Via Huffington Post - I went to a dinner party at a friend's home last weekend, and met her five-year-old daughter for the first time.

Little Maya was all curly brown hair, doe-like dark eyes, and adorable in her shiny pink nightgown. I wanted to squeal, "Maya, you're so cute! Look at you! Turn around and model that pretty ruffled gown, you gorgeous thing!"

But I didn't. I squelched myself. As I always bite my tongue when I meet little girls, restraining myself from my first impulse, which is to tell them how darn cute/ pretty/ beautiful/ well-dressed/ well-manicured/ well-coiffed they are.

What's wrong with that? It's our culture's standard talking-to-little-girls icebreaker, isn't it? And why not give them a sincere compliment to boost their self-esteem? Because they are so darling I just want to burst when I meet them, honestly.

Hold that thought for just a moment.

This week ABC news reported that nearly half of all three- to six-year-old girls worry about being fat. In my book, Think: Straight Talk for Women to Stay Smart in a Dumbed-Down World, I reveal that fifteen to eighteen percent of girls under twelve now wear mascara, eyeliner and lipstick regularly; eating disorders are up and self-esteem is down; and twenty-five percent of young American women would rather win America's Next Top Model than the Nobel Peace Prize. Even bright, successful college women say they'd rather be hot than smart. A Miami mom just died from cosmetic surgery, leaving behind two teenagers. This keeps happening, and it breaks my heart.

Teaching girls that their appearance is the first thing you notice tells them that looks are more important than anything. It sets them up for dieting at age 5 and foundation at age 11 and boob jobs at 17 and Botox at 23. As our cultural imperative for girls to be hot 24/7 has become the new normal, American women have become increasingly unhappy. What's missing? A life of meaning, a life of ideas and reading books and being valued for our thoughts and accomplishments.

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“Can I get some?” the teenage boy shouted. He must have noticed my confusion because he followed it up with, “I saw you feeding your baby in the center of the mall.” I smiled from embarrassment and tried to hold my head high even though forty of my newest friends were staring back at me. I continued to push the stroller while I searched for the nearest exit that would take me away from the prying eyes at the food court of my local mall.

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1. What questions should I be asking myself?
At first I thought asking yourself what you should be asking yourself was redundant. It isn't. Without this question, you wouldn't ask any others, so it gets top billing. It creates an alert, thoughtful mind state, ideal for ferreting out the information you most need in every situation. Ask it frequently.

2. Is this what I want to be doing?
This very moment is, always, the only moment in which you can make changes. Knowing which changes are best for you comes, always, from assessing what you feel. Ask yourself many times every day if you like what you're doing. If the answer is no, start noticing what you'd prefer. Thus begins the revolution.

3. Why worry?
These two words, considered sincerely, can radically reconfigure the landscape of your mind. Worry rarely leads to positive action; it's just painful, useless fear about hypothetical events, which scuttles happiness rather than ensuring it. Some psychologists say that by focusing on gratitude, we can shut down the part of the brain that worries. It actually works!

4. Why do I like {cupcakes} more than I like {people}?
Feel free to switch out the words in brackets: You may like TV more than exercise, or bad boys more than nice guys, or burglary more than reading. Whatever the particulars, every woman has something she likes more than the somethings she's supposed to like. But forcing "virtues"—trying to like people more than cupcakes—drives us to vices that offer false freedom from oppression. Stop trying to like the things you don't like, and many vices will disappear on their own.

5. How do I want the world to be different because I lived in it?
Your existence is already a factor in world history—now, what sort of factor do you want it to be? Maybe you know you're here to create worldwide prosperity, a beautiful family, or one really excellent bagel. If your impressions are more vague, keep asking this question. Eventually you'll glimpse clearer outlines of your destiny. Live by design, not by accident.

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While studying public relations in graduate school, one of the key themes we discussed in a core course was agenda-setting, which is the media’s ability, and some would say, responsibility to set the agenda, or tell the ignorant and uninformed what’s important. Out of all the many days I doodled my name in my spiral notebook, or practiced sleeping with my eyes open, it was during our few weeks spent on agenda-setting that I paid the most attention.

We were fresh off Janet Jackson and Justin Timberlake’s “Nipple Gate” fiasco of 2004. We spent countless hours in debate over who was at fault for that slip-up. Most of my classmates agreed with what was being circulated in the media, which placed full-blame on Miss Jackson. For weeks, we used that as an example of agenda-setting, and it became more than real while we were still shouting over nudity and censorship, the media outlets had long gone on to something new to talk about. We then, turned our attention to the next “big thing.”

