As a woman in pursuit of freedom it’s also my responsibility to help other women become free. Knowing about about my reproductive health is VERY high on my list of priorities. If you’re a woman reading this and it’s not a top priority for you, I hope it is by the time you finish reading this. If it’s already a top priority for you, I hope these words encourage you to help another woman you care about make it hers.

Monday, I made my annual trip to the doctor for a women’s wellness exam. I wanted to get in all my visits since I turn 26 in a couple of months and will lost my health insurance at the same time. I’m not sure about other women, but I HATE going to the doctor for my annual pap smear. Despite the desire to completely avoid the whole process, I always go. The process of making the appointment, thinking about the appointment and going through the appointment can be taxing. Sitting on the table, placing your legs in the stir-ups and spreading your knees for the doctor or nurse can invoke anxiety and discomfort. Oftentimes, the professional performing the exam can make or break your experience.

Last year’s exam was absolutely horrible. The woman performing my exam was rude and didn’t appreciate me asking questions. I tend to ask a ton of questions, I believe in advocating for myself. It’s MY body, so why not? The office also outsourced all of its blood and STI testing, so I was told that I needed to go another office. The entire experience upset me so much. Since the age of 18, I’ve had regular exams. Many of them were performed at Planned Parenthood, and every one of them was a positive experience. Needless to say I will never ever go back to that office.

Last week's exam was the polar opposite, I had a great experience. Now of course there is no way to get around the discomfort of someone scraping a mascara brush sized swab across your cervix, but a friendly doctor can make a huge difference. This was my first time having my annual exam performed by a male physician. I was always wary of having a man who I wasn’t intimately involved with seeing my business. The experience could not have been better. When I walked back to his office, he was extremely welcoming and actually wanted to know about me beyond what was on my chart. I made sure to tell him about my hesitation with seeing a male physician and my prior experience with a poor exam. My occupation mentioned politics so by the end of our conversation, he was convinced that I would help him along with other DC residents get the federal vote! He even said, “Now if I do this well, you’re gonna get us a vote right?” I was laughing by the time I got to the table.

A female nurse was in the room the entire time, and the pap smear started and ended before I knew it. Right before we started the exam, the doctor explained to me that in lieu of a manual exam, he would use an ultrasound tool to view my uterus, cervix and ovaries. I was pleasantly surprised, I asked “You mean, I get to actually SEE my uterus?” I’m not sure why I was so excited, but I was! So this part of the exam required him to insert a tool that allowed him to check the health of my reproductive system. I was amazed by something that is pretty simple. He even told me which ovary was going to ovulate this month (weird right?!). The entire process was over in less than 20 minutes.

That 20 minute exam will test for HPV, a virus that can cause cervical cancer. It will also test for two of this countries most contracted STI’s, Chlamydia and Gonorrhea. I also made sure to get a blood test for HIV/AIDS.

I’ve never been more protective over my womanhood or felt more womanly in life than I do now. I have also never been more invested in helping other women enjoy the fullness of their womanhood. Taking care of our mental and physical health is essential to protecting our entire selves. I’m know not perfect when it comes to self-care, but I’m working on it. For women of color, there are two major things we often see as barriers; 1) Stigma’s attached with going to the doctor and 2) Financial costs associated with going to the doctor.

To tackle the first, we must start talking about our health and stop living in silence. When’s the last time you talked to your girlfriends, daughters or mothers about your health? To tackle the second we must seek out and connect our sisters to low-cost and free services. If you have insurance, ask another woman in your life if she can recommend a good gyno.

As the changes come into affect, health care reform will open up new doors for women by funding more preventative services, community health centers and lowering eligibility requirements for Medicaid. Just as with many progressive legislative victories in this country, there are attacks mounting up against them. Whether it’s a call for implementing the Hyde Amendment permanently or defunding Title IV services like those provided through Planned Parenthood, there is a war against women America. As a woman of color I know that I am not alone in personal struggles. As a woman I know that I not alone in my struggle to have the freedom to choose. Change must start within. As women, the best thing we can do is be advocates for ourselves (inside and outside the doctors office) and then go out and help our sisters do the same. Get informed, end the silence and make the choice to start today.

Still have questions about the Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act of 2010? Click here to read the Congressional Black Caucus Foundation report on “Understanding Health Care Reform.”

The featured image above is from the Black Women’s Health Imperative, the only organization devoted solely to advancing the health and wellness of America’s 19.5 million Black women and girls through advocacy, community health and wellness education and leadership development. The Imperative’s website provides a wealth of information, check it out!

Charlene Carruthers is an activist, writer and organizer. A native of Chicago, Charlene is seeker of freedom, love and justice. Her work has focused on working with communities of color and women to build personal and political power. She currently lives in Washington, DC, you can find her on twitter @NvrComfortable and at www.freedomlovejustice.com

When stress mounts for Stephanie Covington Armstrong, she catches herself before reaching for comfort food. Instead she chews over what's really bothering her. "Once I can identify that, then I'm quickly able to just shift," she told The Root. "I've gone through a lot of therapy, so I'm very aware if I'm on the road to practicing behavior that's unhealthy."

