I don’t know why women think they need to lose themselves, their independence, their individual identities and their friends when they find boyfriends.
You know the type.
Your friend who used to be perfectly content having the occasional girls night in suddenly can’t come around if her guy is not invited. You suggest a trip to the mall. She says he will drive, even though you have your own damn car. You plan a trip to the strip club and he comes along, dressed in one of her wigs to get past the bouncers.
(Read: On Picking Bad Friends)
She brings him to baby showers, girl’s night out and the spa even though everyone else has left their boyfriend at home. Since you and the other girls can’t/won’t/don’t want to talk about certain things in front of him, you censor your conversations until later that night when you get on three-way (sans your homegirl) and bash him and then talk about all of the things you wanted to talk about while he made unnecessary comments during brunch.
When you tell her he’s not invited to get manis and pedis with you she either finds an excuse not to come, or spends the entire time on the phone with him. It’s not that you don’t like her boyfriend or that you don’t want to get to know him, but sometimes you just want to hang out with you friend by herself.
Eventually, you stop inviting her out. The thing is, she’s so wrapped up in him she doesn’t even notice that your crew has gone on a girlfriend’s getaway – without her.
(Read: Go Ahead & Free Yourself: Knowing When To ‘Unfriend’ People from Your Life)
She’s long stopped calling you. The only time you speak is if you call her, and then, you must know that she will have you on speaker phone while he sits there listening to you describe what your new beau did to make you praise God and then beg for forgiveness once you caught your breath because something that felt so wonderful has got to be unlawful. Only, you don’t realize you’re on speaker until her boyfriend sneezes.
“Do you have me on speaker?!?!?!”
“Yes, because I was making dinner for SmithyPoo and I didn’t want him to feel left out while I was on the phone. Babe, I gotta, go. SmithyPoo is hungry. Bye.”
You wait for her to call and apologize and she never does. Then, you think you’re teaching her a lesson by not calling her. She’s too busy with him to care.
(Read: Black Girl Hate: Struggling For Sisterhood)
The next thing you know, eight months have passed with not a single word from your girl until one night she calls you at 11:33 PM. You have to look at the screen twice to make sure you saw the right name. Now you’re worried because she never calls you. Obviously she must be in trouble. You call right back like the dutiful friend you are. She doesn’t answer. You play phone tag for a while until she writes a message on your facebook wall. “Call me now, woman.” Then, you see her tweet joining in on the #RelationshipsEndBecause trending topic. And then it all makes sense. The dude is gone so she has time for you again.
Instead of throwing salt in her wounds and replying to her tweet with “#RelationshipsEndBecause people forget they had friends before they had a boyfriend,” you call her back. She talks about how sad she is and cries. You’re not one to hold a grudge so you give her your best advice, and then say, “can’t wait,” when she promises to call you later in the week. You hope for the best but you know you won’t hear from her if they decide to make up.
Melissa Danielle is the founder of AmourAndApparel.com, a fashion and dating blog where affairs of the heart and closet meet. Follow her on Twitter: @MissyHartNYC.