I recently had a conversation with a young black female friend of mine who declared that, “If you are a black woman who wants to marry a black man, you will always have to settle.” I have just about heard everything that could be said about the state of the black man/black woman relationship dynamic, but for some reason this statement damn near took my breath away. I think I was mostly taken aback by the shear honesty and veracity of the statement.

What I found so interesting about the statement and the conversation that followed, is that the “settling” that my friend referred to is multifarious. We often look at settling in terms of marrying or dating someone who is not equally yoked educationally, financially, socially etc. But this conversation illuminated the fact that ambitious, intelligent, successful black women who marry ambitious, intelligent and successful black men are often forced to take the backseat in their relationships once they marry. They ultimately settle for a lesser position or role in their professional and even their private lives. Michelle Obama is a prime example. In his memoir Dreams of My Father, Barack Obama discusses the fact that Michelle was often upset by the fact that she was forced to change her schedule and alter her professional life because Barack was off pursuing his political career, while she was forced to spend an inequitable amount of time managing their household and ultimately compromised her professional career.

Now, I know that there are men who are supportive and caring in all races, but let’s keep it real, how many black men would be willing to sacrifice their careers for their wife’s ambitions? The inequities that exist within the relationships of educated couples might be universal and attributed to our sexist culture, which puts men's aspirations above women's aspirations. However, I think that the inequity in black relationships is often more pronounced because black manhood has a much more rigid definition. How many black men would quit their job as Vice President of a major hospital to travel around the country supporting their wife’s lofty (lets be real, I don’t even think Michelle thought he was going to win) goals of becoming President. Is it possible to have a relationship where both husband and wife are equally successful, or are black women more likely to sacrifice their careers for their families?

Let’s take a cursory look at Oprah and Condoleeza Rice; they are/were the two most powerful black women in the world and they are both unmarried. In fact an unusually high number of black female congressional representatives are unmarried compared to their white counterparts. And if we were to do a survey of powerful black men’s wives, we would find that many of these men are married to women who are either housewives, or they have careers that pale in comparison to their husbands. Just think about famous/successful men that you know…who are their wives without their husbands? I cannot think of many black relationships that are truly equal. Successful black women are either with less successful men, or they are with men who are more successful, and as a result they end up living in the shadow of their husbands.

As women we have to be careful to not suspend or abandon our dreams for the men in our lives. We must be in relationships with people who will support our ambitions and will be just as willing to make sacrifices as we are. Striking this balance is not impossible, but it can only be achieved if we are clear about what our dreams and aspirations are and if we do not allow anyone to compromise our resolve to achieve our dreams, even our husbands.

Rochee Jeffrey is a pop culture addict, new media consultant, and screenwriter. She is an avid blogger and shares her opinions about everything from pop culture, fashion, relationships, sexuality and life on her personal blog www.ithastobesaid.com. Hailing originally from Jamaica, she balances and navigates two distinct cultures through her writing and life. As a devout feminist, she strives to empower women through her writing and advocacy. Feel free to follow her on twitter @ithas2besaid.

Tis the season for cooking, cleaning, stressing, going broke, seeing folks you would rather not be related to and generally being stressed out. The holiday season already carries a great deal of emotion with it, from the feeling we get when the weather changes, to anticipating visitors, both welcomed and otherwise, emotions tend to run high around this time of year. For all the season’s greetings, we have so much on our plates sometimes that it’s hard to find the cheer in this season. But there are a number of ways to reduce your stress levels this time of year and really enjoy the season for what it is.

Housekeeping

This may not be a big deal for some, who have the money to hire people in to clean and get things organized, but for the rest of us, this can be a huge stressor. Starting early and creating lists can be a great stress reliever in the long run. Creating a list for house cleaning and completing each task can give you a sense of accomplishment and organization. Come up with a family cleaning plan for the holiday season, dividing the jobs between those in the family and holding them to their jobs. Of course this will require a team effort mentality, but if done properly can not only decrease your stress levels, but the levels of those who live with you.

Cooking

The best way to ensure stress free cooking this holiday season is to divide the tasks among family members. There is no reason in the world why one family should be responsible for feeding every single person in a large family. So make it a requirement that everyone brings a dish. Sit down and go over the dishes being made to ensure that all will enjoy what is being served. This will give everyone a sense of inclusion and at the same time free you up to relax and enjoy your family and friends. Early grocery shopping is another way to get a feeling of organization and accomplishment. Collecting coupons on items that you will need for the season can free up money for other unexpected items that come about this time of year. Utilize your freezer when preparing meals early, including items for large family meals.

Decorating

Now this is the one I had to learn from my mother. Every year, after Christmas, my mother would go out and purchase a ton of Christmas decorations. For the longest time I thought she was insane for doing this. Now that I have children and a home to decorate, it all makes perfect sense. The decorations are almost free right after Christmas, which gives you a better selection to choose from and also allows you to obtain a larger quantity of materials. Hitting those stores after the holiday is a wonderful way to let off some holiday steam and at the same time, get the preparation started for the following year.

Setting people straight

This last tip is the most important of all. The only way you are going to have a stress free holiday is to get some people put in line early. Its best to have a family meeting, letting people know exactly what you are expecting of them for this holiday season and what you will and will not put up with. Be honest with yourself and with your family about who you want to deal with and who you don’t and most importantly, create a safe place to retire to, in case of drama during the season. A place you can escape to and gather your thoughts, so that you can keep your composure in dealing with those who can be a bit trying.

These are just a few tips that have helped me through the holiday seasons for the past several years. I hope you all find them helpful and use them in the coming days to protect your sanity in this holiday season. And if all else fails, make sure the liquor cabinet is stocked!
Happy Holidays!

Michelle is a Midwestern girl, with a Southern heart and a bit of an eccentric streak running through her. Along with being a wife and mother of 2, she also wears the hats of student, counselor, life coach,cook, friend and occasional matchmaker, all while keeping a Zen like approach to life and all that comes with it. Balance and comedy are the keys to keeping life interesting and livable and she has ALMOST mastered both.

As I was reading a recent Washington Post piece entitled “Blacks struggle with 72 percent unwed mothers rate,” I found that it raised some excellent questions about the modern Black mother.

Namely being this one: Is she destined to raise her child single?

Let me first of all be completely honest with everyone and not get on some pedestal that I myself have slipped off of. I had my daughter out of wedlock. My current husband and I were not married when I got pregnant and had to sit down and figure out what to do. As my mother always said, “every child is a blessing,” which is exactly why I chose to have my daughter with the knowledge that I may have to raise her by myself if things didn’t work out with my current husband.

So, he who is without sin cast the first stone.

However, I do feel like we (including myself) as modern Black women need to ask ourselves some very difficult questions about who we have children with and what we want for our children.

Blacks outpace all other races in this category, and it’s not one we should be proud of. But, where does the blame lie? Women. Men. Both.

I can’t help but put most of the blame on us as women.