Armstrong's mindfulness is worlds away from the years during which she responded to anxiety by binge eating, followed by hunching over the toilet to vomit, abusing laxatives or taking three consecutive aerobics classes and then doing thousands of sit-ups. Like the estimated 4.2 percent of American women who suffer from bulimia nervosa at some point in their lifetime, Armstrong was gripped by an obsessive cycle of bingeing and purging.

As a black woman, she also reflects growing research that debunks the myth that bulimia is an affluent white girl's disease -- and shows that African Americans are actually more likely to suffer from the disorder.

Continue Reading at The Root

Recently I was talking with a guy I just met, and the issue of marriage was brought up. He expressed that he knows that he wants to be married; however, he doesn’t want to end up broke trying to get there! Having some inclination of the nature of his concern, I couldn’t help but ask probing questions to hear more. His concern was essentially the price tag comparable to a mortgage that accompanies present-day engagement and wedding rings, in addition to the wedding ceremony and reception.

A small study examining the causes of maternal mortality in New York City Women reveals African American women are much more likely to die from childbirth-related complications than any other ethnic group. Researchers point to lack of prenatal care as well as a dramatic increase in cesarean sections as possible causes.

If you want to improve the situation of women's health today, Guide to Healthcare Schools has listed some medical schools for your future career in medicine.

Study Details Causes of High Maternal Death Rates [TrustLaw]

Two weeks ago, 60 Minutes presented the story of Louis Allen, whose murder is being investigated under the FBI’s Cold Case Initiative. Five years ago, when the Bureau began the project, I was beginning my book, If Sons, Then Heirs, with a long-hidden lynching at its emotional center. Like the great-grandfather in my book, Mr. Allen was a law-abiding owner of his land and various businesses.

Allen’s tragedy began when he witnessed the murder of another black man by a white state legislator and was pressured not to tell. Unable to stand the silence, Allen did, in fact, talk to federal authorities. Soon after, the sheriff in Liberty - real name, Liberty, MS - came to drag Allen out of his house at night. He beat him, smashed and broke his jawbone with a flashlight, and took him to jail as Allen’s young son watched. Allen was released, but later murdered at the cattle gate to his land. His son found him there, under his truck.

This case and the thousands others we’ll never bring to justice really did and still do reverberate as what some psychologists are calling “racial battle fatigue,” by violating, without recourse, so many boundaries: the body, mind, and spirit of individuals and families, family privacy, security, and memory, community sense of viability and power. And land.

“Check your damn fences.” It’s how my character, King Needham, tried to talk to his family about their wholeness and integrity.

Like a feudal lord, Needham made himself in evidence everywhere on his land at all times. He and the boys and Selma and then Bobo, together with King’s brother Richard and his family, and Amos and Mary’s children who came to stay in summers, invested each acre with their presence: their ploughs, threshers, mills, hitches, wagons, and trucks; their homemade blacksmith operation; their mules and mare, the nanny goat and kids, the big brown-and-yellow milk cow the brothers share, the chickens that laid green-and-white pullet eggs; their voices, halloed over the machinery, improvised song in time to the implements and changed with the rhythm of the season; the stench of their fertilizer and the whiff of brown creek water that collected behind their sticks-and-stone dam and ran through ditches across the new orchard; the hum of bees there and in flowering vines that intersperse with brambles, and the hive boxes they installed at the edge of the South field. Whatever they could buy or claim, stamped Needham into each tidy corner.

Scholar Jan Carew calls it a “total war” that was waged on the post-Civil War generations: legal, cultural, and physical intimidation and force, up to and including, murder. Fifty years later, Louis Allen’s son still fights for his father’s case to be prosecuted, and my character’s voice reverberates in his great-grandson’s head. If we forget them, it’s like killing them twice:
As Rayne stepped between of fair-to-middling raised beds structures, King’s old phrases came to mind, almost as if Rayne had been there to hear them himself:
Know your boundaries, boys; what am I talking bout?

Before breakfast or after supper, Selma said, the towering King, his son who died in the war, and Jones traced the periphery of the land. In this way, eight or ten acres a day, they maintained each area. They policed the weeds, disrepair, insects, varmints, neighbors. By the end of the week, they’d circled the farm. Bobo remembered King carrying him on these jaunts as a toddler: in his arms, on his shoulders, in a sling over the big mare mule.

Gramma Bett used to say: Little by little hen drink the water.
A day off on Sunday and do it again.
Think with your feet boys, Bobo quoted him. Think with your eyes, boys, your ears; taste and see. We gonna notice what other men miss—Pay attention, boys!

It was the only way to keep the land.

It’s not only enough to remember how they died, but also how they lived. Louis Allen would not keep silent. The integrity of that gives us encouragement in our own times. And we need it, because in our communities and families, the injustice of these cases has not grown cold.


