It happens at least once a day. Seemingly out of nowhere I’ll hear a frustrated former TV lover go on a tirade about the sad state of programming that features predominantly African American characters. These rants always contain references to the the moving affection of The Cosby Show, the social responsibility of A Different World, or the brash hilarity of Martin.

There’s really no rebuttal to these criticisms because they’re absolutely right. Nothing crafted for Black viewers today comes close to the quality we’ve witnessed in the past, yet African Americans are consistently deterred by other Black viewers from honestly critiquing representations of ourselves on television.

The reality is although cable brought more black and brown faces to scripted television series in the past year, most of the showings have been less than impressive. We watch every episode in droves hoping for the best and providing realtime reactions via social networking sites like Twitter. But when the show disappoints, we don’t hesitate to air our grievances.

However, if Twitter is any indication, there are a growing number of Bad Black TV Defenders (BBTVDs we’ll call them) telling those with the gall to have standards to shut up and be grateful for the few vaguely positive images we receive.

These series have yet to be able to find that perfect synergy of nuanced acting, compelling writing and skillful direction. That’s the truth, so why shouldn’t say it? Because the BBTVDs believe we’re still beholden to the idea that we have a duty to support every Black production. But they’re wrong.

We are consumers, and we deserve better.

We deserve more than the cinematic scraps that have been fed to us since the golden age of Black television and film in the 90s. We are not defeating ourselves by calling a spade a spade.

 A good sign you’re watching substandard Black television is when the positive comments are reduced to things like; “at least it’s not by Tyler Perry,” “it’s so nice to see Black actors working,” or “her shoes are really cute.”

Black audiences are so used to the deprivation that we’ll hold up things that really aren’t victories. Not only should we continue to be critical consumers, but we should be even more forceful in our evaluations. African Americans don’t have to just accept what’s tossed our way because we are valuable, and everyone knows it except us. The Game’s premiere this year was the highest rated sitcom broadcast on Cable ever. That’s huge.

That we should shut our mouths and be happy for what we’ve got seems like the ultimate concession to racist television executives that refuse to acknowledge our buying power and brand loyalty.

We give them numbers, but what do they give us?

Quite frankly, It’s heartening to see that we still have standards. Not every show is going to be iconic like The Wire or A Different World, but asking for a show on basic cable with a solid storyline and strong character development shouldn’t be looked upon as hypercritical.

I appreciate the creatives who fight for fair representation, but there is much work to do. Black women are looking for characters that challenge the stereotypical ideas of our womanhood, and even in shows that are created for us, that’s nowhere to be found.

After seeing the buoyant elegance of Clair Huxtable on screen for eight seasons, the outcry for a similar depiction is perfectly normal. For Black audiences television has regressed, and viewers are simply asking If we could do it in the height of the Reagan Administration why on earth can’t we do it now?

There are more than enough Black and brilliant actors, writers, directors, and producers in Hollywood. Perhaps they’re not given adequate resources for their projects or perhaps the talent that’s funded is subpar, but something has to change.

I was always taught most people will do as little as you’ll accept and no more. Well right now the arbiters of our images are doing the least, and our silence won’t help that.

Kimberly Foster is the Editor and Publisher of For Harriet. Email her at Kimberly@ForHarriet.com with comments or find her on Twitter.

How could argue that we do not live in a culture that glorifies and celebrates rape after viewing this commercial for Hornitos Tequila?

In the clip, a woman is seen leading a man she believes to be her significant other into a bedroom. But there's catch. The man she's about to sleep with isn't her boyfriend at all. It's his twin brother. Get it?

Yep.

And it's not nearly as hilarious as the tequila company seems to think. This is not a funny mix up. It's rape.



Let's be clear. The scenario presented here is absolutely rape. No, it's not forcible rape by a big (black or brown) man in an alley, but most rape isn't.

Not only is this a sickening wink and nod to the "boys will be boys" mindset that excuses sexual assault as a normal expression of masculinity, but put the ad in the context of a proposed GOP amendment that would have narrowed the scope of what legally constitutes rape and it's clear we're fighting against more poorly executed commercial.

Hornitos Tequila is owned by Beam Global Spirits and Wine. Many have already taken to voicing their disgust via the brand's Facebook page; however, you might call and email Matt Stanton Beam Global Spirits Vice President of Corporate Affairs directly to get the ad pulled.


Matt Stanton
Vice President, Corporate Affairs
202-962-0551
marketingqueries@beamglobal.com

Not sure what to write? Check out these thoughtful open letters on the matter.

When a group of English school girls asked Michelle Obama if she always knew her husband would become president, she provided some insight on the best way to choose a partner.

