A Self Intervention: Making The Choice To Choose Me4/11/2011
I know we are still in April, but I am super excited about May. In May I will be celebrating three years of being single and celibate! Thi...
I know we are still in April, but I am super excited about May. In May I will be celebrating three years of being single and celibate! This is a huge milestone for a past serial monogamist. I recently had a conversation with my barber, and of course she and I were discussing men.
She was telling me about her men woes, and as usual I was nodding, listening, and throwing in some well timed "uh huhs." As the conversation progressed, I revealed to her that I have been single and celibate for almost three years. And as she was cutting my hair, she stopped, put the clippers down, put both of her hands on my shoulders, and said, "I feel so sorry for you!" I was not expecting that type of response. I was both tickled and shocked by the dramatics of it all.
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In a culture that makes its living profiting off of making Black women feel inadequate and less than if they're boo-less, I understand my choosing to be single and proclaiming my choice can be considered radical to some. It was not easy to choose me when my society tells me I am not worthy if I stand alone. The very reason I tarried in the relationship so long was because for the first time in forever I was going to be single and I was clueless!
I remember the episode in Sex and the City when Charlotte screams out, "I've been dating since I'm fifteen. I'm exhausted!" Granted I haven't been dating since I was 15, but the sentiment was still very much the same for me. I was tired. I had spent so much time trying to be everything that a man would want to take home to his mother that I had lost my own identity and no longer knew who I wanted to be for me.
I only knew myself within a unit and I didn't even recognize my reflection as an individual. I needed an intervention. I, Lutze, needed to intervene on the behalf of Lutze and save myself! I set out on a journey to re-create and reclaim my organic self. I realized that if I wanted the type of love and relationship that I desired that I needed to love myself fiercely and unconditionally!
I took myself out of the dating scene completely. I was "in repair" and I had my work cutout for me. I decided that I also needed to abstain from sex. Emotionally I was a mess, and I didn't think it would have been wise of me to engage sexually with anyone when my emotions and sense of self was in the toilet. I needed to take these drastic measures in order to find my happy.
As women we are constantly bombarded with messages that tell us we need to be fluent in man and that we need to learn the rules of the "dating game," but no one ever tells us or encourage us to stay out of the game sometimes and focus on our star player which is ourselves.
I turned all of my attention inward and found a love so incredible, so complete, and unconditional. The bitter sweet thing is that it was within me all along.
At one point, I was becoming a bag lady and although my bags were cute it was still baggage. There is power and saving grace in solitude. Happy and single are not mutually exclusive. I intervened on my behalf will you do the same for yourself?
Lutze Segu is a blogger who blogs on her site TheFeministGriote.com. She is 20-something-year-old who is passionate about pop-culture, politics, and all things related to women. A strong ally of the LGBTQIA community whose navigating this world armed with love & light all while balancing being a Haitian-American hybrid.