Lorene Cary’s new novel, If Sons, Then Heirs (Atria Books, April 2011), recounts a love story for our time while exploring a searing racial history that haunts—and impoverishes—its unforgettable characters. Publishers Weekly calls it: “an absorbing and moving tale.” Cary’s other books include: the best-selling memoir Black Ice, an American Library Association Notable Book for 1991 often taught in colleges and high schools; The Price of a Child, a 1995 novel chosen as the first One Book, One Philadelphia selection; Pride, a contemporary novel, and FREE! Great Escapes on the Underground Railroad, a collection of true-life stories for young readers, published in 2006.

Cary’s essays have appeared in publications including Newsweek, Time, Essence, and O Magazine. She lectures nationwide and has received five honorary doctorates. She also serves as president of the Union Benevolent Society.

Critically acclaimed documentarian Byron Hurt (Hip Hop: Beyond Beats & Rhymes) has chosen soul food as the subject of his latest film. Soul Food Junkies explores the African-American community's long relationship with soul food and it's effect on our health.

At first thought, soul food seems an unlikely foundation for an entire documentary, but we have to examine the root causes of the disproportionate rate of deaths from preventable diseases like heart disease, stroke, and diabetes in Black America.

The healthcare system is broken, but what are we putting in our bodies?

The comingling of patriarchy and white supremacy has produced a crop of blog posts and articles that devolved the "lonely black woman" trope into offensive comparisons of the values and presumed worth of white women versus those of black women.

These posts are written by and for Black women, and Clutch Magazine's Brande Victorian asks why we're so quick to cosign:

I think there is something inherently dangerous about making these sorts of comparisons. It’s not enough that blond hair and blue eyes are revered as the ideal standard of beauty by society as a whole, and that some black men will gladly step up and let everyone know why they prefer white women to loud, ghetto, hyper-independent black women, but now black women are telling one another to look up to white women as examples of how to be successful in relationships. What message are we sending ourselves when we make statements like, “white women are winning,” which implies we are losing?

Black blogs capitalize off of controversial yet harmful stereotypes of both groups. Hopefully the next time the mood strikes to contrast the plight of the downtrodden black woman with the victory of the virtuous white woman, we can stop and devise new themes that might move the conversation forward.

Black Women Are Drinking the Kool-Aid [Clutch]

As promised, here is the second of three parts in our "30 Black Women Bloggers You Should Know" series. It's our attempt to highlight the black women bloggers we admire and who don't get nearly enough shine.  If you missed it, check out Part 1.

Danielle Gray of The Style and Beauty Doctor - Want the inside scoop on celebrity style and makeup looks? Danielle's got you covered. In addition to maintaining her own blog, she's a regular contributor to Necole Bitchie, The Fashion Bomb, and Jones Magazine. Her blog is a one stop shop for the fashion and beauty obsessed, and there's always an affordable options for the budget styleaholics.

Arielle Loren of Ask Arielle Loren - Vlogger Arielle delves deep into gender, sex and sexuality with a series of videos. Her innovative Q&A format facilitates discussions on even the most taboo of topics. From orgasms to bisexuality and miscegenation, she leaves no stone unturned.

Nichelle Stephens of Keeping Nickels and Cupcakes Take The Cake-  Nichelle's personal finance blog offers advice on how to stay financially fit and news updates on latest advances in financial markets. And she's not only a blogger and a social media extraodinaire who manages high profile campaigns for major brands.

Corvida Raven of She Geeks - Black women may not be as visible in the world of tech, but rising superstars like Corvida Raven are representing us well. She blogs about the intersections of social media and technology. Her insights have made her sought after representative of the under 25 set.


Franchesca of Chesca Leigh - Prepare yourself to laugh out loud at the quirky antics of this dedicated YouTuber.  Her parodies of Rihanna and Nicki Minaj are sharp and witty. It's great to see Black women comedians creating their own spaces. (Now what will it take for mainstream media to catch on?)

Recently, The Root published a great piece on the 30 Black Bloggers You Should Know. The list was filled with a number of talented men and women who've made a mark on the blogosphere, but after the list was released, there was some concern that we only highlight the same two dozen or so faces every time there's talk about Black blogs. So here's a curated list of Black women bloggers you need to add to your RSS feed reader immediately.

The list is divided into 3 parts, so be sure to check back.


Lashanda Henry of SistaSense - If you spend your work day thinking of how you'll finally escape your cubicle for good, LaShanda Henry's blog is a must read. She's a successful solopreneur who shares the knowledge she's gleaned getting advice from her many online ventures. In addition to her SistaSense blog, she runs Black Business Women Online. A social network nearly 9000 women strong who come together to offer each other support and encouragement.

Rosetta Thurman of Happy Black Woman - Most of us are continually seeking to be our best selves, and this personal development blog could help you on your journey. Consistently updated with powerful reflections and self-affirmations, it's the ideal online destination for those days when the rainbow just isn't enough. Check out her 31 Day Reset Program for more in depth self-exploration.