I knew he was a special person. And it had nothing to do with his education. It had nothing to do with his potential. And I say this to young women: Don't check off—there are a lot of women who have the boxes. Did he go to the right school? What is his income?"It was none of that. It was how he felt about his mother; the love that he felt for his mother; his relationship to women; his work ethic ... he wasn't impressed with himself. And he was funny. And we joked a lot. And he loved his little sister ... he was a community organizer. I really respected that.

Funny how Mrs. Obama's advice is just about the same thing we hear from the "lower your standards crew" (Steve Harvey, Jimi Izrael et al.), but somehow it's much more palatable coming from the First Lady.

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Every Black woman can tell a story about the damage white supremacy has done to her self-image; however, certain members of our community feel that alienation far more acutely. A new documentary Dark Skin Girls takes a closer look at the discrimination these women face with first hand accounts.

This 10 minute clip features several interviews as well as a little girl participating in the infamous doll test.

I can't wait to see this. Let's embrace any opportunity provided to Black women to voice their pain. The damage the white beauty ideal has done to the souls and spirits is immeasurable. Hopefully, this will bring us all a little bit closer to a place of healing and understanding.

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Tell us about the point you came to fully embrace your beauty. If you're not quite there we'd like to hear about that journey too. One commenter will win a product of their choice from Enso Naturals, so please specify which product you'd like to try in your comment. Check out Enso Naturals on Facebook.

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In recent months, the public has been bombarded with messages demonizing the choices African American women make about their bodies. These attacks are not new, of course, but many have taken notice of their increased visibility. From commercials on BET to Billboards in New York City, Anti-Abortion groups have crafted slick campaigns which characterize our wombs as "dangerous" and our children as an "endangered species."

A new study from the Guttmacher Institute has released a study that show the number of abortions performed on African American women has decreased by 18% between 2000 and 2008. These findings are in direct opposition to the myth of Black womens' errant sexuality and willful irresponsibility.  [U.S. Abortion Rate Drops, Except Among Poorest Women]

Will these new findings stop the racist anti-abortion campaigns against Black women?

I want a pair of Loubies. AKA a pair of red bottoms. AKA a pair of shoes by designer Christian Louboutin, if you happened to be somewhere living comfortably under a rock. #imnotjudging. He can be equated to this decade's Manolo Blahnik. A pair of coveted Loubies are hard to come by if you're working class like myself, and living on your own in New York. Still and all, with all of those obstacles to consider, there are those ladies who have made it their business to acquire a pair of the hot shoes of the moment.

I don't envy those ladies. I respect them. I'm not talking women who sleep around for trinkets and gifts. Some might not even go that far but to even open up your mouth and ask someone for something that you can't afford yourself, rather than working hard to get it is not something I endorse. But a sister who's worked hard to be able to afford to treat herself and know she's worked hard for it, now that I can get with. Usually, if I see someone rocking them, and rocking them right, I have no problem saying, "Girl, you killin' them shoes", or something to that effect.

I saw a girl walking on the street a few days ago, and she had on some fly thigh high boots. I told her as much. She thanked me but I couldn't tell if she was being dry, or if she was genuinely stunned I'd paid her a compliment. It's sad that it's more surprising for another woman to compliment you, then it is for them to be sizing you up for something to use against you. Obviously it says more about the hater than the person who's being appraised, but I always wonder, are we that hard pressed for approval that we can't openly applaud someone when they've done something worth acknowledging?

Granted the examples provided before were of material things, but it's usually the material and superficial things that divide us. That we compete for. I would be happy to hear women saying, "Oh that b*tch, got a doctorate, I can get one too". And really do it. Maybe that wouldn't be as progressive as is sdesirable, but it'd be going a lot further than competing to have the newest designer jeans, cars, and whatever else people hold in high value. We all want to have nice things, but at times the way we prioritize them can be a tad messed up. There's nothing wrong with a little healthy competition, but we should always want our competition to be above par because that'll keep us ahead of the game. No? I'd rather be motivated by someone's success and accomplishments rather than envy them.

A male friend of mine told me the other day that I'm one of the few women that he hears constantly compliment other women. It made me even think about some of the women that I know. I've been out before with a group of girls. Obviously, we're all dressed to the nines 'cause we're out on the town. It's so second nature for me to let someone know that their attempt at fabness, was executed that I rarely pay attention to its reciprocation. Looking back, I don't think I've gotten nearly as many "You toos!". It could be that I just wasn't killin' 'em how I thought I was. Or maybe they just weren't used to another girl giving them an atta girl, so they weren't compelled to do the same.