Many of you may shout out in disgust, but I have to put the responsibility on us because we are the ones producing these children out of wedlock. We are the ones who choose to lay our standards so low that the result is “baby daddies” who are non-existent in their children’s lives.

As my mama also always said, “Men will only treat you as badly as you allow them to.” And, apparently we have let our men treat us very badly.

We have consistently lowered our bar and allowed men to treat us as badly as they see fit and never demanded more from them, so why should they give us more? I see it time after time with friends, girlfriends and just stories that I hear. Women so desperate to find and have a sexual relationship with “a man” that they don’t care who that man is or much less what kind of father he will be.

The larger issue at hand here is also the idea of unprotected sex. In order to have these children, we are putting ourselves at risk by having unprotected sex. It is therefore no coincidence that 72% of Black children are born out of wedlock and that Black women make up 60 percent of all AIDS cases reported.

We cannot continue to sleep with men we barely know to appease some kind of sense of self-worth. We cannot, as mothers, continue to let our men slide by with the title of “baby daddy” and have no responsibility when it comes to raising their children or marrying us.

If you did make a mistake and wouldn’t in a million years actually marry the man who impregnated you, what in the hell would make you think he would be a good father?

My apologies for my harsh language, but we really have to be smarter about this. If he isn’t good enough for you, he for damn sure is not good enough for your unborn child.

When you choose to have unprotected sex with a man, these are the things you have to think of. Would this man make a good father? Am I absolutely sure he is disease free and is faithful to me? If not, use some self control and use a condom.

Better yet, don’t have sex with him. Be choosier about who you sleep with. I’m not just preaching to others but also to myself. I didn’t always make the smartest decisions in life. Lord knows I didn’t! So, it’s by the grace of God that I’m here today. I did, however, only have unprotected sex unless I was in a committed relationship with a man because that was the absolute standard for me.

As women, we need to have absolute standards or else we’ll just continue to waiver from them.

I am not willing to give up on us as Black women. But, I am ready to stop making excuses for us and our race. We need to demand more from our community, and it starts at home.

If Black women are truly the backbone of our community, we need to start taking some responsibility for the struggles of our community. Once we start with fixing our families, maybe then some of the other major challenges of our Black community will slowly begin to disappear.

Until then, I’m taking a stand on unprotected sex, choosing our partners more wisely and not giving our children half of what they need to help them become productive, well-adjusted members of society.

Chavon Carroll is a married, 27-year-old mother of a boisterous and funny 4-year-old with a flair for the dramatic. Beyond her two full-time jobs as wife and mother, she also oversees all donor communication for a large arts and cultural organization in Charlotte, North Carolina. Chavon grew up as the youngest of four children in a small, urban Northwest Indiana city with a strong, intelligent and omnipresent black mother of her own whose sudden death five years ago forever changed the fabric of her family. Chavon knows much of her beliefs and own mothering style is shaped in large part by her mother’s influences, and looks forward to sharing the ups, downs and in betweens of motherhood with other women navigating the long journey of Modern Black Motherhood.

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We're going to be doing some behind the scenes work at For Harriet, The Culture, and Voices Lifted, so updates at the site will be sparse until next week. Until then, take a minute to catch up on some of our most popular and most talked about articles.

UPDATED: Reporter Jawn Murray Calls Black Women "Militant" and "Nappy-Headed"
Black Like Me: When Being Light-Skinned Isn't A Privilege
Filmmaker Makes Documentary Exploring Sexual Terrorism at Spelman and Morehouse
The Most Inspiring Black Women on Twitter Part 2 and Part 3
If It Isn't Love: Don't Make Excuses for A Love That's Not Right For You
The Best Black Female Characters in Television History
Portrait of a Siditty Negro Artist as Tyler Perry
Living With Bipolar Disorder: One Black Woman Shares Her Story
When Did Black Women Start Hating Black Men
Here We Go 'Round the Mulberry Bush: Why Lowering Your Standards Doesn't Work

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Dear Coach Mari:

Yesterday, me and my boyfriend, 28, had an argument leading to a physical fight. We have fought from time to time in the past, but it seems like it is becoming more frequent. I know you will probably say get rid of him but I know that I provoke a lot of the fights by criticizing him because he doesn’t have a job and he is not contributing to our household. I’m the one who works and my job doesn’t pay very much so we do without a whole lot of things. He takes care of our children while I’m working. Plus, he has now accused me of not being faithful and believing our six month old daughter is not his. My son, three years old, loves his daddy and they have a beautiful relationship. I want him to grow up with a man in the house. I come from a household where everybody yelled and screamed about everything, so I’m used to it, but Mari, I don’t want to continue with this. I do love this man, but I want us to be like we were when we first met.

Signed: Uncertain
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Uncertain:

Run, do not walk, to your mirror and hug yourself. Look yourself straight in the eyes and tell yourself how beautiful, wonderful and worthwhile you are. Keep doing this, day after day, if necessary until you honestly begin to appreciate who you are and what you bring to this world. Celebrate you, and ask yourself why would you allow anybody to treat you with anything less than respect and dignity.

Food for thought: You’re supporting a grown, 28 year old boy who should be working to support you and your two children. In no way, shape or form is he a man. Men do not slap women who criticize them for not supporting their families. Men do not live off women. Men do not lay back and babysit children while the woman goes out and works her behind off in snow, sleet and rain. A real man does everything to provide for his own, working how ever many jobs it takes.
More food for thought: Because you grew up in an atmosphere where anger was the accepted norm, you’ve become almost immune to it. Almost. You’re noticing that his behavior is escalating, and I believe you’re also becoming fearful, although you didn’t specifically say so. When you stay in this situation and allow him to do this, you unconsciously give your consent to this behavior. You become an enabler and share in the responsibility for any consequences that follow. Consider this: How far will he go the next time? When do you get knocked unconscious or worse? What example is he setting for a three year old child growing up in a house-hold where this dysfunctional nonsense is normal? And if he stays, what effect will this have on your daughter, as she deals with the toxicity that comes from a father who doesn’t accept her as his own?

Your choices are quite simple: a) Stay and accept the consequences for what he might do. b) Take a good, long break from this relationship. Actively seek out family, friends, acquaintances and agencies, anything or anyone that can provide you with immediate assistance; c) actively seek counseling, therapy or coaching to get control of this situation before it spirals completely out of control. I would say, d) ask him to leave, but I somehow doubt he will do that willingly.

One last thought: You have a dream for a relationship that sparkles and glitters and glows and perhaps that’s what you had when you first met. Right now, your dream is increasingly becoming a nightmare and your thoughts should be geared more towards safety than wanting things to be like they were.

You do want the best for yourself and your family. However, until you learn to love you and want only the best for yourself and your children, your “Happy Ending” isn’t in sight.

Coach Mari

Mari Lyles is one of the metropolitan D.C.’s area's leading Certified Life/ Relationship coaches. A graduate of two prestigious schools, Institute for Professional Excellence in Coaching (IPEC) and the international Relationship Coaching Institute (RCI), Mari turned fifteen years of counseling/mentoring talents into a satisfying career coaching women on life and dating and mating issues, based upon RCI's patented relationship program, "Conscious Dating," wherein women take power over their romantic lives.