If you’re honest, you’ll admit that media have the power to control what we think about and what we talk about even daily. Within the past few weeks, we’ve been taken on a rollercoaster ride of issues and hot buttons, from Arnold Schwarzenegger’s extramarital affair with his maid to celebrities like CNN anchor, Don Lemon coming out to a very recent sexting scandal by New York state representative, Anthony Weiner. Possibly what caused the most uproar, atleast in the African-American community, was the article published by Psychology Today, “Why Are Black Women Less Physically Attractive Than Other Women?”

As every commentary piece, blog post and news segment was posted, it became clear that media sets the agenda for society as a whole, but for micro-communities, as well. With the publication of one study, Black women were suddenly back to the inevitable discussion about our place and value.
The good thing is rather than turning a blind eye towards the article, reportedly more than 70,000 responses from black women and men expressing their outrage resulted in concrete change, more specifically the firing of Satoshi Kanazawa, the contributor and psychologist who wrote the “ugly study,” rather than just a forwarding fest for once.

But it hasn’t always been that way. Remember when stories were published by mainstream and African-American publications alike telling us there were no “good” black men left? They were either in jail, homosexual, had too many children and/or baby mamas or just plain trifling. We immediately gathered in our living rooms with our best girlfriends to talk about it. We cried about it while lying in bed alone. We used that as an excuse of why we weren’t choosing to date quality men. We fell for it.

What about last year when a study "Lifting as We Climb: Women of Color, Wealth and America's Future" by Insight Center for Community Economic Development suggested that black women’s median wealth worth was only $5? Oddly enough no one talks about the increasingly high number of women who have advanced degrees or own small businesses compare to just 10 years ago.

We are told that our hair is too kinky or our skin isn’t light enough, which spilled over to create friction among our own, as evident in the recent release of the Dark Girls documentary. Funny, I don’t know of a media outlet that’s attributed women of other races’ collagen-filled lips and backsides to a subconscious desire for African-American women’s features. Media tells us that we are undesirable physically, emotionally and even financially, yet everyone wants to take parts of us.

How long will we continue to believe and internalize everything media shove down our throats?
While there are always small truths to everything, we should never take issues at face value only. There’s a deeper story hidden beneath the headlines and teleprompters. An old saying goes, “Believe half of what you see and none of what you hear.” It’s silly to take on the beliefs of systems that do not have our best interests at heart. Being aware of the stereotypes, crap studies and assumptions regarding black women to advocate and make change is a smart move, but internalizing them is not. Further, we should decide what’s important and real to us, and set our own agenda. Those who choose to take on those feelings of inadequacy, low self-esteem and worth will be left to wallow, rather than thrive and pick up the scattered pieces for our generations to come.

Alisha Tillery is a freelance writer living and working in Memphis, Tennessee. Her work has been published in UPTOWN Magazine, Honey Magazine, Clutch Magazine and Vibe Vixen Online. Though online publishing may be the new black, she still loves the rustle of printed magazine pages. She can be found ranting and writing at her personal blog, Because I Said So or at www.twitter.com/Alisha8151.

Last week Rihanna found herself at the center of yet another controversy after the release of her new video for Man Down. The clip depicts the singer being sexually assaulted then shooting her attacker. The cinema quality video struck an emotional chord in men and women, many of whom confess they don't consider themselves to be Rihanna fans; however, Conservative watchdog group the Parents Television Council expressed outrage over the violence which they describe as a "cold, calculated, execution of murder."



The PTC describes itself as an organization designed to "promote and restore responsibility and decency to the entertainment industry in answer to America's demand for positive, family-oriented television programming." It's an admirable cause no doubt, but where does that leave room for creative expression?

At 23 years old, Rihanna appears to still be finding herself as an artist and as a performer. The expectation that her offerings should be PG is wholly unreasonable.

And of course, those who support the censorship do themselves no favors with nonsensical comparisons like the one provided by Paul Porter of Industry Ears who stated, "If Chris Brown shot a woman in his new video and BET premiered it, the world would stop."

Though this is true, Brown's history of abuse cannot be ignored nor can the fact that the overwhelming majority of rapes and domestic violence incidents are perpetuated by men against women.

Rihanna delivered a carefully crafted response to the outcry via BET's 106th and Park. But in the end, isn't this just a video?

Coincidentally, Rihanna wasn't the only crew member of Jay Z's RocNation to push a video that drew criticism in the past few days.

Earlier this week, Kanye West dropped the final version of his video for Monster.





