught up in a pretentious, self-absorbed society.

I make no excuses for parents who leave children to raise themselves, or those who are not actively involved in their child’s success in school, or those who stand in agreement with foolishness, and more importantly those who fail to lead by example. And we know the world isn’t short on those.

Our youth are warring on two fronts, internally and externally. Internal in that they are trying to find their own identity as a person as well as coming to terms with their sexuality while finding their respective place in this world. The very thing Freud, Piaget, and Jung studied. External in that the voices of peer pressure are so deafening, that our youth are unable to hear the voice of reason, conscious, or that of those who instilled morals, values, and self-worth from early on.

Now that the issues befall us, we can’t sit idly by as parents, educators, care-givers, friends, family, and neighbors. There is hope. I applaud Michael Baisden and Susan Taylor’s efforts in recruiting mentors as well as those that we don’t hear about on a day to day basis. The truth of the matter is that the strong holds that face our youth don’t care what kind of car you drive, what your bank account looks like, if you are parenting singly, about your spiritual beliefs or educational background, or even what color you are. As community members we have to stand in the gap, be that voice of reason for another person’s child. Offer a swift word of correction. Children can’t do better if they don’t know any better. With mothers getting younger and younger, it’s like the blind leading the blind. We have to uplift that single mother, not be hand out but a hand up and save the judging for the Ultimate Being. For those that now say, “it’s not my problem.” It will be.

And for those that are in the race, do not grow weary in well doing. Our children need us.

Skyy Banks is an author and freelance writer who is a native of Arkansas and now calls Atlanta, GA her home. Banks enjoys reading, writing, and traveling. Banks uses her writing as a platform to encourage her readers to explore taboo subjects and engage in dialogue to find solutions. She is a self-motivated woman and knows the world is waiting for her greatness. "The only limits are the ones I place upon myself; I don't have any."