Ask Coach Mari: I'm Bored With My Husband11/03/2010
Coach Mari: My husband and I have been married for eight years. “Ed” is thirteen years older than me. We married when I was nineteen an...
My husband and I have been married for eight years. “Ed” is thirteen years older than me. We married when I was nineteen and a year out of high school. I know in my heart that I married him to escape my abusive home life. We have two beautiful children together, a son and daughter who adore their father. Ed is a wonderful father and provider and a decent stand-up guy. He’s a hard worker and has provided a wonderful home and stable life for us. I don’t work, but since our marriage, I’ve gone on to graduate from college with a degree in business administration. Ed always encouraged me not to work, but rather to be a stay at home mom. We attend church regularly and Ed is a Deacon in our church. Sometimes he’s domineering and preachy and I’m really getting tired of that, as well.
With all that I have, I should be incredibly happy but the truth is I’m bored out of my mind. The only things that interest Ed are sex, work, church, and more sex. Unfortunately, Ed is one lousy lover. No amount of suggestions does any good. He has one move, and that move stopped working a long time ago. Although I know Ed loves me, I’m not certain he even cares if I am satisfied. I wouldn’t mind so much if we had an active social life or took vacations or did something! I’m only 27 years old and I want more than this. I’m tired of only listening to my children’s chatter and cleaning house all day long. I want to go out; I want to party some, with or without Ed. I want to go to a nightclub every now and then or the beach. I feel like I’m going crazy here and I am seriously thinking of a) getting a lover on the side or b) leaving him.I can’t imagine spending the rest of my life like this.
Wow! I hear you loud and clear. Your letter screams desperation and resentment, so let’s break it down.
Your marriage was troubled from day one. You never loved “Ed” in the first place. As you admit, you used him to escape your parents’ home. You were fairly young and at that point, Ed was a lot older than you and obviously, not very discerning. Had he been, he would have realized your desire to get married wasn’t out of overwhelming love for him. However, now you two have two children in the mix, in what you describe as a stable environment. What you’d probably love for me to say is run for the hills, girl. Grab your Jimmy Chu’s and party down because “Ed” is as exciting as mud, and you deserve a life. Well, don’t we all? But you’re not the only player here. And while this isn’t all about you, let’s start with you.
Your youth was spent being a wife and mother and it’s a role you were ill- prepared for. Now you’re missing all the fun and excitement you imagine you would have had, had you stayed single for a while longer.
Move #1. Write down everything admirable about Ed. He’s a hard worker, he’s a great father, he’s provided you with a nice lifestyle, etc. Then write down everything about him that bothers you. Weigh the two. Decide whether life would be better for you and your children with or without your husband. I could add that after reading your letter, there are thousands upon thousands of women who would trade places with you in a heartbeat, but they don’t know what’s really going on inside your house. From what you’ve said, your main complaint is that he’s not great in bed and doesn’t have many hobbies. Get a hold of the situation, because everybody can be taught something. Sexually, do not suggest anything else to “Ed.” Tell “Ed” point blank that during lovemaking you like a, b, c and d (but by all means be willing to compromise). Find out what really excites him as well. If he is not interested in learning new things to make your sex life equally enjoyable, then tell him if he really loves you, some things have to change because you can’t fake it any longer. (Men hate the FAKE word.) Again, if he is totally not interested in your satisfaction that says a lot about him and puts him in a totally different light.
Move #2. Act with integrity. Before thinking of getting a lover or a divorce (last ditch effort), arrange a time with “Ed” when the two of you have absolute quiet, away from the chattering of your children. Tell him exactly what you told me. Let him know how you feel. Communication is one of the keys in marriage, and the two of you don’t have it. Emphasize you’re lonely (which you are), you’re young, you’re bored, you want to do more, contribute more and have a more interesting, exciting marriage. You have a lot to offer. Marriage is a 100%//100% proposition. Let him know if you’re interested in exploring your business degree, joining organizations or taking classes in something that really excites you and maximizing 100% of yourself. After all, A Happy Wife = A Happy Life (as one of the Real Housewives’ husband said).
Move #3. Please, please, please consider counseling or coaching or whichever you feel best suited for. After you’ve laid all your cards on the table and come clean with your husband, please look into getting help from either a coach or therapist to get to the root of your resentment and help you put on your big girl panties and take responsibility for your actions in the matter, and to help Ed explore his sexuality and control issues. Marriage is not about control; it’s about each partner going the distance to support, encourage, sustain, and inspire each other to become as great as they can be.
- Coach Mari
Mari Lyles is one of the metropolitan D.C.’s area's leading Certified Life/ Relationship coaches. A graduate of two prestigious schools, Institute for Professional Excellence in Coaching (IPEC) and the international Relationship Coaching Institute (RCI), Mari turned fifteen years of counseling/mentoring talents into a satisfying career coaching women on life and dating and mating issues, based upon RCI's patented relationship program, "Conscious Dating," wherein women take power over their romantic lives.
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