A rough cut of the video leaked months ago and prompted widespread debate about the inherent misogyny of the male rappers cooly performing around hanging, lifeless female bodies while rapper Nicki Minaj crawls on the floor. Sexism is nothing new to hip hop audiences, but the unfamiliarity of seeing eager booty-shaking video models replaced with corpses felt particularly unnerving.

West's attempt to diffuse the situation was an disclaimer tacked onto the beginning of the video that reads:

The following content is in no way to be interpreted as misogynistic or negative towards any groups of people. It is an art piece and shall be taken as such.

Well ok.

My initial reaction is to automatically dismiss that statement, but maybe Kanye's right.

What makes Rihanna's "art piece" so much different from his? These are supposed to be fictive representations of the recorded tracks. We seem to have a much more difficult time processing the images than the words. Why is that?

These issues are much larger than a couple of 5 minute videos. Societal inconsistency in calling out violent, sexist messages has rendered us unable to separate fact from fiction and reality from entertainment.

What do you think? Do we take music videos too seriously?

If you would have asked me five years ago where I would be today, my vision would not have looked like this. Back in 2006, I was pretty successful (or what society deems successful). I was making $43,000 a year as a development coordinator, had my own apartment, a reliable used car, no child…the list goes on. I could do what I wanted when I wanted, and I did.

There was only one annoying snag: while I loved what I was doing, I hated the office politics at my job. Emotional baggage can wear you down and I got tired of the load. So, in 2007, I put in that letter of resignation just knowing I would find another job with ease, like I had done before. What I didn’t know was that we were slowly and unknowingly approaching a recession. Some intelligent people predicted it, but many of us went on with our lives unaware of what would hit us.

After quitting my job, the idea for my first novel came to me and I thought I didn’t need to find a permanent job because I just knew I was going to become the next Terry McMillan and rake in the bucks. Unfortunately, the literary agents in New York that I submitted my manuscript to didn’t think the same way. They praised my writing but couldn’t see a market for “my type” of fiction.

During my journey to become the next Terry, I did temp work to pay the bills, but my life was slowly unraveling. The debts were piling up, but I refused to go back to permanent work. I just knew I was going to sell that first novel…eventually. I didn’t. So, what did I do? I began to work on the second one, still believing I could be the next Terry. Again, the big-time literary agents in New York didn’t think so. Again, they praised my writing but didn’t want to take a chance on such a risky book. So I shelved the book and begin to think of my next steps.

With so much time on my hands and no job in sight, I managed to find trouble. Mama always said, “An idle mind…” Well, you know the rest. Next thing you know, I was knocked up at the ripe age of 36. I should have known better. I was too old to be making mistakes like that. When I told my “baby daddy” about our little surprise, he disappeared. So, there I was pregnant, unemployed, and knee-deep in debt. By then that downward spiral could have reached the depths of hell at the rate I was going. But lo and behold, it got worse.

I moved in with my mother and adult siblings because I thought my family would have my back. The siblings were hellions in disguise and made my life a living hell while I was pregnant. After an incident of sibling violence, I landed in a shelter and that experience was sickening (we’ll save that story for another day).

All the while, I had to navigate the system of what I now call Social DIS-Services…a system that I had paid into by paying taxes since I had my first job at the age of fourteen. However, I received little help from this epitome of governmental bureaucracy. While pregnant, I bounced from place to place and landed with a friend long enough to have my baby girl. During this time I found a publisher for my second book (All Things That Matter Press) and they were willing to take a chance on such a risky novel.

Unfortunately, Social DIS-Services found more ways to disappoint me. It’s sad that I paid taxes for over 23 years and got nothing but trouble from an organization that’s supposed to help people. It’s because of community organizations and the grace of God that my daughter and I are making it right now.

I’m back at my mother’s for now. It is my hope that one day I’ll get back on my feet again…sooner rather than later. I am absolutely in love with my baby girl—her father just doesn’t know what he’s missing. In all of this carnage and chaos, she’s been my light.

In spite of all the difficulties I have experienced these past few years, I still have hope, and I have learned some valuable lessons during this recession. I have learned that I never fully appreciated the things I used to have: a reliable car, a nice, quiet apartment, a profitable job. I took those things for granted. I now know for sure that won’t happen again when I get back on my feet.

I have fully realized that I am responsible for the course that my life has taken. I can’t blame anyone for what has gone down. Not Social DIS-Services. Not the recession. Not my baby daddy. No one. I have to take full responsibility for my choices, and all the people I have come across will have to take responsibility for the choices they have made, and the role that they have played in my life.

I have learned that everything happens in divine order. If I never would have bounced from place to place, I never would have started writing again. I wouldn’t have submitted that second novel to the publisher who finally said yes. And most of all, I have learned that I don’t have to be the next Terry McMillan. I only have to be the next T.C. Galltin and T.C. Galltin, my friends, is enough.