Empowering and biggin' each other up should be something that women should want to do. If for nothing else, but relatability. Every woman knows what it's like to get up in the morning and fuss over what to wear. Do I wear the skinny jeans or the bootcuts? The thigh highs or the ankle boots? The Aviators or The Jackie O's? When we finally put together what we deem suitable to be representative of ourselves, consciously or subconsciously, we hope it will be well received. Male attention feels good most definitely, but since it's doled out so generously it often becomes hard to determine its sincerity. When a woman compliments another, she has nothing to gain, so the authenticity of it is highly likely. It takes a mere second to let a fellow sister know, she done good. We should all try it more often.

Do you compliment other women? Do you find that other women compliment you often?

Onedia White aka Miss White is a twenty-something writer from Brooklyn, NY. She is the founder of the blog, mynameismisswhite.blogspot.com, where she focuses on every day issues including love, friends, life's experiences in general, and the lessons to be learned from them. She aims to not only bring awareness, and a sense of inclusiveness to issues but also to uplift readers and assure them that they aren't the only ones weathering a particular storm.

“Love makes your soul crawl out from its hiding place.” -Zora Neale Hurston

“What are we doing or where is this going?” That is the famous line that most of us women have asked at least once in our life to a man that we were dating. Some of us ask this question sooner than later because we claim we know what we want. However, I think this question is best asked after you have established a strong relationship with someone (i.e. more than two dates).

It’s natural to want to define your relationship with someone, but experience has shown me that we should also value the process of getting to know someone. This will lead to a more committed relationship. I’ve always been fascinated with the dynamics of love and commitment and this journey is often reflected in my own life and artistic projects. One of our most poignant films we produced that address the ultimate relationship question is, The Tragedy of Her.

Before I discuss the film, I want to address briefly when it is appropriate to ask this question. Lately, I have been hearing from men and women that this question is brought up very quickly in the dating game. When you bring this question up with someone that you do not know well, this question can be intimidating and is not coming from a place of love but from fear.

Asking questions from fear instead of love, will not get the response you may want from that person. I have two brothers that are single and often we they begin dating a woman, she brings this question up, “what are we doing here?” and their response is usually a confused one. It goes something like this: I’m just trying to get to know this woman, why is she trying to pressure me into a relationship?” I think that is a fair question to ask when you truly do not know the person you are dating. That is why you’re dating-to get to know someone. However, many single women that I know want to skip the formalities of dating and they want to go straight to the serious stuff.

Ladies, it’s good to know what you want but take your time in getting to know your mate. It’s worth it. When you wait, you are able to have a bigger impact with this question. This is where we meet the characters, “woman” and “man” in The Tragedy of Her.

In the film, The Tragedy of Her, which will screen next week online there are two main characters (woman and man) that tackle the challenges of commitment in a an undefined relationship. The Tragedy of Her, challenges us to think about how many days, weeks, months, and years are we to spend together before we define what it is that we have together?

In the film, Nedra McClyde who plays woman and Cornelius Smith Jr., man played by Soap Opera (All My Children) star, enjoy spending time together. They clearly have been together for more than just a few months. In fact, it’s been almost two years. They feel comfortable with another. They speak without words. They are in love. We watch their most intimate moments on screen and we can’t help but smile as you see their interaction. Seeing their intimacy allows us to but think about our own significant other (past, present, or future).

When we first screened this film in New York City, I was amazed by the flutter of nervous but knowing laughter that scattered across the room as Nedra’s character asks this question, “what are we doing? What are we?” and Cornelius’ character tries to avoid it by saying, “why do we have to put a label on it. Let’s just let it be”. Whenever, I see the film I reflect on the fact of why is it left up to the woman to bring this question up the majority of the time? Maybe because this question makes us feel so vulnerable, so raw and it’s acceptable for women to be viewed in a vulnerable way but men get a pass? Whether you are a man or a woman, when you are truly in love, your emotions usually come from a honest and sacred place.

Later in the film, the couple is faced with dealing with an illness and we realize that if you truly love someone or care deeply for them, you owe to yourself and to the other person to tell them how you truly feel. Be honest enough to define what it is that you have. You can decide what your relationship is together, instead of making assumptions. Have the courage to tell someone how you really feel because no day is promised. We shouldn’t have to wait for a tragedy for us to realize how much someone means to us.

I would love to hear your comments or reflections on this topic and/or the film, The Tragedy of Her.

The Tragedy of Her will screen for free next Wed. 5/25 at 8pm (est)

Dr. Shondrika Moss-Bouldin is the proud co-founder of Soulploitation Creative Works (visual and performing arts production company) and Dramatic Dynamics, LLC (corporate training). She is currently producing the film, Color the Night starring Keenyah Hill (America’s Next Top Model finalist). For further information visit here. 