Nichelle Gainer of Vintage Black Glamour & 55 Secret Street - Black women have not always been treated like queens. Nichelle's blogs are reminders that we have a history of beauty and glamour. With beauty tips and fashion advice, Nichelle shows us how to pamper our bodies. With the gorgeous photos of black women from eras gone by, you'll treat your soul.


Jamilah Lemieux of The Beautiful Struggler - Prepare to be challenged by the elegant, revealing prose you'll find on this blog. Jamilah fearlessly tackles a wide range of topics connected to African American lives and cultures. You'll leave her blog reevaluating the space you inhabit, and that's invaluable.


Joi Mckenzie of The Fab Empire - What were your favorite celebrities doing last night? Keep up with the comings and goings of the Black gliterati with this blog network that covers events nationwide.


Monica Roberts of TransGriot - On her blog, Monica battles the ongoing invisibility of African American transwomen. She's a trailblazer in the space for digital LGBT activism because she's willing to fight for equality head on.



Felicia Pride of The Backlist -  Felicia Pride uses the knowledge she's gleaned as a longtime author and creative professional to develop The Backlist -- an organization that creates dynamic content across a number of platforms. It's an essential resource for those looking to make a living or a difference in the industry.

Denene Millner of My Brown Baby -The author shares her insights on the ins and outs of raising African American children. Revealing her own trials and triumphs, Denene fosters an community of men and women dedicated to making the next generation as power it can be.


Glennisha Morgan of The Fembassy - New media has provided us unprecedented opportunities to share our stories. After recognizing a considerable lack of coverage on women artists in hip hop, Glennisha Morgan began what has become the preeminent source for information on femcees. Glennisha's site scored her a spot on the BET documentary My Mic Sounds Nice.


Michele Grant of Black 'n Bougie - Just like your oldest friend, Michele dishes unfiltered thoughts on all aspects of bougie life. Her tell-it-like-it-is posts will have you laughing until and it hurts, and you just might learn something.



Brittany of Clumps of Mascara - For those of us who weren't born beauty mavens, Brittany's in depth tutorials and reviews provide a lifeline to fab. She's one of the hardest working beauty bloggers who never fails to provide a the best options for brown girls.

I’ll always remember March 2008. It was the month when I made the choice to do the big chop. On that fateful day, my braiding stylist Roxanne snipped the perm out of my hair and I was left with an afro. I was not brave enough then to walk out in public with the style, so instead she gave me double strand twists.

I felt a mixture of liberation, pride and uncertainty when I left the salon that day. It marked the beginning of the end of my old belief system about my hair—that it was ugly, unsightly, and unmanageable—and the awakening of a new consciousness. It was the start of my natural hair journey.

Prior to making a commitment towards going natural, I made a vow to never perm my hair again. That was in 2006, the year I graduated from college in Boston. Although graduation was supposed to be one of the happiest times in my life, it was also one of the most traumatic when it came to my hair.

It all began when my mother asked if I could perm my hair straight to please my grandmother for graduation day. At the time I had my hair in braids but I was no stranger to perms. I had my hair permed throughout high school without any major problems so I thought this time around would be no different. I was wrong.

With my most trusted stylist out of the country, I was forced to find someone else to do my hair. That someone turned out to be a stylist in my hometown so I made a trip to New Jersey. The day of my perm, I went through the familiar ritual of having that magical white cream burn my scalp to alter the texture of my hair. But instead of leaving the salon with the bone straight hair I always came to expect, it was curved out into a dull, lackluster bob.

When I returned to Boston, my disappointment turned into panic as I started to sweat out the perm, making my hair revert back to its natural state. As a result, I made a visit to a second salon, at the recommendation of my roommate, which gave me a texturizer. The chemical treatment made my hair as straight as paper, which was finally the way that I wanted it to be but not without a price.

As I combed my hair the following day, I noticed some strands separate from my scalp with such ease that I started to worry about losing my hair. I felt so upset but there was nothing I could do but hope that a different salon could repair the damage and style my hair in time for graduation. So with only two days to go, I approached a third salon with my hair dilemma. Fortunately for me, they were able to give me a temporary fix and start my hair on the path to recovery. A feeling of relief finally settled in but I knew from then on that I would never perm my hair again.

Although I was determined to make perms a thing of the past, I was not ready to wear my hair natural long-term. After briefly sporting my hair in chunky twist outs, I went back to braided extensions. It was only in the winter of 2007 that I decided I needed a change.

Since I was back in New Jersey, I went to Roxanne and showed her a picture of a kinky curly weave that I thought would look perfect on me. Although she could not find an exact match, the one that she brought in on the day of my appointment was similar enough. As she sewed my first weave into my own braided hair, she made a comment which stuck with me for the rest of the day. “Your own hair kind of looks like this,” she said. At the time I could not see the resemblance. The only times I had seen my natural hair, at least as an adult, was between braiding appointments and it always looked a disheveled mess to me. But now a curiosity was awakened; I wanted to see what my hair would look like if I actually put some effort into wearing it natural.

