I Am What Happens to the Children of Domestic Violence10/07/2013
by Andrea Hanson For as long as I can remember, I have always had the same reoccurring dream. It begins with me running down a hallwa...
It is hard to put into words how heartbreaking it is to see your father abuse your mother. It always tears at you from somewhere deep inside. You hate the abuser, but love your father. You hate the abused, but love your mother. You hate that your parents are together, but so desperately want the family to stay intact. It wears on you mentally.
I grew up thinking that all of those years living in that house did not affect me. I had normal relationships. I had a radar that could spot the abusive ones. If he was too charming at first, I would let him go. If he seemed the least bit controlling, I would let him go. If his temper seemed completely out of character from the cool head presented, then I let him go. If his actions were different than his words, I would let him go.
I made a promise to myself on that bathroom floor with my mother to never let her situation be mine. I kept that promise, but when I really found love, everything came back. I became the abuser. I was determined not to be abused. Actually, it had nothing to do with determination. I had never known a normal relationship that did not include abuse. You see, not only am I the daughter of domestic violence, but also the granddaughter and great-granddaughter of domestic violence. My normal included loving men that hit you. The silver lining was that these men loved you back, took care of you, and in time would stop fighting you. It was quite normal to hear a conversation about your sweet grandfather once having a bad temper and taking it out on your grandmother. I didn’t want that life and my only solution was to fight first because I never thought I was worthy of love without being abused.
My then boyfriend eventually reached his breaking point. He said two very life-altering statements that changed my life forever: 1. You need help and 2. Do you want to be your father? I went and got the help that I needed and I have never raised my hand to anyone again. I learned a great deal about myself while getting the help. I learned that abuse is never about the person being abused, but more about how broken the abuser is. I was broken. I had never dealt with the reality of my chaotic home. I had never acknowledged that by the age of about 9 years old, that I stopped really feeling. My mother had moved away with little to no contact when I was so young and I never shed a tear over it. I lost my childhood because of domestic violence. There are years that I have simply lost. I have no recollection of the time. I only have bits and pieces because it was just that bad and I had to go into survival mode.
I am married now. I have been married for about 8 years and I have slowly come to learn that I deserve this type of love. I sometimes look at my children and marvel at how happy they are and wonder how different I would have been if I had just been able to breathe.
I just want to point out that domestic violence does not stop with the two people involved. It has an effect on everyone who witnesses it. I remember feeling like my body was being split in half. I can no longer have a relationship with my father because of all that he did in that house to my mother. At times, I resent my mother for staying so long, especially after having children of my own. I am 34 years old and I am still dealing with all the images that come into my head at times. If you’re a woman dealing with ANY type of domestic abuse, please leave. You owe it to your children and every generation that comes after you. The greatest gift a parent can give is the feeling of being secure and loved. It took me years to learn that I deserved to be loved and even longer to feel secure enough to love someone wholeheartedly.