The Big Three-Oh!: On Getting Older and Waiting Patiently9/23/2013
by Samantha Nay Truth be told, I felt sick, awful, and could barely talk. I had myself convince mys...
by Samantha Nay
Truth be told, I felt sick, awful, and could barely talk. I had myself convince myself to seek medical attention for some kind of assistance. I was not sure why but I went.
“Can you verify your date of birth please?” Before, I could even answer the nurse informs me that I was about to be the BIG THREE ZERO in just a few weeks. I must have blacked for a second because there I was in my high school cafeteria with my high school friends. We were talking about all our life plans and how amazing it would be when we would be adults while eating nachos. I, myself was listening to others talk but thinking how I would be wife, mother, college graduate, world traveler by the time I was 30. I believed at the time that my children and my best-friend children would play outside in the yard together while our husband drink beer. The two of us would go walking in our upscale diverse neighborhood after work while dinner was cooking in the crock pot.
All those goals, ideas, and dreams felt achievable but no one ever told me reality would set it. It never occurred on me that life was so far left from a reality TV show and that life comes with responsibilities, obstacles, failure, fear and it requires patience.
“So, how many children do you have?” she asked. No Kids. No Husband. I am single. The nurse then took a double take and then had a look on her face of confusion. All the while, I am thinking, can I get my medications and go? That would be too easy. The nurse who shall remain nameless hits me with one of the favorite single woman quotes, “You are to pretty to be single.” I smiled with thanks. There, I was at the doctor’s office barely could talk from Laryngitis and she would not shut up. Nurse No Name starts telling how thankful I should be that I do not have children or a husband. But remind you she had two children and had been married for five years, if I remember correctly.
According to the nurse, children cost money and they hardly ever let you sleep. Children leave no time to buy shoes for yourself or spend time at the SPA. A husband, well if you can find a good one, per nurse, they are okay to have but not that great. Nurse No Name indicated that marriage was hard and it required patience. As if being single was easy and required you to be impatient. I was totally shocked how she spent the next ten minutes of my co-pay explaining to me with this elaborate story about the reason being married and having family was such a disadvantage.
I call these pity-single-woman-conversations with a side of girl you should be so lucky. Raise your hand if you have received one. These are the ones your friends and family members give you when you are single. People feel as though they have to somehow make the life you so desire to have less desirable. Although they think they are helping in actuality they sound crazy.
After I left the doctor’s office, I started thinking she was not the first woman to ever try to make me feel good about being my age and single status. However, I do think there is a better way to approach the topic of being single. Why do I feel like other women need to figure me out or help me discover why I am single? As if the status of single was a disease, like Singlism Disorder with independent symptoms not otherwise specified. But all these other people had a cure for my status and that was to feed me with the disadvantages.
When I got home to take my medications, I realized planning a birthday party for my BIG THREE ZERO did not sound like something I was interested in doing for myself.
I wanted to get in be in bed crawled under the sheets and perhaps read a book on how to fix myself.
So, after much fighting, kicking, screaming and crying, I decided to show up to my own birthday party. There I was standing at my birthday dinner without a husband, a promising career or a child. I was there waiting for Kim Kardashian to jump out and say surprise or maybe Shemar Moore to greet me with a birthday kiss but mostly waiting for myself to show up. It was easy to get myself down by focusing on the things I did not have. But there was so many times when I wondering what in the hell was I celebrating? Was I celebrating PCOS? Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, a common hormonal disorder in women that interferes with the growth and release of eggs from the ovaries or ovulation. It had been proven to be the most common cause of infertility among women and all its wonderful side effects.
Were we celebrating the fact that I finally started to lose some of this emotional weight or the fact that I did not pass my exam to become licensed? Or the fact that I had become more annoyed with this season I was currently trying to move past. I mean I was searching for the true meaning of this celebration. The Big Three-OH Celebration!
It never occurred to me that celebrating me was enough! Why my friends were so more excited to celebrate my birthday than I was and why did not see whatever it was they saw? Yes, I had great qualities, like I was giver, attractive, educated, smart, funny, and honest but I was bored, single, discontent and filled with self doubt along side of fear.
I begin to think, God does not grant you the desire of your heart as He said in His word. I thought God had said, no to my heart. There I was thinking I had done what had been asked but where was my happy ending?
A friend asked me, what are willing to do to get God’s promise? Was I really standing on God’s promise or was I just standing? Turns out it takes more than just standing. I had to change my mind set, start preparing and allow my Faith to work.
I know God heard my prayers and he will answer them in due season.
It’s important that we be willing to invest in your promise from God in order for it be reveal. For me that meant, I needed to be patient and get prepared during my waiting season.
It means you cannot ask for God to fulfill the promise if you are not willing to do the work. But most of us do not Trust God to actually do the work. Even so, are willing to love yourself enough to do the work therefore you promise will come to pass? I asked myself, what are you willing to put in to get the promise God has for you? This is not just about a career, husband, babies, fertility or healing. This is finances, life, work, family, etc.
After a couple pieces of birthday cake, and a kick in the behind from my girlfriend, I had clear vision. The lovely ladies were at this celebration to celebrate me and God has not forgotten about me or my prayers. I must be willing to wait on God and get prepared. I needed to decree, declare, and believed that it’s going to come to pass. Even when people want to call me a spinster, demanding or to independent rather stand with me in agreement and cast out all doubt.
What I know at 30 is that God had seen me through my 20’s and He will see through this season as well as my 30’s. I made a decision to exercise my Faith and really show God I trust him in all that I do, and what happens I will still praise Him. I am going to continue to worship him even when storms lie ahead and know that He will be my umbrella.