Today, we once again have what Betty Friedan famously called "a problem with no name." Millions of young women -- the girl power generation -- have been told that they can do or be anything, yet they also believe their most important task is to be slim, "hot," and non-threatening to men. Once they get out in the work force, though, they learn that there still is pay discrimination, inflexible work places, women slotted into low paying, dead end jobs more often than men and a glass ceiling in so many lines of work.

At the same time, these young women get the message loud and clear that the absolute last thing they should embrace is feminism. Indeed, as one reviews the media landscape of the past 15 years, one is struck by how effectively feminism -- a social movement that has done so much for women, and for men, for that matter -- has been so vilified in the media that many young women regard it as the ideological equivalent of anthrax. I wanted to trace how that happened, and to pinpoint what it is that remains unspoken but that is still bothering so many of us, to give a name to what's coursing through our popular culture, this message that you can be or do anything you want, as long as you conform to pretty confining ideals around femininity, and don't want too much. The name I chose is "Enlightened Sexism" -- a term I adapted from Sut Jhally's and Justin Lewis's "enlightened racism." It is a new, subtle, sneaky form of sexism that seems to accept -- even celebrate -- female achievements on the surface, but is really about repudiating feminism and keeping women, especially young women, in their place.

After reviewing the media fare geared to girls and women since the early 1990s, I came to see a rather large gap between how the vast majority of girls and women live their lives, the choices they are forced to make, and what we see -- and don't see -- in the media. Ironically, it is just the opposite of the gap we saw in the 1950s and '60s, when images of women as dancing bimbettes-on-the-beach or stay-at-home housewives who needed advice from Mr. Clean about how to wash a floor effaced the exploding number of women (including mothers) entering the workforce, joining the Peace Corps and becoming involved in politics. Then the media illusion was that girls' and women's aspirations weren't changing at all when they were. Now the media illusion is that equality for girls and women is an accomplished fact when it isn't. Then the media were behind the curve; now, ironically, they're ahead.

Continue Reading at On The Issues Magazine

Facebook COO Sheryl Sandberg delivered this year's commencement address to the women of Barnard College (read the full text here). In here speech, Sandberg laments the sparse representation of women in the highest rungs of government, business, and higher education.

I truly believe that only when we get real equality in our governments, in our businesses, in our companies and our universities, will we start to solve this generation’s central moral problem, which is gender equality

What's to blame for the near lockout of women at the top? She does not pin the blame on the patriarchy that roots our society. Instead she points to a lack of ambition of her female peers. She says they blew it.

Studies show very clearly that in our country, in the college-educated part of the population, men are more ambitious than women. They’re more ambitious the day they graduate from college; they remain more ambitious every step along their career path. We will never close the achievement gap until we close the ambition gap.

Though her points may be valid, these statements could easily be construed to justify the invisibility of women in leadership positions.

Are women less ambitious than men? Do we just want different things? Share your thoughts!

In the Black community, there is no one more sacred than mama. And with good reason. Most of our mothers are superwomen: making a way out of no way, sacrificing their dreams for ours, playing the role of mother and father with little support. They deserve our praise, but this exaltation comes with a heavy burden for some daughters. There is an expectation in the black community that mothers and daughters should be the best of friends. But this simply isn't the case for many of us. In fact, some of us stifle our needs as daughters in order to maintain the appearance of being BFFs with our moms.

Related: Not All Mothers are Worthy of Praise

What we, and the Black community, need to understand is that we can have healthy mother-daughter relationships that aren't friendships. Some of us have nothing in common with our mothers. Some of us have mothers who are loving, beautiful people, but who are nursing wounds so deep that they create chasms in their relationships with us. Would you be best friends with someone who you didn't share common interests with, or who wasn't supportive of you?  Of course not. Yet many of us try to force ourselves into that role with our mothers.



This situation is aggravated by the fact that many of our moms are single, and don't operate in a social circle that fills their need for companionship. So the burden is placed on us. It's an impossible mission because as daughters, we can never fill the voids in our mothers' hearts, especially when we are stifling our own needs in favor of theirs. We have our own lives to build, our own waters to navigate. In many ways, those waters are treacherous in ways that they weren't for our mothers; we can lean on them for support, but they may not have guidance to offer.

The result is that many of us are emotionally armed in the presence of our mothers. Not wanting to appear as anything less than the perfect companion, we brace ourselves for the inevitable reminder of our failure to do so. This undue burden actually makes the relationship unhealthy, since both parties aren't being honest about who they are and what they can do for one another.

This shouldn't come off as an indictment of our mothers; our entire community has created this myth, and it takes all of us to shatter it. The Black community needs to understand that we can have healthy relationships with our mothers without being best friends. We need to foster stronger relationships within the community, especially among women, so that our mothers receive the kind of support that they need.

