How to Own Your Pleasure: Learning the Key to Sexual Fulfillment

by Tracey Ricks

I have been privy to many conversations with my sister friends over the years, and one of the most intimate of those conversations is that of sex. The most controversial of the topic is that of orgasms. Or to be more precise, the lack or capability of being able to obtain an orgasm. I remember as a younger woman, I am now in my mid-forties, my sister friends and I rarely discussed orgasms because to be honest, we didn’t really have a clue as to what an orgasm was. Sex was just the technical aspect of actual penile penetration. The foreplay was always the high point. None of us had the sophistication to understand why having breasts fondled, being sensually kissed all over, and the stimulation of that bubble thing that rested above our vaginas were the highlights to our overall sexual experience. As I matured in my sexual journey and my sister friends along with me, we soon discovered the meaning of the word orgasm and then realized sadly that some of us had never experienced one. I call this period of my womanhood, the Dr. Ruth era.

It was Dr. Ruth Westheimer who started the conversation between women and their partners about achieving orgasms in the late 1980’s and early 1990’s. On her talk radio show, Dr. Ruth openly fielded the most sensitive and intimate questions about orgasms. It was on her late Sunday night show, that I seldom missed, where she emphasized to her loyal listeners all over the world the importance of clitoral stimulation and how to search for that elusive G-Spot. I did not completely understand how any of this worked because I was kind of ignorant of how my body operated sexually. Growing up, the discussion of sex was kind of open and shut. My mother became pregnant with me at the age of fifteen. Then when she was twenty, my mother became one of Jehovah’s Witnesses. The religion teaches that premarital sex is a no-no and that the only sanctioned experiences of sexuality are found within marriage, and even in the proverbial marital bed, sex has its limits.



Well, to say the least, the topic of sex with my mother was vague. I received the ‘period lecture’ where I was told that I could produce children, but if I did not have a husband, it would be unacceptable. I can understand her reasoning. She did not want me to repeat a pattern that she had created. However, with hormones all over the place, and a lack of knowledge why my body was biblically betraying me; leading me to the temptation I was supposed to run from, it was very hard to distance myself from my sexuality. So, I soon leaped into that mysterious world of sex. I, like so many of my peers, were living at a unique time. It was the 80’s. Sexuality was being expressed in every avenue that we encountered. From Prince and his erogenous operatic symphonies about sex, Madonna wiggling on a bed opining sensually how a current lover was able to bring out the ‘virgin’ in her, to Michael Jackson telling us that Billie Jean’s kid was not his son, my generation of women were exposed to sex. But being exposed does not necessarily translate to gaining useable knowledge. As each of my sister friends enjoyed their sexual experiences, each of us chased that elusive orgasm. There were a few that just simply gave up. I am included in that group. Maybe there was no such thing as an orgasm. Perhaps there was something physiologically wrong. Could it be that we were what doctors called in the past ‘frigid’ or unable to achieve true sexual pleasure?

Experts are now reporting that this is not the case. In the journal of Clinical Anatomy, researchers have discovered several important facts about women. First, the key to all female orgasms is the clitoris. Not penile penetration. Surprising? Not really. Profound? Without a doubt. Researchers propose in the medical journal that vaginal orgasms do not exist. Why? The clitoris is the central erogenous area on a woman’s body. It is made of the same materials that the penis is and if the erectile organs found within the clitoris are functioning properly, then ALL women can achieve an orgasm. How about that?

Researcher and the co-author of the review published, in part, in the Clinical Anatomy, Dr. Vincenzo Puppo, suggests that after the man experiences ejaculation, that doesn’t mean that the intimacies of sex has to end. Dr. Puppo opined that a woman can continue in her quest for an orgasm if her partner touches, kisses, and stimulates her clitoris. Too bad Vanity didn’t know that little detail. Remember the spoken word ending of Nasty Girl? Hey! My heart goes out to the millions of women throughout human history who suffered in silence, not fully understanding that sex is not just a selfish vehicle that men use to their advantage and pleasure, and the end result is pregnancy, children, and the puzzling question: “Is that it?”

The good news is, “No, it ain’t over.” It is essential that we as women take a closer and much necessary look at our bodies and become familiar with our sexuality. Knowledge of our bodies and how it relates to us as sexual beings leads to a greater freedom of sexual expression. Sex is not dirty. So, it should not be a taboo subject. Remember that an orgasm is within reach if we understand the physiology of the clitoris and have a partner that is knowledgeable and willing to make sex and intimacy a shared and pleasurable experience.

Photo Credit: Deposit Photos

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Tracey Ricks Foster is a journalist, published author and freelance writer. You can find her stimulating essays and commentary on the website, The Musings of An Intelligent Black Woman, http://www.traceyricks.me and on Facebook at Tracey Ricks Foster.