Since I did not know the first thing about going natural, I decided to begin my research on the subject the rest of the winter. I discovered websites like Nappturality, MotownGirl.com, Afrobella and NaturallyCurly.com and eagerly absorbed all the information I could to prepare myself for the transition.

I learned about how to start the natural hair process, what types of products and styling tools to use, and how to properly care for afro-textured hair.

Despite all my new education, putting it into practice was an entirely different matter. I had to figure out what personally worked for me and that meant a lot of trial and error. Although I had already bought my styling tools, a wide tooth comb and a boar bristle brush, I was still confused as to which products to use. There were so many different recommendations on the internet that it was hard to narrow down the choices. I went through several before deciding upon a staple set comprised of a leave in conditioner, a curl cream and a frizz tamer.

Now I had the products and the tools I needed to take care of my hair but I was still experiencing the aftermath of the perm. I was suffering from severe breakage and struggling with two different hair textures, coily and wavy. My hair looked so awkward that I had to twist it to create a more consistent curl pattern. By March 2008 I was so tired of all the twisting and broken hair that I decided to finally do the big chop.

It was only after I had my perm cut out that I truly discovered how to manage my hair. There was a quiet sense of joy inside knowing that I had accomplished a task which I once thought was impossible. I no longer felt my hair was too difficult to deal with or too unkempt to show off to the world.

Despite my budding confidence, I still had reservations about wearing it in a full-blown afro. I felt subconscious about being perceived as militant or unattractive but deep down inside I wanted to do it. I did not want to be ashamed to wear my hair in its most natural state so the following year I decided to occasionally wear it in an afro.

I first wore my hair in an afro in April 2009 while meeting up with a friend in New York. I felt a little self-conscious but I would remind myself that this was New York, a city where anything goes in terms of hair and style. I had already made the choice to step outside with an afro so I was going to wear it like I owned it.

But first I had to cast the remnants of my lingering unease aside. Unbeknownst to me, I would soon get the burst of courage I needed from a young black girl I encountered in a McDonalds. She was probably around six or seven years old with deep brown skin and double strand twists. “You have beautiful hair,” she said with a smile. I blushed out of shock but then composed myself enough say thank you. In that moment I felt the little girl had given me a gift to embrace my natural hair a little bit fuller and realize that regardless of what anyone says or thinks my hair, with all its kinks and coils, is indeed beautiful.

Andrea is a freelance writer and founder of the blog Soul Sassy. She writes about race, gender and popular culture.

Spend enough time on Twitter and you'll begin to see patterns. There's a minority community on the social networking site, to which many affectionately refer to as "Black Twitter," and we have a strange habit of entertaining the same debates over and over again.

About once a month the subect of college arises, and the general consensus seems to be college isn't or everybody. I strongly disagree, but I can't argue that the financial consequences of attending a college you can't afford are dire.

Historically, Black America has been plagued by low credit scores which diminish prospects for upward mobility. Scholars point to conspicuous consumption of unnecessary material goods as the culprit, but now the middle class dreams of African Americans may be unattainable because of a desire for higher education.

Most of us ridicule our "hood rich" cousins for their wasteful spending, but most students have done nothing for which they should be ashamed. Though we know what we're doing when we buy jewelry or shoes instead of paying rent, we, frequently, do not bring the same understanding to (co)signing high interest loans.

If you thought the mortgage crisis was bad, wait until we have a generation of 30 and 40 somethings who can't afford homes and cars because of predatory student loans. And now this country's reckless fiscal conservatives support cuts to Pell grants and low interest federal loans that will hit us hardest. Republicans find ways to demonize every low income/minority group, so this fight that will undoubtedly exclude many groups from higher education is pitiful though somewhat expected.  One has to wonder how our President can hope to advance such an ambitious vision for America's future without considering how out of reach secondary school has become for many Americans.

To be clear, the looming student loan crisis crosses racial boundaries, but as in all socioeconomic matters, when the majority culture gets a scratch, we end up in a full body cast.


Corporate greed has made higher education a Sophie's Choice when in reality it should be quite simple. Forgoing secondary education limits your job choices and earning potential; however, being saddled with mountains of unmanageable debt inhibits your ability to live comfortably. But instead of rejecting college completely, now more than ever we have to foster a commitment to financial literacy.

This may require steering students away from expensive for profit and private colleges, and it certainly compels debt counseling and community support.

Kimberly Foster (@kimberlynfoster) is the Editor-in-Chief of For Harriet.

In this year's State of the Union Address, President Obama expressed a commitment to providing Americans with the resources and education that will propel the country back to its position as a leader of industry. STEM (science, technology, engineering, and mathematics) education is a primary component of The Whitehouse's plan.

In the past 20 or 30 years, the world's greatest digital creations have come out of the United States, but the founders of the largest tech companies are conspicuously similar. While advocating a better equipped work force, the President neglected to mention the underlying societal issues that contribute to world of technology being dominated by white men.

