Cancel the Audition: He Should be Wooing and Pursuing You

by Raina Shaw aka The Salon Chair "Therapist"

These days women do so much for men that they are not married to to prove that they are “the one" he should marry. They support men financially, buy property and cars with them, have multiple children and much, much more; as my mother would say, “They’re putting the cart before the horse," and we all know that you can’t get far like that.

The sad part about it all is that in most cases the man is seriously leaning toward being a loser and is not marriage material at all, so I can’t understand why the woman is jumping through hoops of fire like she’s in a circus. Maybe because deep down, she knows he’s a clown?  Why is she trying to convince him that she’s not a gold digger even though he has no gold?  Why is she trying to buy his love and affection?  Why is she catering to him and kissing his ass when his standard mode of operation consists of mental manipulation, cruelty and sometimes physical violence? 

After years have passed and she confronts him about getting married, he says straight up, that he’s just not ready.  At this point, she has expended all of her time and energy and she’s depleted in every area, not to mention, angry!

Now, it’s off to the courts to attempt to get a third party to sort out the mess. She wants the judge to divide up everything that they’ve accumulated during the relationship, but if she’s in a state that doesn’t acknowledge common law marriage, she’s out of luck. She is basically starting over and sometimes it’s just with the clothes on her back…..not good!

Love and loyalty cannot be bought. If it could, we all at some point would put our resources together and make that purchase. When a man has the right intentions toward a woman, he is not a cruel taskmaster whose favor and appreciation you have to earn. Forking over your hard-earned cash and other resources, giving your body, mind and self-worth to prove you are “the one” just won’t work. Be warned--he won’t be moved by how many tears you shed. In fact, he'll probably be annoyed. 

Don't worry!  There is somebody for you. Get out of your normal environment, stop living at church and remember that the world is bigger than your neighborhood. The next time you meet a potential suitor, do not play the role, trying to convince him that you don’t expect anything from him. You expect him to be financially solvent like you, sane enough to court you, kind and courteous all the time, not just when he wants sex or wants to fleece you of your resources. 

Black women are the only women that are encouraged to lower their standards and to just accept any type of man that treats them any kind of way. Women of other ethnicities are applauded when they have high standards and when a brotha steps to them, he has no problem being the man that he should be and gives away everything, but the kitchen sink. Then, we are told that “other” women are nicer, more submissive and so on. They probably are because it’s easy for a woman to submit to a man that treats her with love and kindness and has put her on a pedestal, but, the truth is, nobody bends over backwards for the black man more than the black woman. It’s just not appreciated or reciprocated. It’s deemed as something they’re entitled to and a sense of entitlement always leads to trouble.

I will conclude by saying, don’t allow being in a relationship to be the ultimate source of your happiness. You should be livin' it up until the right one comes along and when he does come, he won’t require you to do everything under the sun for him while he just takes. No more auditioning…..the role of wife, partner, love of his life, best friend is ALREADY yours at the appointed time with the appointed one.

Photo Credit: Shutterstock

Raina Shaw is the Salon Chair Therapist. Find out more about her at her website,

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