Our mothers have to stop relying on us to fill that void, and be more active about healing their emotional wounds and finding fulfillment in their own lives. And we need to stop putting pressure on ourselves and one another. We are daughters. We owe it to our mothers to be honest with them. We owe it to them to be grateful for all that they have given us, and to not live cloaked in a veil of resentment because of an unbearable burden.

Photo Credit: Shutterstock
Reva writes semi-professionally and semi-therapeutically. She blogs at sunsetchasingsunsets.blogspot.com, and she’s @sunsetsarefree on Twitter.

“He’s not one for crowds and stuff like that, you know, all the pressure,” said my friend. She has mentioned her mystery man at the oddest times. Maybe she is attempting to reassure herself that she is truly happy by affirming it out loud. In fact there has not been a happy couple photo or public outing of importance to date. The general consensus is our friend is sexually satisfied. Somehow this has translated into a euphoric peace about all things in her life.

Now enters the reoccurring critical mistake, the “circle of friends” and family has never met her new man. He is another faceless name with vague references, who takes up way too much of her time and energy. The end result is always the same. There is no reciprocation on his part and the relationship fizzles-out sans the fanfare.

The practice of allowing important family and trusted friends to meet your major steady or potential mate is critical. However, ladies who take this to the extreme run into issues. They introduce their dates or bed partners to children and others who then become accustomed to a parade of forgettable characters. The men I am referring to hereafter, are the ones you have deemed worthy of not only claiming, but to proclaim.

Recognize that a good test drive, viewing, or analysis is a must before most major purchases and investments. For those who argue that your family and friends are not in your relationship, your argument is duly noted. But, if you are a person who enjoys a good amount of quality time with your trusted group, problems will ensue.

Should adults allow parents or friends to live out their dreams or worse, impart their fears on our relationships? No, but acknowledge that the people who know you best, will recognize that which complements you, as well as what does not belong. Your past relationship behavior, tells a great deal about your current situation. The group has been there each step of the way, hopefully, providing solid support.

If you are dating or dealing with someone who you are too ashamed to bring around your group, ask yourself why. If any of the answers hinge on what your loved ones deem is good for you, ask yourself if you are selling your own self short. If your guy refuses to meet people, think about whether or not you are willing to accept an “undercover” relationship and the drama or emotional toll it entails.

It is not easy to see the fatal flaws in a love interest. It is akin to a doting mother seeing her son as a fallible man instead of a saint. Sure, it happens, but the examples are rare. The delicate balance of a barbecue or birthday get-together, rides on the co-existence of family, friends, and your significant other.

Child-rearing, house-hunting, job loss, career moves, etc., affect any close-knit unit. Nonetheless, there is always a reason to celebrate. Do you want to put yourself in the position of isolation from loved ones? Do you relish the duty of breaking up tension and disagreements? The time you will spend diffusing difficult situations could have been used for laughing, building relationships and enjoying company.

On a recent episode of Basketball Wives, one of the characters invited her “made for TV girlfriends” to meet her professional ballplayer boyfriend. It was an important step. In the beginning the women asked highly inappropriate questions and made it clear that they were evaluating her beau. They wanted to observe interaction and give their “blessing” for the relationship. Later, they berated an unwelcome ex-member of the group. The afternoon ended with a walk-out and the friends splitting into two camps.

Clearly a vetting process of family and friends is necessary whether or not you have a love interest or not. If you have not already, you need to decide who has your best interest at in mind and who does not. Too often we give multiple chances to people who consistently show us they have no regard for our feelings or well-being. Sometimes the culprits are family members. No matter the title, if they cause more pain than wellness, do not introduce them to your new friend and limit your interaction.

Tragedies, miscommunication, and others mishaps will occur in life. The better everyone is able to “get along” and successfully communicate, the better the reaction time and help in a bad situation. I learned the hard way that the delicate balance of relationships is better when your man and your “crew” comfortably interact with each other. It is NOT enough just to be in the same room. This may be a sign of weariness, unease, secrets, and perhaps serious issues.

Appreciate both your love interest as well as your support team. I am not implying that your man needs to be best friends with or uncomfortably too close to your family and friends. However, he does need to posses the ability to sincerely make the most of the time through solid interaction. It is up to you as the link between the two worlds to foster the growth of that association. Your relationship health will be strong if your “community of trust”, stands with you in agreement.