I know we are still in April, but I am super excited about May. In May I will be celebrating three years of being single and celibate! This is a huge milestone for a past serial monogamist. I recently had a conversation with my barber, and of course she and I were discussing men.

She was telling me about her men woes, and as usual I was nodding, listening, and throwing in some well timed "uh huhs." As the conversation progressed, I revealed to her that I have been single and celibate for almost three years. And as she was cutting my hair, she stopped, put the clippers down, put both of her hands on my shoulders, and said, "I feel so sorry for you!" I was not expecting that type of response. I was both tickled and shocked by the dramatics of it all.

RELATED: Reclaiming Your "It" Factor

In a culture that makes its living profiting off of making Black women feel inadequate and less than if they're boo-less, I understand my choosing to be single and proclaiming my choice can be considered radical to some. It was not easy to choose me when my society tells me I am not worthy if I stand alone. The very reason I tarried in the relationship so long was because for the first time in forever I was going to be single and I was clueless!

I remember the episode in Sex and the City when Charlotte screams out, "I've been dating since I'm fifteen. I'm exhausted!" Granted I haven't been dating since I was 15, but the sentiment was still very much the same for me. I was tired. I had spent so much time trying to be everything that a man would want to take home to his mother that I had lost my own identity and no longer knew who I wanted to be for me.

I only knew myself within a unit and I didn't even recognize my reflection as an individual. I needed an intervention. I, Lutze, needed to intervene on the behalf of Lutze and save myself! I set out on a journey to re-create and reclaim my organic self. I realized that if I wanted the type of love and relationship that I desired that I needed to love myself fiercely and unconditionally!

I took myself out of the dating scene completely. I was "in repair" and I had my work cutout for me. I decided that I also needed to abstain from sex. Emotionally I was a mess, and I didn't think it would have been wise of me to engage sexually with anyone when my emotions and sense of self was in the toilet. I needed to take these drastic measures in order to find my happy.

As women we are constantly bombarded with messages that tell us we need to be fluent in man and that we need to learn the rules of the "dating game," but no one ever tells us or encourage us to stay out of the game sometimes and focus on our star player which is ourselves.

I turned all of my attention inward and found a love so incredible, so complete, and unconditional. The bitter sweet thing is that it was within me all along.

At one point, I was becoming a bag lady and although my bags were cute it was still baggage. There is power and saving grace in solitude. Happy and single are not mutually exclusive. I intervened on my behalf will you do the same for yourself?

Lutze Segu is a blogger who blogs on her site TheFeministGriote.com. She is 20-something-year-old who is passionate about pop-culture, politics, and all things related to women. A strong ally of the LGBTQIA community whose navigating this world armed with love & light all while balancing being a Haitian-American hybrid.

Entrepreneurship is the new power move for Black women. The number of black women enrolling in business courses is steadily rising.

Disenchanted with corporate glass ceilings and inflexible work schedules that make caring for children and aging parents a nightmare, increasingly Black women are starting their own businesses.

September 2010 was an awesome month for me. Wait! Let us back track. The entire year of 2010 was an awesome year for me. 2010 is the year that I decided to live on purpose. This was the year that I made it a point to not make sense. Does that make sense? I made wonderful bonds with friends that I will have for a lifetime. I strengthened the love that I have for family and friends. I repaired broken friendships even. There is no need to say names. My friends complete who I am.

I started the year off bumpy. Like many, I had a generic New Year’s Eve resolution. Mine were so silly that I cannot even remember what they were. Not until March did it hit me. I wasn’t living. LIVING?! I was going through personal issues that I allowed to stunt my growth. I decided to make a change.

So I up and moved from the midwest. It brings me much joy to say it outloud. Just up and moved. Whatever didn't fit in my car I didn't take it. The East Coast is my new home. Why do you ask? Because I want too, and I can.

I set my life up for this moment. For example, I was an outstanding student in high school. I made the decision as a 16 year old girl (key word GIRL) to live on my own in an entirely different state from any sort of parental guidance. In fact, I was homeless as a teenager. Not until I was an adult could I admit that to anyone. I made that decision not because I wanted to, but because I had to. I knew the sacrifices that I made were going to pay off. They did. I received a full academic scholarship to college. There again I set myself up for this move. All of this was done on purpose. I knew the power of education. So now, I have the leisure of packing up and moving knowing that I can secure a job anywhere that I want.

I need everyone to pay attention to what’s happening in my life. There are few coincidences. I said to anyone that would listen that I was about to change. My character and personality would remain the same. The change that I was speaking about was the change of my actions. I wanted to act different, so I did just that. I no longer wanted to make sense to everyone else. I no longer wanted to have step 1, 2, and 3 meticulously mapped out. Most of my family and friends can tell anyone who asks. I have the “it” factor. There is no doubt about it. I can achieve anything that I put my mind up to. Success has never been at a distance. The change led me to one of the greatest gifts that I will ever receive. A trip of a lifetime with Oprah and 302 amazing people.

