Unrequited Love, Sex, and Hazel E.

by Tracey Ricks

Have you ever experienced unrequited love? The chances are that the strong emotions of unrequited love could have touched you somewhere in your life. Unrequited is defined as ‘not returned or reciprocated,’ so unrequited love is a love unreciprocated, not returned or shared. Been there before? I am sure you have. I am a writer and I like to stay up to date on what is happening in the world of women, so I use various mediums to extract information to create a full portrait. I was trolling the Love and Hip Hop LA series, flipping back and forth one evening, and I was greeted by a familiar face. When I use the word ‘familiar,’ I am not necessarily implying that I personally or otherwise ‘know’ the women featured on the series. I don’t. But I am familiar with the situation of one particular cast member’s dilemma. Whose Spirit do I relate to? Hazel E.

It was shocking how easily I was able to condemn Hazel E. when for years I lived her reality. Living in a fantasy. Using sex as a tool for manipulation and a substitution for love. Not knowing the difference between sex and love. Demanding a relationship from a serial booty call. Yes. I was Hazel E. As I proceeded to call Hazel E. all kinds of ‘dummy’ in my mind and on social media, my conscience paid me a visit. Do you remember Darren? Do you remember Craig? How about Maurice? Remember those men? My conscience forced me to revisit a past I wanted to forget.

Yes. I admit it. I was the undisputed unrequited love queen. How did I find myself at a point in my life where it was okay to cheat myself? Taking an objective look at my life helped me understand what the main artery of my life was. My biological father was a non-presence in my life. In my unconscious mind, I believed that I was unworthy of love. If my own parent refused to love me, something had to be wrong with me? Right? Well, that is what I believed as a child and that carried over into adulthood. I logically understood it was not my fault that my father made the decision not to show up in my life. But in the back of my mind, I believed differently.

Abandonment issues sent me down a dark road of self-pity and self-hatred. I then chose men that catered to that dysfunction. Men that had abandonment issues of their own. Men whose fathers wounded them. Men that suffered in silence from traumatic experiences of child and sexual abuse. Men who used sex as a form of escapism. I was a magnet for that type of man. Of course, I would entertain a sexual relationship with a man quickly believing that having sex would create a relationship. Wrong! Sex is just, well, sex! I was looking for an emotional and spiritual connection with another human being, when my actions only proved that I was down for a good time and hot sex. Soon, when I would suggest dates and encourage conversations that only couples in a relationship enjoy, I was snapped out of my fantasy. What I desired was not what I tricked myself into believing I had. I was not in a ‘real’ relationship with these men. It was a serial booty call.

How disappointing those flashes of reality were for me. When I pushed for something more, claimed I was ‘in love,’ men would disappear from my world. Abandon me. There I was. Alone. How did I fix that? By making the exact same mistake Hazel E made. Settling for what I could get with the hopes of something more. I put my feelings on a shelf and continued to have sexual escapades. Why? In my heart, I believed the men would come around. A light bulb would go off in their head and they would realize I was girlfriend and wife material. That never happened. Of course, I have to admit; Young Berg’s insistence of keeping it real resonates with me. It should, right? It’s not like I haven’t heard it a few million times. Up close and extremely personal.

What I realized, after nursing a major heartbreak of my own doing, is that sex is not going to attract the love I desire to enter my world. Sex may have the men coming back for more, but was that a good thing? I was selling myself short. I was using sex to be accepted and to keep from feeling lonely. I was at the lowest point in my womanhood. Abandonment issues created low self-esteem. I may have projected the image of having it all together and figured out, but the truth of the matter was that my self-esteem was in the toilet and I was using sex to feel good about myself. It took awhile for me to make the connection, but when I did, I started making better choices. I took charge of my sexuality and held myself accountable. I discovered that sexual intimacy is precious. So are my Soul and Spirit. I can only hope that Hazel E. closely reviews the series and the scenes where she and Young Berg are featured. Hopefully, upon self-analysis and reflection, she will come to the realization that she is worth so much more than a serial booty call.

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Tracey Ricks is a freelance political journalist, author and CEO of Kumbukani International Media. Tracey’s social and cultural commentary can be found on the website, The Musings of an Intelligent Black Woman, at http://www.iamtraceyricks.me

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