Keisha McLean has always had a passion for words and writing. Her love for God, community, music and youth can be attributed to the women in her upbringing. She enjoys singing and listening to a broad variety of music. Keisha admits she spends a bit too much time on social media networks and blogging. However, she stays grounded by facilitating life skills workshops for teenagers. You can find Keisha on Twitter as @KJayTruth or on her blog http://thejoyoftruth.blogspot.com

From Black and Married With Kids

According to a recent Match.com poll, 50% of women say it would be okay for their date to pay with a coupon. I consider myself somewhat financially literate, but I still would never in a million years whip out a coupon on a date. But hey, that’s just me.

I have to ask you ladies, if your husband pulled out a coupon on your first date, would you still have married him? Many sisters would view using a coupon as a savvy financial move, a hint that their man was knowledgeable about money.

Others, I’m sure, would consider it a cheapskate play. A man who valued their company so little as not to feel the need to pay the full “retail” price for the experience, might not get a second chance.

Now, I know on first glance this may sound like a silly question – should you use coupons on a date? – but it’s just one of many subtle signals that we all give off while courting the objects of our affection. And perhaps it’s these signals that could predict future financial bliss or disaster in marriage.

Read more here

I’ve got a few confessions to make. When it comes to hair I’ve got issues, just not the ones you’re used to reading about. You see, I’ve got what black folks call ‘good hair.’ That is, hair that forms into perfect little spiral curls when wet. Hair that straightens easily, doesn’t need any ‘ethnic’ hair care products or require hours of wrangling to look ‘presentable.’ (By which I mean acceptable to mainstream American society.) I’ve never had to sit for hours in a black hair salon while my hair is being relaxed. I’ve never worn a weave. And, until recently, I was pretty ashamed to admit it.

For most of my life I have HATED to hear the term ‘good hair’ used when describing me.
Let me tell you why.

RELATED: Black Like Me: When Being "Lightskinned" Isn't A Privilege

I didn’t pay much attention to my hair as a child, my mom, also a black American, has straight hair inherited from her Native American ancestors. She didn’t make a big deal about hair, and I didn’t either. That is, until I was about ten years old when we moved to my mom’s hometown. It was at that age that I discovered there was something unusual about my hair. The other black girls in school (my previous school didn’t have any black girls) commented on my hair texture, calling it ‘good hair.’ And they flocked to me. I was relieved. They liked me. Sort of.

They wanted to play with it during recess, taking turns braiding and twisting, or just brushing it. I sat still and let them do it, happy to be making friends in my new town, not really caring that the thing that made me so many ‘friends’ was also the thing that made me different. We all know that at a certain age being the odd girl out doesn’t make you popular, it makes you a target.

At around twelve years old things started to change. The girls no longer wore braids and pigtails & when I looked around I was the only one without a chemical relaxer (perm.) I asked my mom for one. She said no. They weren’t for my hair type. I should be happy. I had ‘good hair.’ Case closed.

Except, for a teenaged girl fitting in is priority number one. And I was the only girl in school who didn’t have a perm. I felt left out. I couldn’t relate to the long conversations about hair care the girls seemed to have in the bathroom. Instead of clamoring to play in my hair, like when we were younger, I got the side eye whenever I tried to contribute to the conversation. My opinion didn’t matter, which meant I didn’t matter. It was awful.

I gave myself a perm just as soon as I could, it didn’t seem to do much, but at least I had one so I could relate. I was part of the group. Right. Right?

Turns out that it would take more than a five dollar relaxer kit to erase the black cloud of ‘good hair’ hanging over my head.

I never got the hang of going days without washing my hair, it itched. I was ‘tender headed’ (slang for I wasn’t accustomed to the torturous pain most black women regularly endure when getting their hair done) so a weave never happened for me. And sleeping with a scarf wrapped tightly around my head was impossible (I still don’t understand how people do that.)

Still, I faithfully relaxed my hair every three (okay six) months. Making sure another black girl was with me when I went to the drugstore (just in case I needed a witness). I was resigned to this show for the rest of my life, that is until I moved south and discovered the Natural Hair Movement.

Say what!?! I don’t have to go through the rigmarole of perming my hair and I still get to be like all of the other black girls. I nearly had a stroke! I shaved my head and proudly declared that I’d done the Big Chop (BC). Uh huh, in for a penny in for a pound I always say. I was committed. Finally I fit in with the cool girls. I read the blogs, posted on the message boards, tried the strange bathroom concoctions. Thinking I had it made. Now they’ll accept me. Hurray for conformity!

Except, it turns out, it wasn’t that easy. I still get side eyes from many natural haired ladies. My feelings still get hurt when my opinion is brushed away with a ‘but you’ve got good hair.’ But wait, isn’t the natural hair movement all about accepting ourselves for who we are? This isn’t fair!