The day that I found out Oprah was retiring I cried my eyes out. I had to be consoled by too many close friends to count. I sat on my living room floor as a 25 year old woman and wept. Sure, people made fun of me. To me Oprah retiring represented so much more. When I was a young woman and there was no skype or internet chat, Oprah was the face that I saw every day. My mother was not. She taught me life lessons. One of the biggest lessons that I learned was watching a show and she told a little girl who had been struggling with self esteem issues to hold her head up. She told her that her head being held high was like smiling. She also went on to tell her that she came from an ancestry of African kings and queens and to always remember that. The girl held her head up and smiled. As an adolescent, I had a chipped tooth. Often times I was ashamed to smile. Kids can be cruel even when they don’t intend to scar you. Oprah made me hold my head high. There are many times to this day when I feel down even when I can’t smile, I make sure that I am staring you right in the eye.

It all came so sudden. I was at home. After months talking to my friends about how I was no matter what going to make it on the show, I wrote a letter. It poured from my heart. I sat on my floor at home and shared my inner most personal thoughts about this woman that impacted me so dearly. None of it was made up. I pressed send. Less than a week later I got a response. First, it was a call. I missed it. Then, I received a follow-up email. The woman happened to be named Shelly out of all names ask why hadn’t I called her back. I told her if I knew that someone from the Oprah Show was calling, “I would have answered from my mother’s funeral!” So I went. Not only did I win a trip, but I hugged her. #faint

I deserved the trip. I paid my dues. Respect was given and returned. I deserved the trip because it was mine to have. I claimed it before I knew it existed. Once again, I note that I set myself up for this. Once I made my mind up that I was going to live so much fell into place. Talk about speaking things into existence.

I learned so much in those 10 days being a part from my comfort zone. I learned that If you have never been anywhere you don’t have the perspective needed to view the world through others eyes. I took from the trip that it is time to let go of everyone’s DREAMS and DREAM for myself! Wow. What an “Aha” moment to have.

I also learned that the happiness that I have is a direct reflection of my heart. Yes, that’s an Oprah quote. What a life changing experience I have. I am forever grateful. I want to stress that it truly changed who I am. Shocked me to the core. I no longer have the patience for doubt and stagnancy. It is not who I am. I have a purpose in life and I intend to find it. SOON! In this move to the east coast I am not taking belongings. Whatever doesn’t fit in my car, I don’t need it. I am taking what means the most to me: health, mind, and spirit. None of these can be broken. All of these are consistent to who I am.

On the trip I met my Renata. I can say that I am in love for the very first time. Love is a powerful emotion that I have been missing. I love my family and friends with all my heart. To be in love is a separate effect. I now can proudly say that I know how it feels. Let me also say this: Question yourself. If you met someone who came and turned your world upside down, embraced you for exactly who you are, and promised to be your all are you ready for it? I mean truly ready today?

I am following my instincts on this one. I am preparing for the future. It looks bright. I again told everyone that would listen that after all these years I was ready for love. So when it happened I 100% embraced her. She is wonderful. She is everything that I expect her to be. We are meant to be. As it should be. She accepts me for exactly who I am. It feels good. I can now as a mature adult handle the emotions of love and all that is has to offer. Most of all I appreciate her. As woman. As mother. As a lover.

My name is Honey Bii and I am the self proclaimed voice to the black lesbian community. I am a young ambitious go getter. I am looking forward to building an audience that appreciates my content of substance. My goals are to inspire, teach, and learn. You can visit my blog at JustAskHoneyBii.blogspot.com

While tuning in to my favorite radio station a few days ago, I heard the song Back and Forth by the popular 80's group Cameo.  I immediately reflected on the dating patterns of men; not all, but many of them.  I thought of the men who engage in sexual relationships simultaneously between their present girlfriend, ex-girlfriend, and yes, the mother or mothers of their kids.  And please don’t forget about the men who proceed "back and forth" between any female who will allow them the opportunity to have sex. Yes, I went there! 

You cannot discuss the men without reflecting on the many sisters who are well aware of the behavior but allow it to continue.  But what I have witnessed, this degrading behavior excites many of them and gives them a sense of accomplishment because they feel as though they’ve got somebody sprung.

I’ve heard women say, “He can’t get enough of me! That’s why he can’t let go!” Yeah, he's sprung alright.  He's so sprung he cannot wait to get his hands on you; he's so sprung he envisions you while making love to his wife or girlfriend.  He's so sprung that he refuses to allow you the opportunity to move forward in a new relationship even though he has done so himself.  Notice how each scenario does not reference true love or long-term relationships? Don’t get me wrong, if you are HAPPILY involved in a back and forth relationship, of course this does not apply to your situation.  I am referring to the many sisters who seek full-filling and committed relationships but find themselves entangled and unable to set themselves free.