Got a question for Mari to answer? Send them to features@forharriet.com

, f
I am a married woman and I believe in the whole forever thing. Marriage may be not be all sweetness and light and in truth, most partners experience downtimes in their relationships. Still, I think the vows of marriage are to keep a couple loving each other for better of worse. While a woman should be free to leave an abuser or a cheat as the case may be. I think there are reasons to rethink leaving a partner so easily when the down times come in a marriage. Below are some of them.

1 - You'll be better person in so many ways.

Partners who are smart, honest and share their opinions and outlook with their spouses will improve them. They will challenge you on so many levels and this will bring out the best in you. There are the sayings that two heads are better than one and about iron sharpening iron, and they are true in a marriage. Spiritually, intellectually and all of the other -allys considered, the only way is up. Being married grounds you in a different way from just taking care of yourself. This is even more so when the children begin to come. You learn one of the best attributes of life, self sacrifice and commitment.

2- You'll be much happier and healthier.

When you marry a person you are compatible with, the chances are very high that you’ll be happier than you were when you were single. No man is an island. Most of us have been biologically and socially engineered to want a partner. This desire when attained will in the right conditions continue to yield fruits of happiness. Apart from that is the matter of spending lots of time with someone who cares for you, and who makes you happy. This is a major boost to your self esteem and will probably spill over to other aspects of your life, making you take more joy out of things you may not had even considered otherwise. Statistics have shown that this happiness translates to better health for married people and may even contribute to them living longer lives.

3 - You'll have more and better sex

Yes you can quote me on this one, lol. There are also statistics to back me up. Most single people get little or no sex, especially when they are abstaining or are not in relationships. Even when hooked up, because relationships which do not quickly lead to marriage tend to break up after a while, many singletons experience long dry spells with no sex. This is not the case when married. While you may not make love every day of every week, you do get your regular doses and lovemaking being one of those activities that gets better with practice; you will definitely see an improvement and more enjoyment with time as you both learn each other, your likes and your dislikes.

4 - You'll be more attractive

Married people tend to take more care with their appearances, not just to please their spouses but because of the boost that comes with being happier and getting regular doses of the chemicals released when someone has lots of sex. Anecdotes abound of men who say they begin to get hit on by women after they get married and the same goes for women. You are cleaner, take more care of yourself, begin to use the appropriate hygiene products you may have disregarded in the past and possibly you are also trying to keep fit and in shape at the local gym or in quality time with your spouse.

5 - You'll be married to the father of your children

Let’s be honest here and tell ourselves the truth. There may be so many other ways and circumstances in which to have children and bring them up these days but experts still agree that the best way is in households with two parents in a committed relationship. There is a special joy in working together with a spouse to raise your children, the shared highs and lows, the pains and happiness, knowing that these offspring are from both of you and that if one is not there, the other would do any and everything humanly possible to take care of those children.

6 - You'll have better financial benefits and increased earning power for the household.

When you look at it from the big picture, it is cheaper to cook for more than one, ditto for air-tickets, hotel rooms, and apartments. Houses cost the same no matter how many people live in it, you get the general idea. Look at it this way; you are pooling resources together with your spouse and in some cases, getting an extra income into your household.

Myne Whitman is a pen name. She has lived in Nigeria and the UK and now lives with her husband in Bellevue, Washington. Quiet and romantic Myne volunteers as an ESL tutor for a local charity and also writes full-time. Her book, A Heart to Mend, is on AMAZON and in bookstores. She can be found on Facebook (/Myne.Whitman) and Twitter (@Myne_Whitman)

I’ll have to be honest here and say yes they do. This is the only reason it is even acceptable as a theme in romantic comedies and romance novels. There is research, from the psychological to the biological to the social, to bear out the theory. Women are attracted by the smell of men with a different gene pool than theirs. High-strung people want a partner who will act as a calming influence on their tempers and even the bad boy wants a nice girl to take home to mama. Analogies are given with the north and south poles of a magnet and the reason more people are heterosexual. Yeah, opposites do attract but for how long?

You see, differences creates an initial attraction – one person has traits that the other doesn't or vice versa and for some people, this is exciting; in other words, attractive. So in the right circumstances, these two people will get together. They believe they are in love. During the honeymoon phase of the relationship, they may be able to work around their differences – read, they don’t sweat the small stuff - but what about the long term? Let’s look at some examples; one’s a vegetarian, the other loves beef, one’s introverted and the other an extrovert, one loves football and the other hates all things sports; or an extreme one where one is a frugal control freak and the other an impulsive spend thrift. Just imagine two such people in a marriage with maybe one or two children. I can’t see it, lol.

I know by now, some of you are thinking in your head about those your friends or relatives who have been dating or married for donkey years and who are polar opposites. Hold your horses please. Let us consider this very well. Remember ‘birds of the same feather flock together’, or ‘show me your friends and I’ll tell you who you are’? These sayings are referring usually to a person’s beliefs, the substance that makes the personality. And this is the key to any relationship; our values. It doesn’t matter what we see on the outside, differences in looks, activities, likes and dislikes, most people who appear to be opposites actually share a similar way of looking at life. Though they may show this perspective in differing ways, the things they hold dear and what they value are the same.

Like I said earlier, relationships with opposites usually start off quickly and well. This is because they are largely based on sexual attraction or simply lust. However, these feelings are short-lived and in the long run, may not be enough to make a relationship work. The mismatch between opposites is more obvious in the long term because personality and attitude traits often come out later, as a relationship progresses out of the initial stages. The effort necessary to resolve differences means that emotional cracks normal in most relationships deepen more easily. The people who become too involved too quickly before they realize these differences will usually begin to feel unfulfilled and look for a way out.

 The fact is that most people will only remain happy and at peace together when their basic life values agree. If the couple don’t want or need the same things, and have different values and beliefs, that relationship may be bound for failure. Some will argue that being opposites can work when differences are given less importance and both people are open-minded, and have the ability to compromise and communicate. But how many of us have this ability and how many will go the long haul? It is very few of us are that are saints or martyrs, so it is not surprising that most times, real differences create conflict and eventually lead to the bitter breakup of opposites in a romantic relationship.

So this is my final answer to our question. Opposites may attract but they rarely stay together in long term relationships. Yes, opposites may attract during times of high sexual tension, like in dating, courtship and the early months of a marriage. However, opposites will certainly clash when it comes to differing personality traits, attitudes and values, especially in the long term.

Myne Whitman is a pen name. She has lived in Nigeria and the UK and now lives with her husband in Bellevue, Washington. Quiet and romantic Myne volunteers as an ESL tutor for a local charity and also writes full-time. Her book, A Heart to Mend, is on AMAZON and in bookstores. She can be found on Facebook (/Myne.Whitman) and Twitter (@Myne_Whitman).

by GG Renee

Transition is the movement, passage or change from one position or state to another. The concept of transitioning reverberates throughout my writing in reference to my hair and to my life.