I’ve slowly realized that it’s really about ME accepting myself. No one else can do it for me. So fine, on the eve of my 28th birthday I’ve decided to do to ‘good hair’ what many have done to ‘nappy hair.’ Embrace it. Love it. If it makes me different so what, there’s beauty in diversity.

Ani Lacy is a single stay at home mom who blogs at simplesinglemom.blogspot.com

Last weekend I met up with some close girlfriends for dinner. As usual, we discussed a variety of current events that sparked our interest. Eventually the case of the 11 year old gang raped girl from Texas came up. It's a case that I had been following, but one that I could never quite lead myself to write/talk about too much. Much like the case of the teen girl in Richmond, California, I found myself getting angry and tormented just by the thought of it. The act itself is horrendous, however, there is another issue in these cases that bothers me: victim blaming.

Numerous articles have been written about this young girl, and most have been plastered with questions and comments like "she dressed old for her age", "she hung out with teenage boys", "where were her parents?" etc. Some are reasonable questions, but lets get one thing clear here, rape is WRONG, no matter how you slice it. Whether this young girl supposedly played a part in these sexual activities or not, there is one thing that remains true: she was raped. How? Well, I'm glad you asked. There is aggressive sexual assault, and then there is a little legal term called statutory rape. For those who may not be privy to the definition (or don't have access to Google), statutory rape is when an adult participates in sexual activities with a partner who is below the age of consent.

Many of the young men involved in this case were over the age of 18. Whether the girl willingly opened her legs or not, the minute they decided to have sex with an 11 year old, they committed a rape. I'm sure the notion that she "lured/tempted" them has been proposed, and I'm also sure that whoever proposed it is an idiot. We have to stop perpetuating this notion that men are these sex crazed barbarians that are only ruled by their penis. Not only is it a dangerous pathology, but it undermines the intelligence and humanity of our men. They are not savages. They are human beings with a mind and sound consciousness (well...some of them). An 11 year old cannot make responsible decisions about Pokemon cards (do kids still play with those?), let alone sex. Those young men could have very well had sex with a woman, but they chose a child. That's a choice they will have to pay for and live with. And the 11 year old, whether she willingly participated or not, will be paying for and living with her choice for the rest of her life as well.

The question was raised at dinner "if she is innocent, why would she go back to these different men on several occasions?". That, I do not have an answer for. But regardless of the answer, it doesn't not negate the fact that she was raped. Kudos to people who were wise beyond their years at 11 years old. I'm not so sure what my train of thought was as a child, but I know that even as an adult I make some really really unwise choices. We've all done it. Why does an abused woman stay with a man that beats her? Why would someone still love a family member that molested them as a child? Why would you have unprotected sex with someone knowing the risks that are involved? Why would you constantly spend your money on frivolous things, but then complain about being broke? Why would you keep eating highly fattening foods if you claim you want to lose weight?

There are many surface level answers that can be given to these questions, but perhaps the best option would be to get to the root of a situation. Maybe rather than questioning a child's innocence, we should question the psychology behind what would prompt her to feel the need to respond to the text messages and advances of these men to begin with. Maybe we should play more active roles in the lives of young people and teach girls to value their bodies more, and teach boys that they should make more responsible sexual choices. Maybe before we finger point and start blaming, we should take the time to understand other human begins. Maybe when we think about it, we'll realize that we're only one step away from an unwise life altering decision. So maybe...just maybe, in that case, we should start with ourselves.

Kenya D. Morris is a communications professional that hails from Los Angeles, California and currently resides of Washington DC. As a self-proclaimed “life enthusiast”, she prides herself in learning, exploring, and taking advantage of new opportunities daily. When she isn’t busy writing poetry, performing in dramatic productions, doing make up, or focusing on women’s outreach, you can probably find her screaming at her TV over a Lakers or Cowboys game, eating dessert, people watching, or tweeting her life away. More info can be found at www.kenyad.com.

I've been anxiously awaiting the response to the Carol's Daughter fiasco from What About Our Daughters founder Gina McCauley, but her annual blogcation made a takedown seem unlikely. Gina's proven herself to be a fierce warrior for Black women, and she over-delivered as per usual.

She writes:

Generally speaking most brands that create products for a specific demographic, don't go out of their way to say that their customers are unimportant, unwanted, or obsolete. They may think it, but they will never build a marketing campaign around it.

Behold Carol's Daughter, a company that built itself targeting Black women's beauty and their desire to throw their Black women customers under the bus by declaring that Black women are no longer important and no longer exist.

I never should have doubted her. She goes on to effortlessly dissect the ad's apparent flaws.

It's still difficult to understand how such a tone deaf campaign emanated from a marketing "genius" like Steve Stoute or a visionary like Lisa Price. But the move is ultimately unsurprising. Black women underestimate our value because we are told we are worthless, but how long would Carol's Daughter last without the dollars of us non-exotic beauties?