Logically speaking, if he was truly into you, you would have been a married woman long ago.  And if not married, at least engaged. Truth is, he IS sprung. But he is not sprung enough – enough to introduce you to his parents and other family members; enough to invite you on his job to parade around the office and introduce to his colleagues; nor is he sprung enough to stroll you down the isle and ask for your hand in marriage.  No, he is definitely not that sprung!

Just as President Bush misused 9/11 to attack Iraq, some women misuse the back and forth behaviors of men to boost their self-esteem and self-confidence.  This behavior should not empower you.  It should motivate you to send a strong dictum that we will not allow men to carry on several sexual relationships at once –endangering our health both physically and emotionally.

If you were not aware, let me inform you of the facts. Overlapping relationships in the African-American community is a large contributor to the increase of newly diagnosed HIV cases among Black women.  According to the Centers for Disease Control, 70% of all newly diagnosed HIV cases are Black women and HIV/AIDS is the number cause of death for African-American women ages 25-34.   We allow men to go "back, back, forth and forth" just as Cameo.  A study conducted by the University of North Carolina shows Black men are more than twice as likely as White men to have multiple female partners simultaneously.
 
I realized during a recent conversation with one of my best friends, Kimberly, how passionately I feel about this topic – the constant rise in newly diagnosed HIV cases in Black women.  We were discussing men and their resistance to committed relationships when my voice began to rise.  She finally said, "Mekee, calm down!"  My voice had risen to a level where I was almost yelling.  I responded, "If White women were dying at this rate from this disease there would be more people yelling like me!"

Soon after this conversion, I realized that I have work to do – empower Black women.  Empower my Sisters to raise their confidence and self-esteem so they are able to recognize this demeaning behavior of overlapping relationships and remove themselves from the equation because the newly diagnosed HIV cases are not adding up properly.  We are getting the short end of the stick. Yes, we are dying while the world sits back and watches. 

My message to sisters is simple - stop the madness! The madness of allowing this unhealthy behavior to continue in our personal relationships.  We should strive to progress forward Ladies; not back and forth. 

Mikki Zimmerman is a writer, Louisiana native and proud sports-crazed member of the "Who Dat Nation" - supporting the New Orleans Saints since the age of 8. She is an animal lover, preferable cats and dogs, who is a dreamer with a HUGE imagination. Currently she is a graduate student working towards an MBA with a concentration in Marketing. Her first book - Can I Get a Witness? 21 Frustrations of Black Women (Including Me) is available online @ Xlibris.com, Amazon.com or by calling 888-795-4174.

When people say unfounded blanketed statements like; Hip hop is dead or hip hop isn’t what it used to be, it baffles me. Assuming that these people were ever hip hop fans, it makes absolutely no sense.

I’ve also noticed people in my demographic (late 20’s to early 30’s) saying that they’ve outgrown hip hop music and that the music that is being played on the radio and on popular video shows is whack, materialistic, disrespectful to women, etc. But, how can you give up on a whole art form because of a few artists that offend you and how one outgrows a type of music, I will never understand.

In this digital world we live in it is easier than ever to search and find amazing music. With the click of your mouse you can download (free) music right onto your lap top or home PC and now you can even put it in an online digital music locker (word to Amazon Cloud). You can also just listen to the radio and download some top 40 hits from iTunes. The choice is all yours.

I’m sticking by hip hop. I grew up on it. I love it (queue I Used to Love H.E.R.). As I grow and change I just find more and more hip hop music that I like. Whereas when I was younger I trusted television and the radio to introduce me to new artist, now I have discovered the wide world of independent hip hop via the internet and I am amazed at all the great diverse hip hop music that is being made available to the masses right now. The internet truly has opened doors for so many artists to shine (OFWGKTA) and for us to get to enjoy their sounds.

Yes, some rap/music is misogynist, violent and sexually exploitive but it’s always been that way. Luckily, we live in a society where we can choose what we listen to and before someone starts touting the greatness and positive nature of hip hop of yore; stop and check your facts. There has always been hip hop music that was negative, yep even in the 80’s and 90’s which most refer to as the golden age. I guess y’all don’t remember NWA? What about Too Short or Bitches With Problems, who lyrically sang about the annoyance of guys who could not last more than two minutes in the sack?

And of course on the flip side there was Tribe Called Quest, Poor Righteous Teachers, Brand Nubian, etc.

Hip hop, just like any other art form, it has a variety of messages, tones, and interpretations.


We should give hip hop music room to grow, change and make mistakes. We should support an art form that was created and continues to be dominated by young black lyricist whose dreams and sometimes nightmares are being poured out over beats and sampled tracks.

I recognize that everything isn’t for everybody but I challenge you ex hip hop heads to pull out your back packs, rediscover and take witness to what is going on with hip hop today.

Candace Tyler is a writer and social media enthusiast. She writes short stories, trade magazine article, and flash fiction She has lived all over the United States but calls the Washington DC area home. Her works has been featured in the Just Like A Girl, Woman's Work, Urban Code, and other online and print publications. Candace is very imaginative and enjoys reading, yoga and occaisionally updating her blog: www.chocolatemilkdc.com.