Yesterday, I taught Franz Kafka’s short story, “A Hunger Artist” to my Beginning Creative Writing class. It was deep, to say the least. So deep that it sent me into some kind of weird tailspin of contemplating my place in the world as a poet, writer and human being and I think that’s why I’m sick today.

You wouldn’t think some strange story written by a White guy ninety-some years ago would rock my world. (You can read the short story here.) In the story, there’s a guy who publicly starves himself for public amusement; he’s the “hunger artist.”

But what the story is really about is how artists twist and turn ourselves to please a fickle public. They love our work, they hate our work, and our artists’ emotions rest on that love or hate. And these days, the reception of our work extends to Twitter accounts or Facebook pages. How many “followers” do we have? How many “friends”?

Like you can have seven hundred ninety friends.

We artists tell ourselves, we are above catering to the public. We would write in small, airless rooms if we had to, locked away from the world, even if there were no public at all. Or we would paint. Or we would take photographs. (Fill in whatever art form you wish.) We don’t need public affirmation, we say, and we definitely don’t need money.

Unh-huh. Yeah, okay.

Here’s the deal for artists, including us oft-mentioned low-paid poets: we want to get paid for our art. More than that: we want to get paid in full. And how many of us writers have worked a cocktail party to network or sashayed up to famous writers after a reading, slobbering all over them in hopes we can get blurbs on the back of our books, or letters of recommendations for jobs or the Guggenheim—all of which will lead to the respect of our peers but most of all, more money?

Guilty. Here I am, raising my hand. And I’m waving it, too, from left to right like I’m at a Sugar Hill Gang concert.

There are moments where I’ve caught myself after I’ve gone too far with the slobbery/shameless flattery. In the words of Aretha, let’s call this song exactly what it is: booty-kissing. That’s one of the reasons I started my blog: to keep myself honest. I figure, the more people who “watch” me publicly, the more accountability I will have, and the less I will booty-kiss.
Of course, one of the other reasons I started the blog is to increase my visibility as a writer. I had to get my hustle on.

As a poet who is a fiction writer but not known as such, I wanted to increase my potential reader base from a handful of poets. And I wanted to connect with folks who didn’t write books. Regular people, because those are the folks I started writing for. And equally important, I wanted to connect with Black folks of all backgrounds, especially Sisters. So I started this blog.

So what does all this have to do with Tyler Perry?

Perry started off as an artist—and however you feel about the quality of that art, it’s still art, sort of—appealing to working- to middle-class, Christian, churchgoing Black women, first as a playwright and then making movies. A majority of his audience members probably have never attended one of August Wilson’s plays, and they probably don’t read criticism on theater or film making, either. But they love some Tyler Perry. He speaks to them.

Those of us Black folks who aren’t his target audience find his movies bad at best and an Embarrassment To The Race at worst. But at least Perry’s being real. Many times, we Black artists—the vast number of us holding graduate degrees from universities—depict Black people from the working class in our art, but when we do, we aren’t trying to impress those working class folks, no matter what lies we tell ourselves. We aren’t talking to our Big Mamas or those Brothers standing on the corners, smoking blunts in those neighborhoods we left as soon as we could, because they weren’t safe places for us to live.

We are talking to other educated, Siddity Negroes. Or White folks who sit on awards committees giving grant money for whatever art form we work in. And those White folks depend on us Siddity Negroes to translate Blackness for them.

Sidebar: Have you ever read a book where a Negro was writing about some “authentic” aspect of Black culture and just got it dead wrong? But you knew you couldn’t get mad at the editor because the reason the editor didn’t catch it is because that editor wasn’t Black?
Yes, I said it. Look, the Republicans just took over the House. It’s time for all of us to tell the truth, because things are going to get bad soon in this country. Don’t you want to clear your conscience before The Last Days are upon us?

Anyway, to my knowledge, Perry never went to film school, so he never got reprogrammed about his “true target audience,” which is supposed to be White critics and Siddity Educated Negroes. He started off as someone making films for regular, working-class Black women/people, in the same way that Zora Neale Hurston pissed off the Harlem Renaissance establishment—including W.E.B DuBois–by writing about working class, verb-splitting Black folks when she was supposed to be writing about Black folks who spoke French like Jessie Fauset and them.

“No, no, unh-unh!” I hear you shouting, recoiling in horror and disgust from me. “Zora Neale Hurston wrote art.”

Sure she did. And you know who decided that she wrote art? College professors who wrote literary criticism. Siddity Educated Negroes and White folks who teach English classes—twenty years after Sister Zora died in poverty and was buried in an unmarked grave. Alice Walker was the main one who resurrected interest in her work, and yes, she is a former college professor. And siddity. First she went to Spelman and then Sarah Lawrence. Enough said.

But Perry’s target audience has not changed; he has. And he wants to bring his audience along with him, keep them right by his side, when he moves to a new artistic place, because he has decided that, in addition to making money, he now wants the acknowledgment and adoration of White critics and Siddity Educated Negroes.

First, he signed on as an executive producer of Precious, which won the Best Supporting Actress Oscar for Mo’Nique. But it should be stressed that Precious was based on a piece of cherished Black feminist art, the novel Push by Sapphire. This is important because while artsy film making remains a realm dominated by White folks, Black female writing has (sometimes) made the crossover into mainstream critical appreciation.

Think of books by Zora Neale Hurston, Alice Walker and every single book Toni Morrison ever wrote. And so, if Tyler wants to get in on the (critical) good foot, what better way than to choose The Black Feminist Holy Grail, For Colored Girls Who Have Considered Suicide When The Rainbow Is Enuf by Ntozake Shange?

I am not a fan of Tyler Perry. Those Madea movies just make me want to stab myself through the throat. But how many times have we criticized a Spike Lee joint? I know I have. Spike can’t act. Yet, he puts himself in all his movies and we are forced to hear his flat, tonally challenged voice for two hours. And that’s another thing: he doesn’t know when to stop the movie. Spike is color struck in his female casting, too—just like Tyler Perry—and his female characters have no depth.

And if I have to see one more Spike Lee movie with the rolling people coming forward—it’s going to get really, really bad for my mental health.

Surely, Spike’s a genius; for me, Samuel L. Jackson’s Gator in Jungle Fever remains one of the top five movie performances I’ve ever seen. Yet here’s the deal: Spike Lee went to film school. He’s been trained and extensively critiqued, first at Morehouse College (where he took his communications courses at Clark Atlanta University) and later, at New York University.

Tyler Perry has not had training as a film maker; he’s self-trained, and so, I don’t know whether he’s a genius who just needs a nail file taken to his stubborn rough edges or simply a hack who is going to mess up one of my best girlhood memories by making a horrible adaptation of Ntozake Shange’s masterpiece, one of best books (in my opinion) of all time. I’ll find out tomorrow when I see For Colored Girls and decide whether it’s a “movie” or a “film.”