T.C. Galltin is the mother of one, a freelance writer and the author of the forthcoming novel Zaire’s Place about three women whose lives converge at a domestic violence shelter in Baltimore, MD, which will be available this summer. Until then, you can find her on Facebook (/TCGalltin) and Twitter (@TCGalltin).

Last week the black women’s magazine Madame Noire posted an article by LaShaun Williams which asked the question Are Pregnancies Really Ever 'Unplanned?' In short, her answer was no because there is always some risk of pregnancy when a woman decides to engage in sexual intercourse with a man, even with the use of contraception. Williams argues throughout the article that women should reexamine their sexual behavior so "unplanned" pregnancies do not happen and ideally postpone sex until marriage since "45 percent of abortions occur with non-cohabitating [single] women.”

Although the problem Williams brings up is real, her proposed solution seems to oversimplify a complex matter. Yes personal responsibility is important but how can we discuss its connection to sex without factoring in the social and gender inequalities that impact our sexual behavior? When you think about healthcare in this country, for example, it is privilege, not a right. So if you are a sexually active heterosexual woman who is uninsured, the most accessible option for you would be the condom. But let's say you want to take extra precaution and use hormonal birth control as a backup method just in case the condom tears or breaks. Well that means you would have to make a visit to a health professional, most likely at a free or sliding scale clinic, to get birth control like the pill.

Planned Parenthood is one of the most accessible sexual health providers across the nation where women can get access to inexpensive contraception but it is in jeopardy of becoming defunded. Williams views this recent shift towards conservatism as an opportunity for women to "[curb] their sexual behavior [so] it won't be so safe or easy to get rid of unwanted babies." But we live in a post-sexual revolution culture and if places like Planned Parenthood start to close up shop, giving women less options for affordable and effective contraception, wouldn't that lead to more unplanned pregnancies and abortions?



Education is also closely linked with how we behave in the bedroom. If both parties are uneducated, or miseducated, about sex then the possibility of an unplanned pregnancy is more likely to occur. In a 2009 study of my age group (18-29), the National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy revealed that 78% of unmarried men and 45% of unmarried women knew "little or nothing" about the pill while 30% (both genders included) lacked knowledge about condoms. Only 66% of the respondents polled thought that they had all the information they needed to avoid unplanned pregnancy. But instead of advocating for better sexual education, which would reduce the likelihood of these kinds of pregnancies, Williams' solution to women is not to have sex before marriage at all.

For black women, who have lower marriages rates than every other group, the expectation to wait until marriage can be particularly impractical. I'm not saying that women who want to wait until marriage should not but some of us will be waiting forever because marriage may not be in our future. The point is that if a woman decides to have pre-marital sex, she should be educated on the best available options and should readily have access to it.

Besides the obvious points of better healthcare and better education, another more nuanced factor is gender inequality. Our society's sexual double standards and assault on women's self-esteem can influence a woman's ability to successfully navigate sexual encounters. Men can carry condoms, for example, without receiving any blame while women who do the exact same thing are automatically assumed to be sluts. Will.i.am of the Black Eyed Peas proved this very point in the May issue of Elle magazine where he stated that women with condoms were tacky. In a real world situation, a woman can be slut-shamed by her partner for carrying her own condoms and if she feels bad enough, she could be coerced not to use one at all. Another scenario where unprotected sex can happen is if a woman has sex to boost her self-esteem and becomes involved with a partner who engages in risky sexual behavior. When we have a culture where men are taught to be the aggressors and women are taught to be docile and compliant, it is no surprise that women may have a tougher time asserting personal authority and demanding condoms be a prerequisite for intercourse.

Since the matrix of social and gender problems in this country are not going away any time soon, the best we can do is educate ourselves and each other. We need to recognize the importance of opening a dialogue on sex both within our families and our community. I know that statement may be harsh for some of you to hear but with unplanned pregnancy and HIV/AIDS being real problems in the black community, it is necessary.

In a study by Johns Hopkins University last year, researchers found that adolescents are more likely to defer sex if parents talk to them about it and express views about delaying their first sexual intercourse. Yet in many black families this conversation is non-existent. So how can we expect more black women to wait until marriage, delay intercourse or engage in more discriminate sex practices if many parents cannot even have 'the talk' with them when they are young girls? If we truly want future generations to make more responsible choices when it comes to sex, then we must give them the tools to do so.

Andrea is a freelance writer and founder of the blog Soul Sassy. She writes about race, gender and popular culture.