No
matter where dad has gone or what dad has done, mother, mom, mama,
makes the difference. Mama must forge ahead with her children on her
back and dreams in her gut.
Everyone
focuses on the absent parent, the father, who is no longer around to
make a difference in the child’s life, but if there’s a solution for
single mother households, it lies within the parent who’s still involved
in the child’s life--the mother.
We
can’t afford to spend another minute pontificating about the effects
absent fathers have on society, because it takes attention away from the
most urgent issue of equipping mothers with what they need to carry on.
Missing Daddies, Angry Mamas, And A Self-Perpetuating Cycle
My
own mother’s example inspires, but I’m also inspired by stories of
mothers around the world. (This is not just an American women’s
problem.) I’ve chosen two stories as examples of what can be done to
carry on when dad is gone.
Victoria Young
Victoria
Young is an 11 year old piano prodigy. She’s one of the Jack Kent Cooke
Young Artists featured on NPR radio where she shares her gift and her
story, a story spoken in a humble, innocent, articulate voice. On the
radio program, Victoria talks about her love for modern art, and world
class museums, and blesses the crowd with a stunning piano performance.
But Victoria’s feature on NPR strikes more than just a piano chord.
Even
while on a world stage playing Johan Sebastian Bach and discussing
infamous paintings by Vincent Van Gogh, Victoria identifies the
struggles in her life. She recounts her father selling her piano without
her knowing. She remembers her home on the brink of foreclosure. She
explains how she managed to continue practicing the piano even though
she and her mom had to take refuge in a domestic violence shelter far
away from her school. Yet, despite the tough times, this 11 year old
girl hasn’t given up on excellence.
So
much about Victoria’s story evokes admiration, but one daily ritual
shines as a testament of what it takes to thrive. Every afternoon,
Victoria and her mother commune over a cup of tea. In Victoria’s own
words:
A Domestic Dream: Re-imagining Black Motherhood
“It’s really exciting. We go and we talk, and we eat at the same time. . . . We have a lot of fun.”
Of
course we don’t hear Victoria’s entire story on the radio. We only get
fragments. But they are significant fragments because in them is
shimmering hope for all mother-daughter duos. The bits of Victoria’s
story that we do have, show us at least two essential parenting
practices:
Spend quality time with your children, and have deeper conversations with them.
Victoria’s
mom understands the need to consistently offer her time and her ear to
her daughter. Notice that their quality time is very simple. They don’t
even have to leave their house. They spend nothing more than what they
would normally spend on groceries, which is important for single mothers
who often need to save every dollar they can.
What
makes their time together effective is that it’s consistent, genuine,
and it’s about Victoria the daughter. It’s not about the occasion or the
event, like a concert or party. Victoria is the center of her mother’s
attention, and she can count on that attention every day.
Epiphany: The Importance of Putting Yourself First
What’s
your version of afterschool tea time? Consider the everyday tasks you
do with your children. How can you turn those moments into quality
moments if they aren’t already? As single mothers, already short on
time, you try to maximize every second, but you may be losing quality
time with our kids.
When
you’re around your kids, minimize the time that you’re on the phone
talking to adults who don’t need your attention the way your kids do.
Make time for quality conversation about their interests, their fears, and their opinions.
Our
days are filled with these kinds of mundane tasks that could be turned
into quality moments with children. Determine what works best for your
family.
Victoria
gives parting advice to young people: “I would tell them not to give
up, and just keep going because there’s still hope, and try as hard as
they can because they still have their future ahead of them.”
This advice to young people is just as true for their mothers.
Esperanza Spalding
Perhaps
a more recognizable name, Esperanza Spalding is a famous jazz musician
launched into the national spotlight when she won the Grammy Award for
Best New Artist in 2010. Spalding began her performance career at the
age of five, released her first CD in 2005, and just released her latest
album, Radio Music Society, in March 2012.
I
recently read a profile about Ms. Spalding, “A Day in the Life of the
Jazz Star,” by Abigail Pesta on the Daily Beast. Pesta emphasizes
Spalding’s committed work ethic as the primary reason for the jazz
musician’s success. Unlike some, Spalding was not born into a musical
dynasty. As stated on her official website, Spalding grew up in Portland
Oregon “in a single-parent home amid economically adverse
circumstances,” even dealing with a childhood illness that required her
to be homeschooled.
Have You Seen Her? A Tribute to Black Mothers
So what did Spalding’s mother do that might have contributed to a prosperous life today?
According
to Pesta, Esperanza Spalding, “credits her mother, a single parent,
with her early interest in the arts, recalling childhood evenings
together spent reading books like The Little Prince, and later the
biography of abolitionist Frederick Douglass. She listened to the
‘oldies’—Motown and British rock bands from the ’60s and ’70s—because
her mother didn’t think the modern stuff was good for her.”
This example reveals another essential practice:
Provide a deliberate education.
I
don’t mean you have to become a certified, public school teacher and
stand at a chalkboard while your child buries their head a thick
textbook.
I
do mean this: Decide the values and life lessons you want to instill in
your children. Then determine several positive methods for modeling
these values and lessons.
For
example, reading with your children can show them the value of reading,
but selecting certain material can make the experience about more than
just the act of reading. Depending on the content, reading time can also
teach children about various themes presented in the text, such as
compassion, hard work, generosity, and perseverance. The same is true
with music, movies, and television. Even shopping trips can be utilized
for modeling financial responsibility.
Just
like Esperanza is able to point to her mother’s reasoning, children
should not have to guess what values are important to you. Parents may
think values and lessons are obvious, but that’s like asking, “Can’t you
tell I love you by my actions? Why do I have to say it?” You don’t have
to say it every time you speak, but be direct and open about your
values and priorities.
The fourth essential practice I glean from Esperanza’s story:
Don’t dwell on what’s missing. Allow your family to enjoy life.
In Esperanza’s own words:
“I’m
sure my whole life we were under the poverty line, you know, but I
still felt rich. I had a rich upbringing, rich in the sense of a lot of
love, a lot of education, nature, music and art, and laughing. . . .
It’s not just about the income you make.”
Esperanza
Spalding’s mother provided her with rich experiences that countered,
even outweighed, the negative side of her reality.
I think this is the single mother’s first order of business, as it was with my mother.
Don’t allow yourself or your children to languish over the absence of a man, or the absence of financial resources.
Whether
or not your child is a musical prodigy, they still deserve the best of
you. I hope you’ve found some inspiration in these stories that will
keep you hopeful in your parenting journey.
Sarah L. Webb is teaching college writing in Louisiana, working on a collection of architecture poems, and blogging about books on writing and other off topic issues at S. L. Writes.
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