What I do know is that Perry wants to be taken seriously as a Black artist. At the same time, he wants to make loads of dollars. And he wants to “keep it real” for his core audience. That’s a lot of “stuff to walk off with.” (Y’all true Shange fans will recognize that allusion.)

But Perry’s is a familiar crossroads for us Black artists, so knock the quality of Tyler Perry’s movies or films or whatever want to call them, and there is much to be knocked—but if you’re a Black artist and an honest one, can you really knock his hustle? Tell the truth now. Remember, we’re in The Last Days.

-Honoree Jeffers

Via The New York Times:

More than 600 women and girls were recently raped along the Congo-Angola border during a mass expulsion of illegal immigrants, according to the United Nations.

Many of the victims said they were locked in dungeon-like conditions for several weeks while they were raped repeatedly by security forces. At least one woman died from her internal injuries, United Nations officials said.

Maurizio Giuliano, a United Nations spokesman in the Democratic Republic of Congo, said Friday that it was unclear on which side of the Congo-Angola border the women had been attacked, and that the United Nations was calling on both countries to investigate promptly.

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As I walked in the door late from work earlier this week, I was greeted by a pitiful little sight. My 3-year-old daughter was sitting in the middle of her room on her little Dora the Explorer stool twiddling her fingers with a sad look on her face. Not touching anything. No TV. No toys. Nothing.

My husband quickly informed me that she had “went off” on her teacher, screaming “No. Don’t touch me. Leave me alone” repeatedly at her during class. This was clearly unacceptable and I agreed with his method of punishment. However, when I asked how long she’d been sitting there, he said over an hour.

Toni Morrison has received virtually every recognition possible for her breathtaking works which include: Song of Solomon, The Bluest Eye and Beloved, and she can now add the French government's highest decoration to her mantle.


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Photo Credit: The Guardian

Dear Coach Mari:

I am a thirty year-old, attractive, well-read, financially secure single woman who can’t seem to find a mate.  Most of my sorority sisters are married, with children, and/or live-in lovers, or in promising relationships. I am so very, very tired of being the odd-woman out.   All I have is Boris, my cat of three years. In the past, I have had three  significant relationships that fell apart because I wasn’t willing to settle for what was being offered:  one guy overly attached to his ex-wife’s comings and goings, another guy more interested in my bank account than me, and my last relationship, a married guy that I regret ever spending time with.

I have met men at social functions, church, clubs, parties and cocktail events.  However, while I’m able to interest men, I don’t seem to be able to either sustain a relationship with a guy I like (I don’t know if I’m being utterly boring), or stop being so picky after I meet “kinda ok” guys.  I want to meet my Prince and fall madly in love and live happily ever after.  All I know is I’m losing confidence in my ability to ever meet that Prince and get married.  By this stage in my life, I figured I would be living happily in the suburbs in a home with a white picket fence, two children and driving the family van. At this point, I’m thinking of settling for the next guy who comes along, just to make my dream come true. But I swear I don’t want to do that.

Signed:  Tired of Waiting
While this is nothing to cheer about, you’re in great company with millions of your female counterparts who, for one reason or another, haven’t been able to find that all elusive soul mate.  But, believe it or not, finding him isn’t as difficult as it first seems.  It’s gonna take work, but you’re already ahead of the game simply because you’re exploring various venues in an effort to meet men, instead of waiting for one to pop out of the sky and rescue you.  You’re also unconsciously using relationship coaching techniques that any good coach will encourage you to adopt:  scouting, sorting, screening and testing to be exact.

My first observation?  You showed great judgment in disconnecting from the three losers you had prior significant relationships with.  None of them were husband material.

Secondly, define what you’re looking for in a mate:  your requirements, needs and wants and, during the screening stage, concentrate on those men who best suit your requirements.  You could be using the right ammunition, but hunting the wrong guy.

Two things people notice when first meeting us are our appearance and attitude. You’re continuously meeting men so, obviously, your appearance, at first glance, is fine.  However, a defeatist, lonely, tired, needy, pressed, desperate attitude will drive any man away.  Most men are attracted to women who are confident, sure of themselves, interesting to talk to, slightly challenging, sexy, fun, have a great sense of humor and who have something in common with them.  You signed your letter, “Tired.”  And I believe you are, but a tired attitude is a defeatist attitude and not one you want to continue to cultivate.   Drop it like it’s radioactive hot.  Also, take an interest in whatever hobby, or activities the guy likes and make a concerted effort to find out about his interests.

 Lastly, when you settle for less, that’s exactly what you get: less enjoyment, less fun, less happiness, fewer memorable moments, and more dissatisfaction than you can even begin to imagine.   Settling eventually catches up with you and creates resentment in the long run.

Dating is an exhaustive subject, one that could readily fill a whole book.  I’ve given you a few things to contemplate. You might wish to find a relationship coach in your area who can assist you in better navigating the voyage to your Prince and rid you of that “tired” mind-set. 

            All best wishes on your journey.

                                             Coach Mari

Mari Lyles is one of the metropolitan D.C.’s area's leading Certified Life/ Relationship coaches. A graduate of two prestigious schools, Institute for Professional Excellence in Coaching (IPEC) and the international Relationship Coaching Institute (RCI), Mari turned fifteen years of counseling/mentoring talents into a satisfying career coaching women on life and dating and mating issues, based upon RCI's patented relationship program, "Conscious Dating," wherein women take power over their romantic lives.

Got a question for Mari to answer? Send them to features@forharriet.com

Last night, BET aired the 4th Annual Black Girls Rock award show, and the response has been overwhelmingly positive. It seems as the long time bastion of ignorance and degradation has finally decided to at least pretend like they care about Black women.

Black Girls Rock was a celebration. Joyous and energetic from start to finish, it was a fitting tribute to the soaring spirits of Black women.

Raven-Symone, Missy Elliott, Teresa Clarke, Iyanla VanZant, Major General Marcelite J. Harris, KeKe Palmer, and Ruby Dee were the honorees, and each received a sparkling tributes.

In addition to the aforementioned primary award recipients, Black Girls Rock spotlighted five young women who are making a difference in their communities.

Monica and VV Brown gave standout musical performances, but the show’s most transcendent moment was the singing of Nina Simone’s “Four Women” by Kelly Price, Marsha Ambrosius, Jill Scott and Ledisi. The interpretation of a classic was nothing short of superb. If you missed it for any reason, watch the performance as soon as possible. Yes, it’s that serious.

What sets Black Girls Rock apart from other awards shows was the glow of positivity that filled the theater. This is a can’t miss television event so spectacular that it will have you rethinking your relationship with BET.

Of course the network’s regularly scheduled programming means that "it's complicated" until further notice.

Are you hopeful for BET’s future after the airing of programs like My Mic Sounds Nice and Black Girls Rock?

Black Girls Rock the blogosphere. Be sure to pay these ladies a visit!

