Uncovering My Femininity and Learning to Love My Body

by Tikeetha Thomas

Last year, I went through a major life change.  I announced my divorce after more than ten years of marriage.  I was now going to be a single woman with a five year old son.  This is not how I envisioned my life at almost 40, but here I was standing on the precipice of my new future and I had no choice but to reinvent myself.  Not just for me, but for my son as well.  I was tired of hiding the “true me.”

So, I started to peel back some layers and realized a major truth about myself…the "true me" was scared of her femininity.  I was scared of it because I thought that it would distract from my brains.  But more than that, I hated my body.  Yes, I was a woman, but I was a big woman.  I was never taught to love my hips and curves, to love my oddly shaped nose that no one in my family has, to love the fullness of my lips or the smallness of my A-cup breasts that deflated after childbirth.  I was simply an oddly shaped big girl.  My femininity at this size which in actuality was only two dress sizes bigger than I was in college?

Femininity and sexiness were foreign concepts to me.   After graduating from college, I realized that I couldn’t identify with either.  I wasn't sexy.  I was too big to be sexy.  I was just big.  How could a big girl who didn’t think she was sexy embrace the very things that made her a woman?  I couldn’t.  So, what did I do?  I hid my body. I hid my curves behind baggy clothes, boxy eyeglasses and structured pant suits because I didn't want to draw attention to my body.

I focused on what I could see as being of value.  Being smart and savvy in the business world were values that I could relate to.  I wanted to be seen as keen, analytical and dependable woman.  I wanted to be taken seriously at the big boy’s table when discussing business matters.  I wanted to have a voice that was valued.  I wanted the words coming out of my mouth and not the shape of my thighs to matter. What I really wanted was to be exceptionally ordinary.

It took me being single to discover that hiding my sexy and feminine self behind boxy glasses and sharp pant suits didn’t make me smarter.  It prevented me from garnering attention.  It screamed “I’m not happy with me, so don’t look to closely!”  But, I learned to love myself (including those curves) in the reinvention process.  I learned that my sexiness isn’t found in the office where I work.  It’s found in the core of who I am.  It’s in my genetic make-up.  I had to get over it and realize that I am sexy and I am a woman and they shouldn’t be exclusive of each other.

I am not a size 6 or a size 8.  My pant size is in the double digits, but it’s okay to be a beauty with booty and still embrace my femininity.  I’m starting to peel back the layers of clothes and discover a big and sexy woman underneath.  I wear more dresses that show off my big thick legs and bright colors that compliment my coffee colored skin tone.  I put on interesting shaped earrings that draw attention to my beautiful face.  I find the cutest gloss that accentuates the fullness of my inherited thick lips while wearing my Chanel eyeglasses that frame my perfectly arched eyebrows.  More importantly, I swing my hips proudly as I walk through the halls of my office or my son’s elementary schools.  I embrace my curves and I learned to see myself as both sexy and feminine and you know what?  I love it!

Photo Credit: Shutterstock

Tikeetha Thomas is a full-time working mom with a six year old son who is the apple of her eye.  She resides in Maryland and when she is not working and catering to her little boy, she is busy working on her unnamed novel.  You can follow her on Twitter or read more about her life at her blog:  www.athomaspointofview.blogspot.com

No comments:

Powered by Blogger.