-Kimberly Foster

Carol's Daughter HATES Black women- Why no Self-Respecting Black Woman Should EVER Purchase Carol's Daughter Products EVER! [What About Our Daughters]

Yes, I know domestic violence. Sure, I’m not the type of woman you’d think would have been exposed to domestic violence. But I have. More than once. I’m ashamed at how easily I became a statistic. I am one in four women that has experienced domestic violence. I blame it partially on the type of men I choose.


Absolute responsibility for your actions lies with you, the individual. So matter how slick my mouth is, no matter how much I seem to provoke him, no man has the right to put their hands on me. On you. Conversely, women don’t have the right to put their hands on men. We’re all adults. Let’s act as such. Some friends are shocked to learn that it has happened to me, but then again, it isn’t something that I broadcast.


Until now. I’ve let opportunities to talk about this subject go by, but no more.


A violent man will show himself. It came early in one relationship and late in another. But in neither instance did I have the strength to end it. My relationships ended because one of us left the area – not because I was courageous enough to stop the violence being committed against me.


Often these relationships start out so sweet. Will* was a great teddy bear, quiet, introspective, but he’d seen a lot in his life. He was the protector I sought at the time. I felt safe with him when we were out. He never had to flex his muscle with me or anyone else, it was apparent. They always say they don’t want to be violent. So they show it in other ways. Controlling behavior, jealousy outwardly expressed – “ strong-arming” you, derogatory speech. You start to wonder where your boo went.


I’m not making excuses for anyone, but I have a smart mouth and a sharp tongue. Often I forget that I’m talking to someone that I care about when I lash out. And one night in Will’s apartment, I did say something flippant. He crossed the living room floor faster than normal and pinned me to the wall, grabbing my neck, my head bouncing against the wall. It was a tense moment with few threatening words. He composed himself and pulled away. I, shocked, remained against the wall in fear and my own anger. To this day, I wonder why I didn’t run out of his apartment immediately.


Over time and with other experiences I began to understand how women would be drawn and even loyal to their abusers. Maybe it’s the nurturing spirit in women. Maybe it’s a hope that this will never happen again. But it does happen again. And “we” don’t leave. I remained in a relationship with Will for a few months before his luck ran out and he left the area.


I guess I considered that a minor offense. Our time came to an end, I didn’t experience any more violence with him. That would come later in another relationship. This violence came rather quickly from someone who demonstrated a serious temper. *Chico always said it was me who instigated it or pushed him to these violent outbursts. And he never thought he had done anything wrong. And he was convincing.


He was/is (I take it these aren’t traits you let go off quickly) possessive and fiercely violent. Arguments started in public places and violence came in the shadows of crowded streets, in his apartment, and in mine. Between these occurrences, I told myself that I would leave. But I couldn’t. I read somewhere that it takes up to 50 attempts to leave an abusive partner. I can believe it. But imagine the toll that it takes. I had convinced myself (with his help of course) that he loved me, and that it was sometimes my fault. And that I should hold my tongue and not be so slick with him to not provoke that behavior.


The last time it happened, I was bold enough to be physical back with him. I emerged unscathed, empowered in a bold frenzy. But I recognized how foolish I had been and how disrespectful and uncaring my “lover” was. This behavior could not continue. His. Nor mine. I had to start choosing something different. Someone different. At our last incident, Chico disappeared into the night and I changed my phone number when I moved. That didn’t stop him from contacting me via email. I had to filter his address to get some peace.


That’s my domestic violence story. A few instances, not the pattern that afflicts between 600,000 and 6 million women each year. No I didn’t report them to the police. It was my cross to bear. And from the day that Chico pinned me down in my apartment, choking me, and then flinging books across the room at me and through a window, I pledged to myself that I would never allow myself to be with someone who expressed themselves this way nor would I be physically violent with a mate. We should all learn to act from a place of love. And if you’re angry, leave. But the last thing you should do is put your hands on someone. That’s not love.


I guess the whole point of this piece was to show you that anybody could be facing domestic violence, because I know I never thought that it would happen to me, or that I would continue in relationships with men that had the potential to be abusive. I’m a lady, and I deserve to be treated as such. Any man that would put his hands on me doesn’t value me. I’ll be more discerning in my choices of mates going forward, looking for traits early on that forecast danger.


*Will is not actually “Will” and *Chico isn’t “Chico”, but names have been changed to protect privacy, mine.





Najeema Davis Washington is an entrepreneur, pop culture writer, public speaker and blogger at HeLLinAHandbag.me. She is a social media enthusiast and networking practitioner focused on making professional and social connections for urban professionals.