The Audacity of Color
Boycott Baby Phat
Carolyn A. Edgar
Fabulize Magazine
The Fembassy
freeyourheart
The Freedom Pages
From the Mind of Jerisha
KayRenee - Reality Served Raw
Llanor Alleyne
Makes No Sense
Makeup by Kim Porter
Natureis2bloom
Naturally Me!
Notorious S.H.E.
N.T.Mitchell
The Ramblings of the All Might Isis
Silk, Honey and Moonbeams
Southern Girl in the City
That’s So Deep
The Thirty Mile Woman
UA Journey

The Culture is For Harriet's new lifestyle guide. Sign up for the newsletter to get it sent directly to your inbox weekly.



"Love Come Save The Day" (Ahmed Sirour Remix)
Yahzarah
An effervescent upbeat joint that will brighten your day.

"Don't Let Me Be Misunderstood"
Algebra Blessett
A pitch-perfect cover of the Nina Simone classic.







Black Girls Rock - BET
Sunday November 7, 2010 8/7c
The 4th annual Black Girls Rock Awards celebrates the achievements of fearless Black women like Ruby Dee, Iyanla Vanzant and Missy Elliott. 




For (Stuffed) Colored Girls
Because you deserve a laugh.

For (Stuffed) Colored Girls from Wayne Brady

Zora and Me
Victoria Bond and T.R. Simon
Inspired by childhood of noted author and anthropologist Zora Neale Hurston, the young adult novel has already received rave reviews. The book is the first project ever to be endorsed by the Zora Neale Hurston trust that was not authored by Hurston herself.


Click here to purchase Zora and Me


The Secret Lives of Baba Segi's Wives
Lola Shoneyin
Shoneyin's debut novel provides an intimate look into the lives of three Nigerian women married to a single man: Baba Segi. The author masterfully unravels the distinct story of each woman, only to subtly expose the bonds that connect them.


Click here to purchase The Secret Lives of Baba Segi's Wives






Poison Faux Lizard Effect Platform Shoes - TopShop


Click here to purchase from TopShop






Is there something we should feature? Send it to us at theculture@forharriet.com

Last night I headed into the warm-cold northeastern night to play. The Friday before Halloween in the grown-up world is when all kinds of delicious and debaucherous (yup, I made up a word right there, #witness) things go down. It is also the night in girl world where…

…yes ma’am.

No reason why Pretty Magnolia shouldn’t come out to play right? (her full name, after all, is Pretty Magnolia the Sex-Positive Fairy)

But ahh, New England, you tricky, tricky foreign land.

Pretty Magnolia did make an appearance, a work of fish-netted, laced, gartered, and cinched violet wonderful. She was brown-skinned, round-bottomed, thick thighed, buxom and fabulous. She should have been sprinkling sex-positive fairy glitter on everyone and everywhere. And she did. But in a land of 98% whiteness, she should not have been surprised to find that her brand of clitoratti energy lacked its usual pizzazz. By the end of the night, perfectly pleased with herself but more than a little limp-winged, Pretty Magnolia turned into a purple pumpkin and rolled her way home. Alone.
And I woke up this morning ruminating on what exactly about the evening left me feeling so unfulfilled.

(get your minds out of the gutter) (okay, maybe you’re right) (but no, you’re not)

Because I may be new to the sex-positive game but if I’m not mistaken, it isn’t just about where you find your orgasm. It’s about intimacy. It’s about the ways that body, heart, mind and soul make the most effective, healthy and wholesome connection. And there’s another element, beyond intimacy, that we don’t emphasize enough but it’s particularly relevant to women of color–women whose hair & bodies are so often manipulated by the media for its own purposes even by so-called allies, who historically have been dissected, used and abused by everyone from scientists to slaveowners, turned into experiments, objects, Others.

It’s the part where we affirm that we are women, women of color, black women that we/I am a

…romantic woman love needer man seeker dick eater sweat getter fuck needing love seeking woman…

with every right to be seen that way, to have that complexity acknowledged if only in a glance, a touch, a whisper in the ear, a swaying dance, a hand on a hip or, if by mutual consent, something more physical.

I wasn’t shopping for an orgasm last night (really, I wasn’t). What I was shopping for was sexiness. What I missed, truly, madly, deeply, was being in a space with others whose look did more than fetish the curve of a black breast.

I don’t want to be grabbed at a party in Delaware or Connecticut anymore than I want to be groped in D.C. or Chicago. If the gaze has a spectrum then the fear and nervous shock/surprise found on the faces of *some* white men I encounter is no more desirable than the hard, dehumanizing & possessive lust found on *some* black men’s faces in other venues. Neither is much fun to have to navigate and neither make me feel safe much less sexy. (Pretty Magnolia slaps faces on the regular for such behavior: #shewildlikethat )

But to be teased, tickled and tantalized all at once with just the twitch of an eyebrow? To see a man (whatever race or ethnicity) bite his lip in my general direction? To be given, as my friend calls them, “fuck me eyes” and feel the air vibrate between us as I pass by? In short, to be seen as a body that is desirable? #therearenowordsforthatkindofyum

Which, as it turns out, is part of why I miss and love black, brown (and the occasional & smarter-than-his-brothers white) men. No one appreciates a brown booty they way they do. And sometimes all you want at a party, on a date, or even in the grocery store is someone to (at least try!) to rub your booty.

 Kismet Nuñez is a blogger, writer, student, teacher, researcher, historian, fangirl, lover, sister, daughter and everything in between.  You can find her working cures at Nuñez Daughter, making gris-gris in the WOC Survival Kit or twiddling her thumbs on Twitter.  Her doppelgängers also roam the web, well-managed and well-fed thanks to the iwannalive production team.

21 year-old Kye Allums has made waves as he challenges traditional constructions of gender. The George Washington University Junior has made history as the first openly transgender basketball player.

Allums was born female, but prefers to be addressed as a man. He has forgone hormone treatments in order to continue playing basketball at GW.

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I have always been a person that was sort of flighty. I never wanted to conform to anything or any group of people when I was younger. I always fought hard for my independence from my family and from friends as well. For carrying out this attitude and way of thinking, I have had the sign of “CRAZY” placed around my neck by a number of people, be they family or friends. I never thought of myself as crazy, until a few days after I had my daughter.

Exit polls show Black voter turnout for the midterm elections at 10% meaning 1 of every 10 votes was cast by an African American. That's down from 13% for 2008's Presidential election.

On Tuesday evening, rumors of 4.7% African-American voter turnout quickly spread via Twitter. That number has been uncorroborated.


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Coach Mari:

My husband and I have been married for eight years. “Ed” is thirteen years older than me. We married when I was nineteen and a year out of high school. I know in my heart that I married him to escape my abusive home life. We have two beautiful children together, a son and daughter who adore their father. Ed is a wonderful father and provider and a decent stand-up guy. He’s a hard worker and has provided a wonderful home and stable life for us. I don’t work, but since our marriage, I’ve gone on to graduate from college with a degree in business administration. Ed always encouraged me not to work, but rather to be a stay at home mom. We attend church regularly and Ed is a Deacon in our church. Sometimes he’s domineering and preachy and I’m really getting tired of that, as well.


With all that I have, I should be incredibly happy but the truth is I’m bored out of my mind. The only things that interest Ed are sex, work, church, and more sex. Unfortunately, Ed is one lousy lover. No amount of suggestions does any good. He has one move, and that move stopped working a long time ago. Although I know Ed loves me, I’m not certain he even cares if I am satisfied. I wouldn’t mind so much if we had an active social life or took vacations or did something! I’m only 27 years old and I want more than this. I’m tired of only listening to my children’s chatter and cleaning house all day long. I want to go out; I want to party some, with or without Ed. I want to go to a nightclub every now and then or the beach. I feel like I’m going crazy here and I am seriously thinking of a) getting a lover on the side or b) leaving him.I can’t imagine spending the rest of my life like this.

Signed,


Desperate


Dear Desperate:

Wow! I hear you loud and clear. Your letter screams desperation and resentment, so let’s break it down.


Your marriage was troubled from day one. You never loved “Ed” in the first place. As you admit, you used him to escape your parents’ home. You were fairly young and at that point, Ed was a lot older than you and obviously, not very discerning. Had he been, he would have realized your desire to get married wasn’t out of overwhelming love for him. However, now you two have two children in the mix, in what you describe as a stable environment. What you’d probably love for me to say is run for the hills, girl. Grab your Jimmy Chu’s and party down because “Ed” is as exciting as mud, and you deserve a life. Well, don’t we all? But you’re not the only player here. And while this isn’t all about you, let’s start with you.


Your youth was spent being a wife and mother and it’s a role you were ill- prepared for. Now you’re missing all the fun and excitement you imagine you would have had, had you stayed single for a while longer.

Move #1. Write down everything admirable about Ed. He’s a hard worker, he’s a great father, he’s provided you with a nice lifestyle, etc. Then write down everything about him that bothers you. Weigh the two. Decide whether life would be better for you and your children with or without your husband. I could add that after reading your letter, there are thousands upon thousands of women who would trade places with you in a heartbeat, but they don’t know what’s really going on inside your house. From what you’ve said, your main complaint is that he’s not great in bed and doesn’t have many hobbies. Get a hold of the situation, because everybody can be taught something. Sexually, do not suggest anything else to “Ed.” Tell “Ed” point blank that during lovemaking you like a, b, c and d (but by all means be willing to compromise). Find out what really excites him as well. If he is not interested in learning new things to make your sex life equally enjoyable, then tell him if he really loves you, some things have to change because you can’t fake it any longer. (Men hate the FAKE word.) Again, if he is totally not interested in your satisfaction that says a lot about him and puts him in a totally different light.

Move #2. Act with integrity. Before thinking of getting a lover or a divorce (last ditch effort), arrange a time with “Ed” when the two of you have absolute quiet, away from the chattering of your children. Tell him exactly what you told me. Let him know how you feel. Communication is one of the keys in marriage, and the two of you don’t have it. Emphasize you’re lonely (which you are), you’re young, you’re bored, you want to do more, contribute more and have a more interesting, exciting marriage. You have a lot to offer. Marriage is a 100%//100% proposition. Let him know if you’re interested in exploring your business degree, joining organizations or taking classes in something that really excites you and maximizing 100% of yourself. After all, A Happy Wife = A Happy Life (as one of the Real Housewives’ husband said).

Move #3. Please, please, please consider counseling or coaching or whichever you feel best suited for. After you’ve laid all your cards on the table and come clean with your husband, please look into getting help from either a coach or therapist to get to the root of your resentment and help you put on your big girl panties and take responsibility for your actions in the matter, and to help Ed explore his sexuality and control issues. Marriage is not about control; it’s about each partner going the distance to support, encourage, sustain, and inspire each other to become as great as they can be.

- Coach Mari

Mari Lyles is one of the metropolitan D.C.’s area's leading Certified Life/ Relationship coaches. A graduate of two prestigious schools, Institute for Professional Excellence in Coaching (IPEC) and the international Relationship Coaching Institute (RCI), Mari turned fifteen years of counseling/mentoring talents into a satisfying career coaching women on life and dating and mating issues, based upon RCI's patented relationship program, "Conscious Dating," wherein women take power over their romantic lives.

Got a question for Mari to answer? Send them to features@forharriet.com

This is the conclusion to "When The Blues Dont Move, Part 1: The Stigma and the Shame."

“I Don’t Want People to Think I’m Crazy”

African American women are always trying to help others and we put ourselves last. With depression, that becomes less of a priority among African Americans because of the stigma associated with it, and the discomfort. “We need to openly disclose the feelings and emotions involved in the process, and create and maintain an ongoing healing process to get close to optimal health,” Dr. Holden says.

Unique Factors for African Americans

“As African Americans, we don’t acknowledge our pain and we don’t speak about it,” says Williams. “Our attitude is, ‘Don’t tell your business to other people,’ because it’s a sign of weakness. From the days of slavery on, you’re taught to have the attitude that you do what you have to do, and you don’t complain.”

At one of their events, Williams says Mo’Nique talked about her depression: “She told us she thought therapy was something just for White people. She was taught to take a Tylenol and cocktail and go to sleep.”

Dr. Holden: Influence and chronic stress have a great impact on mental health. African American women are disproportionately affected by disorders and health issues. On top of that, coping and dealing with the challenges of everyday life can be overwhelming. Take for instance, lupus – stress has major impact on this disease as it does obesity, diabetes, heart disease. We’re putting our lives at risk from a physical standpoint.

Depression, anxiety, exposure to racism, discrimination, violence, poverty can exacerbate and precipitate the depression, mood and anxiety disorders. Distrust of the medical system and mental health system. If they want help, a sense of system is not a comfortable environment for them. There’s a lot of complication and difficulty navigating systems of care (healthcare, insurance, etc.).

Stressors that worsen depression: identity issues, feeling as though they have a positive self perception. When you have the influence of the media, ideal body image, what is supposed to be normal for African American girls may not be achievable and it affects them. Self-perception issues. Unresolved trauma (unacknowledged physical/mental/sexual abuse) and negativity is internalized and creates extreme stress. There’s more of this for African Americans. Victims of crimes, imprisoned, more African Americans imprisoned than other ethnic groups. Job employment issues- unemployment, difficulty at work, economic and financial standing.

Lack of African American Data – Deterrents

We don’t have much data on African Americans and mental illness for various reasons. Williams agrees that as a people, we are either “undiagnosed or underdiagnosed.” African Americans do not participate in clinical trials as much as other ethnicities and the medicines may work differently in various ethnic groups.

According to The National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI), a nonprofit advocacy organization, some studies suggest that African Americans metabolize medications slower than Whites, but often receive higher doses of psychiatric medications, which may result in increased side effects and decreased medication compliance.

NAMI reports that culture biases against mental health professionals prevent many African Americans from accessing care due to prior experiences with historical misdiagnoses, inadequate treatment, and a lack of cultural understanding; only 2% of psychiatrists, 2% of psychologists and 4% of social workers in the U.S. are African American.

One segment of African Americans is impoverished, but we also need to look at other cohorts- those who are educated and professional African American women who also have issues- how workplace affects personal and relationships. Data and statistics about depression among African Americans do not acknowledge accomplished women who still have to deal with difficult situations. Often they will put off getting care because they have so much work to do, a business to run, and clients to please.

Studies only sample a small percentage of African American women from a limited area like impoverished, or already in treatment facilities versus regular everyday women dealing with stresses. Some of the diagnostic tools used to assess depression may not accurately reflect the experiences we have as African American women, things may be presented that are/not in the DSM44 category of depression, not culturally relevant or responsive—which in turn lowers the numbers of those who positively endorse depression. Fewer African American go to behavioral/mental health specialists—if we’re not going to be treated, we may not be counted. We may get our med or referrals from a PCP instead. Issues that we see as physical problems may come from depression, but they are brushed off with, – ‘You just need to relax more.’

“The Way We Do Mental Healthcare Needs to Change”

Legislation is trying to modify governance of use of mental health and substance abuse services. If your insurance won’t pay for it…you probably won’t seek the services. Similarly, the clinical environment may not respect the culture of the people they’re trying to serve- lack of African American professionals available in their area. Encourage more African Americans to mental health fields and build our clinical environment and workforce.

Dr. Holden: “We need better mental health policies—more integrated policies that include mental and behavioral health. Decrease system, not criminalizing people that have mental illness, strengthen science phase, research and funding, program development and policy issues. Improve fragile safety net of local and state programs- substance abuse and alcohol, not fragmented, but more integrated.

* Lack of insurance coverage, increase utilization of services by African Americans
* High cost of pharmaceuticals- deterrent
* Treatment plan
* Address mental health of homeless population, impoverished communities, newly released from jail and re-integrating in society—can’t find job, no more support–mental health is at bottom of list of priorities
* Increase school-based mental health services for youth—more emphasis on prevention than management. Psychologist from health county school system goes from school to school if they don’t have an on-site counselor.
* Continue to build culturally tailored screening tools so they are based on the needs of African American women– gender and culture.

If you’re in a rural area, it’s also difficult trying to get access to mental health services- who wants to drive an hour or more for a doctor visit? Also, if your insurance company has limited providers in its network, you might not seek help if you’re stuck with a provider you don’t feel comfortable with.

Practical Coping Methods

To get over depression, you have a right way and a wrong way. According to Williams, we self-medicate with drugs, alcohol, gambling, and shopping when we’re broke just to ease the pain. Dr. Holden agrees: “Coping mechanisms such as substance abuse, food (which is sometimes overlooked), and alcohol are addictions—maladaptive ways to cope. Over-engaging in helping others takes the attention away from them and takes the focus off by taking care of kids, mom, and everyone else. We need to look in the mirror and empower ourselves.” Williams agrees and says that when she was going through depression, “I was last on my to-do list.”

“I support spiritual counseling for African Americans an adjunct or complement to professional counseling. In general the church may not be as welcoming to acknowledge that these [mental health] issues exist. We are now seeing a lot of health ministries in the church, but there is still a sense of “pray it away.” Prayer can be a part of healing and coping, but not the only way. Talking to a therapist or psychiatrist, and even perhaps prescribing medication is an ideal model. I’m not big on medication but some people can benefit from it. Medication should not be a band-aid effect for surface symptoms and not get to the root of the problem. Use of medication plus counseling, support groups, is great. Use a psychologist and a psychiatrist. But a stigma about medication and pills still exists in African American community, and people are leery of it.”

Psychotherapy helps get through deeper issues of stress and depression. Some people cannot pinpoint the root of their hurts, and they need help identifying negative life events or personal feelings. In addition, social support, such as talking with friends and family (without shame), and meditation, prayer and spiritual fellowship, relaxation techniques, exercise has been shown to decrease serotonin levels in the brain which increases endorphins—get moving—yoga and stress management. Your approach to care—move toward better health.
My Epiphany

My daughter is in the second grade now, and it’s been hard for me raising her without her father. It has taken me all this time to understand that although I cannot make up for his absence, she needs me to be fully present in mothering her, and giving her the love and attention she craves. It’s normal for her to come up to me and say, “You’re the best mommy in the whole world!,” and I have to resist the urge to tell her that she’s wrong. I’ve always loved her and cared about her, but there was always something blocking a full connection with her—I just didn’t know what it was. I had to get myself together and take a good look at how my behavior and my own depression about circumstances in my life affected my relationship and interactions with her. I no longer feel bad for not being “Ms. Super Hands-On Mom,” but I also no longer neglect her emotional needs.

Now that I reach out to her and make myself emotionally available, I am doing my part to keep her love tank full—regardless of how I am feeling from day to day. I communicate with her in her top two love languages: affection and words of affirmation. She lights up when I give her a spontaneous hug or kiss, praise her, or call her by one of my affectionate nicknames just for her. It has always been hard to discipline her because she is so strong-willed (like me), but since I’ve started responding to her with her love languages and become a happier person in my own right, she acts out much less than she used to.

For years I had only given her part of me and essentially tolerated her presence. Now I welcome her presence, miss her when she’s not around, and enjoy her company when she is. I cannot imagine how my life would be right now without her.

Taking a Little Time

It is challenging to get K to give me some quiet time to myself to concentrate on my projects when she is at home. Like most youngsters, she often wants it her way or no way, so discipline has been an issue as well. Sometimes I yell at her when I get frustrated and she has ignored my calm pleas for quiet or waiting until I’m done with a task. I used to respond to her with yelling and impatient remarks, which of course did not improve her behavior. But I did finally get on solid ground with her by spending more time with her. Here are some revelations I had to internalize:

It’s all about her. In her eyes, whatever she has to say to me or show me feels like it is of utmost importance. I can clearly tell that the way she likes to give and receive love is the same way she shows it—with hugs, cuddling, kisses, and “I love you” and “You’re the best mommy in the whole world” (which by the way, feels great to hear her say, especially when I don’t feel like I am).

Make time just for her. My daughter enjoys free play (she really enjoys the UNO card game and Bingo, and wants someone to play with her every day!) and one-on-one time, so I have to segment times when I can give her attention. This time is set aside just for her, and other things I need to get done, such as cleaning, cooking dinner, or completing a project, have to wait during this time period. It could be 2 hours a day, or two split 30-minute segments. But she needs to know that I’m focused on her during that time.

Be a little more flexible. When I get into a “mode” I like to concentrate without interruptions, and I can be impatient sometimes when I encounter obstacles to finishing a task. Although every child needs to acknowledge limits you set as a mom, recognize that she will still interrupt you at times. Occasionally will let her interrupt me without reminding her of the rules, when I know she is just reaching out for me or is having a “needy” day.

The bottom line is, when I show her more attention than I have, I am giving her what she needs and filling her love tank. Her father is not around, so I have to give her whatever I can. It only costs a little time, but it’s worth it!